Beyond the Safe Topics While Avoiding the Creepy

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Talking to myriad women in itself will not ensure a man of romantic success. During the conversation, rapport and perhaps some desire must be built. For a person with Asperger's syndrome, this human connection rather than the mere recounting of facts and explanation of theory proves challenging. As people with Asperger's syndrome build their social skills, they become acquainted with safe topics they can use to begin talking to strangers or if they have trouble figuring out something to talk about. Some safe topics are context dependent (discussing a class or work project or inquiring about a person's college major), but they key is they are common experiences: e.g., the weather, current events, and the like. Eventually, to get to know a person better, one must venture out of the safe topics for smalltalk and ask somewhat more personal questions to discover a person's preferences, interests, opinions, and worldview. NTs have an intuitive grasp of what they should say or ask next, but we aspies lack these intuitions. For example, I have occasionally asked women questions that have surprised them in a positive way because no one had asked them before, but it's just as easy for me to ask a question that is just plain weird or perhaps obvious.

Further, it is important that these topics convey more than a desire to get to know the person better. Women will not become romantically or sexually interested in a guy if they are not sexually excited or enticed in some other way. Yet surprisingly overt sexuality creeps most women out instantly.

As aspies, we need a better strategy. Any ideas?

This is what I try to do.

*I think it's easiest if you have a social life that revolves around your interests, and thats how you mainly meet the opposite sex. Because then it will be perfectly normal and good for you to talk about those things.

*Ask lots of questions, and let people talk about themselves and what they're interested in because everyone likes to do that!

*Try to talk positively about things, like if the subject was music you would talk about a band you loved rather than one you loathed. For some reason it's just miles more attractive.

I doubt anyone would mind being asked about their interests, career, future plans, personal history (ex. where they are from), etc. So these are probably pretty safe questions. Ask open-ended questions as well, as this will give the person more opportunity to elaborate. Don't ask any questions about someone's sexuality/sex-life. Although there may be some situations for which this is appropriate, to be safe, avoid those topics. Also, stay on topic- ask contingent questions. In other words, don't interrogate the person, jumping from topic to topic, but rather respond to what they have said, and possibly ask for more information about it. Try to be genuinely interested in them- really listen to what they say, and try to remember it. Ask them about it next time. For instance, if they tell you they are visiting their dad this weekend, the next week, ask them how the visit went. This makes people feel that you are interested in them. Make an effort to remember the names of people close to them- family members, pets, boy/girlfriends, etc.
Those are my 2 cents anyway!

I do these things too, at least the first two.

Let me just say this - total honesty? Not a good idea, in my experience. And I toss this in here because it has been my policy, up until of late, with approval and encouragement from whomever I may be talking to. In particular, I thought aspies could handle this, were beyond so called "neurotypicals" in this area; I was wrong. Even if the person you're talking to says it's alright, to please be honest and share everything, it can come back and bite you in the ass if you do so. People have told me total honesty is great, and please be that way. And often it is... for a while. Then, invariably, I'll get so comfortable with that honesty, that I share some of my own inner difficulties and struggles; honesty is honesty, after all. If someone says, "Is everything OK? You're not holding anything back from me, are you?" the best policy - lie. "Sure, everything's fine. No, not holding anything back." My problem seems to be that I don't know the difference between what it is OK to be totally honest with, and what I should lie about. I hate not being able to be myself; or, rather, I hate that if I'm my total self, people are unable to handle it. Aspie, neurotypical, whatever; I believe this to be a general human failing.

If anyone out there wants to differ, to say, “Sure Icarus, I can appreciate complete honesty; I’m sure that I can find a way not to judge you or what not if you’ll just be honest with me.” I say you’re confused. Humans simply aren't built to handle total honesty. For the sake of finding someone with whom I can have a romantic relationship, I need to work on being a better liar; 'tis a sad state of things, and it makes me ashamed to be human.

Good fortune,

- Icarus is overly open and honest...

Hmn. .

Social life centered around interests makes a lot, a lot, of sense- kudos for that suggestion. . .


unrelatedly, in your initial statement- that women are creeped out by overt sexuality- I don't agree with this. . .

Overt sexuality from strangers, yes, that's creepy. . . or from those who we've had no indication of that direction from, at times, as well; but from a friend who we flirt with from time to time. . . there are a lot of expressions of overt sexuality that could be very attractive.

Key things that need to be avoided? Well. . . if sex is all you are interested in, the chances of women being interested in you are on the low side. . . that's why developing it from an existing friendship is more likely to work. Also. . . am I the only one here that thinks it obvious that a lot of people want to, say, know a prospective partner before the pressure of sexual suggestion is introduced?

just some thoughts. .

You can show intrest in a woman without leaving the 'safe' barriers. Start by showing interest in her life, does she have a boyfriend, is she happy, her favorite foods, ect. Listenening to her problems helps to break down the barries many women construct to protect themselfs, and helping her to overcome troubles will melt any heart. She'll know you're interested by the level of intrest you take in her.

All these are after you're on a first name basis, just to be clear. It's not a good idea to walk up to a woman and ask if she has a boyfriend.

I was always taught that it is not polite to bring up the subjects of sex, religion or politics in polite company. Having said that, if you find yourself in the middle of a conversation on religion or politics then you're probably safe to dive in and make a contribution. Decent conversations on sex are rare and difficult to handle, even for NTs.

Ed Almos

I find that my problem in moving past the "safe" topics is that it's not easy for me to initiate conversation in general. It's hard for me to tell what other people are interested in talking about. However, when someone else starts a conversation, I can usually participate in it reasonably well, as I'm interested in a lot of things and generally know a little bit about them. This, of course, works less well when the conversation turns down a road where one of us is much more familar with a topic than the other.

So, if/when it ever arises that it's ok to move to a less "safe" topic, I probably won't notice, or even if I do, I probably won't be the one to bring it up.

I have found though, that if one is venturing to ask a potentially unsafe question, wrapping it in humor works well. The laugh can break the tension and make the subject easier to talk about. If it's still unsafe, you can play it off as "just a joke."

I've felt the same way myself... around anyone, NT or otherwise. I also hate it. Honesty is a really, really big thing for me, and the idea of ever having to lie to someone twists me up inside. There are a couple times I've had to do it, usually when something I've told one person comes into conflict with something I've told another... and even then I try to think of a way to satisfy my need to be truthful without breaking my word.

There are some things that one should not share, even if one is trying to be totally honest. In such cases, I don't believe that lying and saying "everything's ok, really" is the correct response. I'd rather say, "Yes, I'm holding something back because I don't think I can talk about it right now." An NT might not be able to handle that response, but I think an aspie could.



Most certainly not. I don't think it's really even possible for me to be sexually attracted to someone I'm not already friends with, and have been so for a while.

However, in the NT dating world at least, it seems to be the case that if sexual interest in a person is not expressed very quickly, usually within the first few meetings, then it becomes exceedingly difficult to get the person to look at you as a romantic interest when they've already started thinking of you as, at most, "just a friend." That's not to say that they don't want to get to know the person before actually doing anything sexual... just that, if romance isn't put on the table as an interest right away, it seems to be difficult to put it there later.

This is a really simple issue to resolve. Just say, "Sooooo...." and really draw it out. That generally signals that you want to move from safe topics to naughty ones.

Yeah, im bad this. Haha. Laugh at Kalister.

I hate it when people do this. I've worked so hard for my "when people are joking, or not" sensors, and this throws them off. . . I'd rather they just couch it somehow- "uh. . .well. . .this is sort of a sensitive topic for a lot of people, so I totally understand if you don't want to answer it, but" and then ask the question.

I do understand why you'd do it that way instead, though, and I don't consider it an underhanded tactic. . .





I may have a skewed perspective due to my aspie-heavy existence, but I think even NT's would handle that fine. . . "I can't talk about this right now" or even "I can't talk about it with you"- provided it's accompanied by reassurance that you value their concern- well, at least if you do and you want to preserve the relationship. .




eh. .
sort of.

From what I can tell, mild interest needs to be expressed immediately, but mild enough that it can comfortably not develop into anything.

This is part of why and how flirting is an art in it's self. . .

Keep working on that, I say. Nothing is more flattering to a woman (I think, anyway) than a man who can ask an unexpected or unique questions... it shows they want more than booty.

I don't have a whole lot of trouble relating to a guy if I can tell he's attracted to me. Some aspies it seems that their inability to figure out what's appropriate to talk about, can be the death of them. I thrive on it. It's a big part of my personality, and if someone's not comfortable with it, we will probably never click. But I've found that if you can be confident about it, it can work for you. When I met my fiance (in a Dunkin' Donuts ) we talked for about 6 hours about EVERYTHING. I thrive on digging into the most parts of the human mind and memories, and I love spilling out mine. You should just try to learn to let it work for you... be confident about the questions you ask. If you want to know, ask, but let her know she's not obligated to answer. Or tell her something on the same level, in return.

Anyway, as a woman, I find it easier to talk to men. I've never been a dude before, so I can't really even know if I'm capable of giving advice like that. But those are my experiences anyway.

Herein lies a triple edged sword. Total honesty? Lying, even by omission? Or the expression that you don't want to or can't share a particular thing?

That last one has an edge of its own. For in saying that you can't or don't wish to discuss something with someone, presumably someone with whom you share a bond of closeness and openness, does not the very act of doing so tend to damage that bond of closeness and openness, sometimes in very subtle ways? There certainly are things best kept to oneself; and one may certainly say, in all honesty, "I keep this to myself for the sharing of it would cause more trouble than it solves..." But consider how the person that you tell this to perceives such things; they must tend to wonder, why cannot my partner share something with me? Is it that horrible? Is it about me? Does he not trust me to handle it? Etc., etc., etc... And there are numerous etcs. here to consider. So, it seems that being honest about not being able to share something can also potentially cut someone. And that is a jagged edge to cut someone with indeed, especially if openness and honesty and the ability to share "anything" is one of the cornerstones of the relationship. Some may be able to handle such a notion without harm; I suspect many cannot help but being stung by the notion that they are best protected thought the keeping of certain things to one's self; so, once again, it is a gamble. Again, this is an inherent flaw in humans...

Thereby the awful choice of lying bubbles to the top as the best, does it not? For through it potentially dangerous truths may be concealed, and so to is potentially dangerous knowledge that there is anything being concealed at all.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Good fortune,

- Icarus knows the rules well, but still can't play the game...

Gods I wish you were single. You sound like someone whom I could lose myself in... And enjoy it.

Do you have any single sisters?

Good fortune,

- Icarus needs a girl who thrives the same things he does...

Haha, no single sisters. My mom is single though! How old are you? I'll so hook you up

-Flattered to see that there are still men intrigued by things deeper than boobs