Brittany2907 wrote:
I have a step sister who is 10 years old and comes to stay at my house sometimes for a sleep-over.
Nights are always a problem. She sleeps in my room on a matress on the floor. At night she wakes from every single noise and insists that I tell her what is making the noise.
Every night when she stays, she will wake up and stand in the corner of the bedroom and jump up and down because she needs to use the toilet, I don't know why she doesn't go by herself but she always wants me to come with her.
It gets really physically draining for me as I don't get a good night sleep, and I don't think she does either.
How do I stop her from doing this?
It might help to cut down on fluids and send her to the toilet before she goes to bed. If you go to bed after her, perhaps wake her and have her go to the toilet if possible. I do not know how successful this will be, finding out if she wakes to go toilet in the night at home would be useful - if she does not, then there is more chance of success - it's unusual for most people to need to wake up to go toilet and if she does so at home, this indicates mild dysfunction of the system activations/shut-downs that normally accompany sleep in humans.
As for the overwhelming fear, what you describe sounds much like my own experience and I'm sorry to say there is little you can do in terms of reasoning with her if that is the case. Knowing there was nothing to fear did not mitigate the very visceral sense of fear and dread that I had at night. Her body is in full on panic in a very real and unbearable sense - there is no element of choice or reason involved. I slept with a hallway light on at home until well into my teens, and even with lights on was terrified to move about strange houses at night. Even in my home, if I woke after my parents were in bed and the hallway light was off, I suffered from nearly paralysing fear and an indescribable and physical sense of dread. It was visceral and not something that my reason (try as I might) could overcome and although it is very rare, I still occasionally experience the 'night dreads' even as an adult.
You already have a light for her which is great. You should also ensure that she feels accepted and not blamed or as though she is disappointing you, otherwise her anxiety and feelings of inadequacy will add to her stress and tendency to wake at night. If you have not done so, you should compare her behaviour at home to that at your house - if she is not as intensely frightened and wakeful during the night at home then her issues when she stays with your are more tractable. If that is the case you might consider 'bed-time routine' - is bed-time at your house structured in a stress free routine - how does this match to her bed-time routine at home?
If the problem is worse at your home than her own, then I suggest a bedtime lead in routine as potentially helpful.
A good bed-time lead-in begins about an hour or so before bed (be careful to not let her know that the routine is about getting her into bed and asleep though - it should appear more as though it's just the way you two do things together at your house when she stays the night). For example, an hour before bed (without any mention of bed) send her to the toilet by suggesting she go toilet before "...next activity...", and then move into the next step which should be something you can do each time she stays (it could be snuggling up together on a couch/bed watching a favoured telly show or DVD that you can enjoy together - the same or from a limited set each time, or perhaps some simple sit down game you could play, or perhaps time spent exploring her interests).
It should be timed to bring you about half an hour to 20 minutes before bed (or sooner depending on the bed time hygiene routine) and then off into bed time hygiene (teeth/etc/2nd toileting), then into bed for 10-15 minutes of being read to. If you like her to bath or shower before bed (highly recommended in most cases as it promotes a feeling of tiredness) then you might want to slot a 5 minute activity in after the first toileting (for instance 'hop off to the toilet and when you get back we will plan what we are doing tomorrow', or 'hop off to the toilet and when you get back we'll choose which video to watch after scrub-up-time [aka bath/shower time]'), then slot the bath/shower in at that time so that she is physically relaxed from the warmth of the water (and more likely to be calmed by the tv snuggle/sit down game), and has enough time before getting into bed to recover from the sensory experience of bathing, and for her hair dry - it might be a good idea depending on your sister's individual needs, to have a shower cap to avoid getting her hair wet and any need to set her off (if she has issues about her head being touched) by touching her head to dry or brush her hair.
Aside from the first toileting, each stage in the routine should have particular 'name', i.e if you choose to watch a Barbie video (as an example) you might call it 'Barbie time', this way you can casually update her on what is coming up next in the routine, for example "we'll get you showered then we can get all snuggled up for Barbie time". Instead of 'bedtime story' name the time after the book you read, or call it 'bed time snuggle n read', or some such (try to personalise the names you use for the 'stages' to add to their appeal and make them more 'yours and hers').
Have a particular 'goodnight' speech sequence that includes your sister's input - for example:
You: Nighty night sweety pie, love you more than the moon in the sky
Her: Nighty night sweety sis, dont forget my goodnight kiss
You: Kiss kiss to the 'lil Miss who'd I'd never miss my chance to kiss
(accompanied with or followed by hugs and kisses). You can introduce this kind of exchange by suggesting 'I know what would be fun, how about if I say 'nighty night' and you say '...'
Ensure that the routine is not explicated to her as being a routine or having anything to do with her night time issues (as the point is to get her relaxed, not to remind her that she has such issues. If she knows she is taking part in a routine intended to 'deal with her night time issues', it will actually add to her mindfulness of her fears causing her to anticipate and probably dread the upcoming terrors, (thus compounding the issue), while making her anxious about your concerns (thus amplifying her own). Also try to not copy whatever routine she has at home exactly as it happens there, (some familiar elements can be bought in, especially if their absence distresses her, but exactly replicating her familiar routine in an unfamiliar place may actually make her more conscious that she is somewhere other than the place where the routine usually occurs). By using a routine that appears to unfold naturally without reference to her night dreads (it's just what you fun sisters do together when she stays over rather than a solution to a problem she is the cause of), and that includes both physically calming her (warm bath/shower), and giving her a sense of predictability, with routine and familiar names for each activity, and informing her as she moves into one task what she will be doing immediately afterwards, you will avoid unnecessary stress and anxiety while giving her a sense of 'control'.
Again this will probably only help if her problems are not as severe at home, and it will be unlikely to lessen her night fears (especially if she has them at home), but rather is intended to get her sleepy and relaxed enough so she is less wakeful and hopefully can sleep soundly enough to not 'start/wake' at every noise or need to toilet during the night.
Best of luck (sorry for the overly long post, succinct is not my forte').
29 Sep 2007, 2:10 am
