Anyone else finding that place in the middle of nowhere?

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

techstepgenr8tion
SomeRandomGuy
SomeRandomGuy

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 21,133
Location: The 27th Path of Peh.

24 Sep 2007, 11:17 pm

Your strong but not in ways that shine on the surface

Your clever but not in the ways too cerebral to really grab the world

Your intelligent but not a philosophical windbag and pontification circles annoy you to tears

Your different in good ways but its past what people seem to grip

Your very creative but you don't really fit this neat subculture archetype, nor are you liberal enough to be scene

You have social skills and charm but not the kind that the people you'd want really react to magnetically

You really feel like the best parts of yourself are lost on people, not to forced mediocrity to but really to detriment.

You have things you struggle with but even if it doesn't make you scary your too strong and independent, hold your head up too high to be adorable, hold it down to well to have anyone want to save you, and the pressure of it all often times feels like its compressing you even more into being more independent, more hardened, and even further from it all.

Stoicism and self-assurance seem like the best medicines for keeping your own emotional health and self-esteem together but they don't really seem to shine as attractive.

You need help just as much as anyone else but you know people don't like it when you hold yourself together too well, then its whining if you say you have a need - no win there so you go on hoping that hiding weakness and showing inner strength will all of a sudden do what it never has.

You don't need to really do things right or wrong, it all kinda adds up to being locked behind the same invisible bars regardless

You'd be fine if things were really on or really off, either you could get a sign that you should have hope or completely abandon it, but instead you have just enough things going for you to where you feel like your bouncing between the bumpers so you can't just get comfortable in being a have-not.

You don't know how, you don't know why, but something magically inherent about you that'll always be too intangible to get answers on will always keep you watching the world pass you by on so many levels. You aren't weak, you aren't a quitter, you are the person who'd do anything within the scope of their own capability to remedy whatever you lack but it seems like whatever seems to matter most is exactly where your genetics hit you.

In the end, the only way you can keep it from driving you crazy is telling yourself your ugly, telling yourself that your a piece, and trying to manufacture a sensible reason that you should deserve it - not out of self hatred but its the only way you can beat down that insatiable "why me" that will start gnawing at you otherwise.



Pretty much you have all the right strengths and non of the right weaknesses, you're kinda just stuck grazing in limbo, realizing that its the genetic assembly of who you are at the core which causes the problem - you can't sell out because your stapled to it, its like trying to jump off the earth. You understand that you will be single for the rest of your life, you won't fully understand why, people around you won't get it either, and you really wish it would just stop digging at you - but, it won't because again; you don't seem to have any traits at all that should lend themselves to anything being so wrong with you that it should be that way, to that extent that feeling like you're failing life just with what you have spins around your head at light speed so many times per day...





Just thought I'd ask, don't particularly need sympathy but I'd love to think someone else can identify.



Veresae
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2006
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,452

24 Sep 2007, 11:30 pm

Dude, I know exactly what you mean.



Pugly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,809
Location: Wisconsin

24 Sep 2007, 11:34 pm

Wow, that's close to exactly how I feel. Just capable and intelligent enough to not need help... yet deep down I really need help to further myself to any semblance of success.

Especially your first couple of points.

It's not necessarily love and dating related... but indirectly, yes it is. For me it's more career related.

I think I'm fairly intelligent and clever... and socially pretty good. I can relate and understand and interact with people. And many people appear to like what I can do... I've also gone to great lengths to understand things that I really want to understand...

Yet, I still can't escape this feeling that the path I'm is one of a bum. Either working terrible jobs... or barely surviving doing nothing.

In the end it's like on one can really see what I'm truly capable of. With people in general... and especially when it comes to relationships. I think I give off vibes that I'm an uncaring bastard... when I really am not like that at all.

I think people see the disparity between what's on the outside... and what I show of my inside... and that's what scares them the most. They don't know how to read me...so they don't even bother.


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


techstepgenr8tion
SomeRandomGuy
SomeRandomGuy

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 21,133
Location: The 27th Path of Peh.

25 Sep 2007, 12:02 am

Pugly wrote:
In the end it's like on one can really see what I'm truly capable of. With people in general... and especially when it comes to relationships. I think I give off vibes that I'm an uncaring bastard... when I really am not like that at all.


Yeah, and as much as people who have a lot of success either in relationships, as going to the head of what they're really good at, etc., so many seemingly tertiary things and aspects about ones self are what really determine that success and whether the world will give you more fuel or keep you running purely on your own until its spent, I'd hate to say leaving nothing but a hollow shell in the end but sometimes I really worry about that.

Pugly wrote:
I think people see the disparity between what's on the outside... and what I show of my inside... and that's what scares them the most. They don't know how to read me...so they don't even bother.


Yeah, and for me I almost feel like that disparity shrinks as my best self starts to slowly starve. Then again I don't know, the up times are replenishing but then again never really fulfilling - just enough to keep that nasty fading thing from taking too much of me away. I just know that if I really ever do lose myself to it - that's it, that's pretty much when I get so exhausted that I can kiss all hope goodbye. This world steals from the poor, gives to the rich, and trying to keep all superficial images of being rich enough to be 'worthy' can tire you to collapse, but at the same time its something you can't not do - just because the alternative is really accepting and assuring defeat; great fuel for later regrets.



Spaceplayer
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 334

25 Sep 2007, 1:06 am

"Your very creative but you don't really fit this neat subculture archetype, nor are you liberal enough to be scene."

YES, exactly. I don't fit into the cubicle shirt and tie world, but I don't fit into the counter culture either.

I liked all you said, I think you summed it with one word: limbo. I found myself staring into the sky tonite, no stars, no clouds, no nothing....just twilight sky. That's limbo.



crazedchef
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 320
Location: Texas

25 Sep 2007, 2:20 am

Great Post!!

I feel the same way most times. I was a bum in go nowhere jobs, even though I KNEW I was capable of so much more, but my personality ALWAYS held me back.

In Baghdad now and building my fortune because I know that I will not be a sucess whenever I come home.

I want to live free of the boundaries that working class society places upon us.

With money comes FREEDOM.

So here I stay, risking my life day in and day out, not being able to relate or care about anyone else, feel so isolated and alone.

12 hours a day 7 days a week, been doing it for almost 1000 days now. I have grown, but reading your post reminds me of what I truely am, an ASPIE through and through.

One day I will come home, then see what happens from there.

crazedchef.



Belfast
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2005
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,090
Location: Windham County, VT

25 Sep 2007, 3:04 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Your strong but not in ways that shine on the surface
Your clever but not in the ways too cerebral to really grab the world
Your intelligent but not a philosophical windbag and pontification circles annoy you to tears
Your different in good ways but its past what people seem to grip
Your very creative but you don't really fit this neat subculture archetype,

Think so. Been an outsider without ever manging to fit in with any groups of "outsiders", either. Am liberal but don't fit in smoothly with strangers, no matter the "shared values". Might be guilty of pontification, isn't that sorta' subjective (depending on who is discussing what & how) ?
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
You don't need to really do things right or wrong, it all kinda adds up to being locked behind the same invisible bars regardless
You'd be fine if things were really on or really off, either you could get a sign that you should have hope or completely abandon it, but instead you have just enough things going for you to where you feel like your bouncing between the bumpers so you can't just get comfortable in being a have-not.

Those also. It's maddening, frustrating, infuriating, to be stuck neither here nor there. Have enough 'going for me' to see how much I'm missing out on. Am smart enough to notice how many things I'm not smart about. It sucks knowing how great my potential is (as I was always told) because my obstacles (how my brain is-the dx/label didn't change me) prevent application/expression of my talents in the world. Have intelligence yet have other characteristic patterns that are not under my control which result in wasted potential (realize you've different viewpoint on locus of control than I).
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
In the end, the only way you can keep it from driving you crazy is telling yourself your ugly, telling yourself that your a piece, and trying to manufacture a sensible reason that you should deserve it - not out of self hatred but its the only way you can beat down that insatiable "why me" that will start gnawing at you otherwise.

Have felt this way in past about being unable to find someone compatible. When I had a boyfriend, I'd feel better for awhile (though still insecure, esp. when he wasn't around to distract me) & once those relationships ended I'd be totally convinced I'd never find another one. Fortunate to have found partner but still fear it could end suddenly & then I once again would have no hope of 'lucking out' ever again.
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Pretty much you have all the right strengths and non of the right weaknesses, you're kinda just stuck grazing in limbo, realizing that its the genetic assembly of who you are at the core which causes the problem - you can't sell out because your stapled to it, its like trying to jump off the earth.

Similar to how I feel about my temperament/personality, combination of abilities & inabilities, in several areas of life. Can't escape from or 'un-become' my own self, how I am. Know this is in 'love & dating' section-but these thoughts towards my situation often apply to me in relation to socializing in general & being unable to cope with marketing my skills & so on...


_________________
*"I don't know what it is, but I know what it isn't."*