when your love has AS and likely doesn't know it ...

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Hi folks ... I found your site today ... so far the best one on adult AS I've come across.

Im in a serious relationship with a man I've come to realize has Asperger's. Im relieved to realize it actually ... it explains so much of the communication and intimacy problems we've had that I assumed were about me. (I take it that is very neurotypical of me ) He and I are on nearly opposite ends of the scale in terms of emotional expression. I have long experience in misdiagnosed problems in my son, who at various times was thought to be OD, ADHD, Aspergers, bipolar, depressed, you name it ... so Im not unfamiliar with this whole arena.

Any answer to this question would be so greatly appreciated. My friend has been clean in a recovery program for many years (19!), and that is his support system and the structure around which he bases his life. I don't think he's ever had an professional support, testing, or diagnosis --- even in the school setting. There are also significant family issues of addiction, abuse, and complete noncommunication which he prefers not to discuss.

How do I approach him about this? If this is a brand new concept to him, at 39, should I expect anger or denial? I care very much about this person and would like to think we can have a successful relationship.

From the perspective of someone WITH Aspergers, what is the best way to approach this?

Tracy

Hello TracyLynn and Welcome to Wrongplanet!! I hope you enjoy it here. It's always nice to have sympathetic NTs around to help us understand social things, and give another perspective on various things

Everyone with AS is different, as I'm sure you know, so the best thing I can tell you is how I, personally would have wanted to be told, although what I prefer is not neccesarily what would be easiest for him. I would've wanted to be told almost straight out, but in a non-confrontational way, like "Hey, I was online today and I saw a news article/website/etc,(one that he'd see himself in) I thought you might be interested in"

As it was, my parents suspected I had AS for years before they even thought about doing anything about it. That's definetely not the way to go about it.

I'm 31 and when I was diagnosed - well, when someone first brought it up to me, I read about it and then sort of ignored it for a few months and then went and got diagnosed - I wasn't ever angry with the person who mentioned it - but I also have a certian obcession with psychology so that may have colored my reaction a lot . . .

I'm afraid I can't really say what to expect once you tell him; it seems like our reactions differ quite a bit when we find out-for some it's a relief and it's welcomed, and for others it's a shock and it's denied-and everything in between. I guess I would definately agree with Mockingbird about it being non-confrontational; also, and this may seem a little strange, maybe go about it in a casual way, because this discovery of AS could mean big changes for him, and change can be difficult for us. I know that whenever someone tells me something that will lead to changes, I like to be told in a very casual way, in a casual setting, as if it's no big deal-which I know may be difficult since it sounds like it is a big deal to you. Perhaps just recommend some websites or magazine articles about AS that you found quite interesting-that's what my mom did, and I think it was the best way anyone could have gone about it for me. I find that being told big news or experiencing an event that leads to change in this way seems for me to sort of ease the negative emotional impact that the change sometimes has on me. Maybe even ease into it a little if you find that he's having difficulty with it, and let him pace himself. I apologize though if this isn't the kind of thing that would work with him though, I know that everyone reacts to it differently.

Without meaning to sound rude, how have you 'come to know' this fact? There are many issues that can present with AS-like symptoms, which it later transpires derive from a different aetiology.

In the absence of a Formal Diagnosis, such assertions must be considered purely speculative until such time as further evidence is forthcoming, or until the man himself thinks he might have it.

As others have suggested, it might make sense for you to steer this man in the direction of Web Sites, books, magazines, pamphlets, leaflets and so on and so forth, that discuss AS. In the event that he does think he might have AS, he can decide whether or not to pursue formal diagnosis or not.

I find social situations confusing.
I find it hard to make small talk.
I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
I am good at picking up details and facts.
I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling.
I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
People often say I was rude even when this was not intended.
I have unusually strong, narrow interests.
I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way.
I have always had difficulty making friends.

almost all of these 'symptoms' apply. As well as the eye-contact avoidance, sensitivity to touch, smells, sounds, the intense focus on his interests, fear of change .... his family referred to him as the "little professor" as a kid. I don't find your question rude, I've wondered myself almost since we began if something is "wrong" with him, mostly to do with his communication style and rigidness ... he's just "different", unique and "eccentric", which is part of what I really like about him.

Certainly possible it's something other than AS, but it seems like a perfect fit to me. Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Thanks all ... I'll probably hang around a bit!

I think the best way to "break the news to him" is to show him this site. Do it when he's likely to be open to seeing it. In other words, don't do it when he just came home from work, when he's watching his favorite TV show, or when you're about to get intimate. Probably right after dinner would be good. Open it with something like this: "I found this fun site about Asperger's. It's got some interesting posts from all kinds of people. Let me show it to you, so you can take a look." When I first found this site, I had a "holy s***, that's me" reaction. I can't say how he'll react, but I'm sure he won't feel you're forcing it, which is good. Good luck.

Hi. I strongly suggest you read The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome [amazon.com]. It has a lot of suggestions for how to improve the odds of having a healthy relationship, the most apropos being that you should NEVER force someone to get a diagnosis against their will. If there's an Autism Society office near you they may have a copy in their library that you can borrow. Maybe you'll get really lucky and find a copy at a public library.

The other thing to bear in mind is that people who are diagnosed as adults sometimes experience a post-diagnostic increase in the number and severity of symptoms. The process of internalizing the information and rediscovering ourselves is like going through adolescence all over again. Please have a look at "Help! I Seem to be Getting More Autistic!" [autistics.org]. These adjustments take time, and may cause some stress for both of you. In particular, read the sections labelled "Erecting a new facade", "Learning you are autistic or perseverating on autism" and "Looking for a lost self".