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Apollyon
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10 Nov 2007, 3:09 am

People keep telling me I "need" a boyfriend, and that being single is unhealthy. I'm just not interested. I would much rather read my books and articles, watch my movies, and draw. Does anyone else that their own interests and hobbies take the front seat to relationships? (Both romantic and platonic.)



yesplease
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10 Nov 2007, 3:16 am

Si.Although I try to balance 'em to some extent.



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10 Nov 2007, 5:16 am

Yes, I find this.


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Nagy
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10 Nov 2007, 11:17 am

Apollyon wrote:
People keep telling me I "need" a boyfriend, and that being single is unhealthy. I'm just not interested. I would much rather read my books and articles, watch my movies, and draw. Does anyone else that their own interests and hobbies take the front seat to relationships? (Both romantic and platonic.)

I thought it was just me
now I am happy to find others :D
I am living in a small town, in a third world country (Egypt), and when relatives tells me that there is a bride for me, I ask, what's her IQ? LOL
of course non of them knows what is an IQ!, they bearly read their names
anyway, I can't stand for the idea of living with someone else, or even being in love
honestly I am more into things and places rather than humans, almost the same as cats :lol:
even if I found the right person, I will never be able to take the first step, I can't have an eye contact, I can't speak first, and if I was to talk, I will only go on and on and on about the things I like, nothing else
so I knew that I can't bear with anyone and no one would bear with me
and I accepted this reality, and I am happy about it

one wise relative told me once, if any relationship doesn't add anything to you, then don't get into it

and I don't see my self missing anything to be in relationship with anyone


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11 Nov 2007, 1:21 pm

10 years in a bad relationship.

I'm finally starting to enjoy life again...I'm relaxed, I can breathe.

People keep telling me the same thing... :roll:

It might be nice to find someone on the same wavelength to be friends with...but other than that I'm really not ready don't know if I ever will be...afraid of losing the ground I've gained so to speak.


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11 Nov 2007, 1:28 pm

Those who are unhealthy are the people who feel they "need" a partner in order to be happy.

If you feel happy as you are, just ignore your critics.


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Kurtz
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11 Nov 2007, 3:24 pm

Apollyon wrote:
People keep telling me I "need" a boyfriend, and that being single is unhealthy.


Those people need to be quiet. That's just cruel.

That's like telling a quadriplegic "it's unhealthy to sit around all day, you should go jogging."

If they know you, they know you have difficulties in those areas through no fault of your own. That is emotional abuse, plain and simple.

If you don't have a boyfriend, that's because you can't handle that right now. There's no reason to be ashamed of that, it shows that you're mature enough to know that it would be destructive right now, which is, oddly enough, a sign that you would make a great girlfriend. Two males in positions of trust and authority abused you horribly just as you were going through puberty. I think you're allowed a little time to get your head together, but hey, that's just me.


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Apollyon
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11 Nov 2007, 7:14 pm

Relationships are a very multifaceted, loaded issue with me. I just have too many points of view and contradictory experiences to sort it all out. There is the experiences I mentioned in another thread which probably created a deep rooted fear of rejection and inadequacy in me, and being extremely emotionally and psychologically naive have been taken advantage of when I actually did attempt to pursue romantic endeavors (perhaps only because I thought that was what was expected of me), but overall my experiences with males have been positive.

Truthfully, I dislike the dating game. It is similar to the social game, which I also dislike, and don't understand. However, in my opinion, the dating game is far more complex and poses greater potential losses. For me, that is. Furthermore, I don't find myself attracted to anyone in the way that NT people do, and find so natural. Only twice has it happened, but I find my likes are very extreme and border on obsessive. Rejection, when I finally meet a person I feel comfortable and have allowed the privilege of being in my proverbial circle, can be devastating to my ego.

I have tried dating, but they were disasters. I simply don't do the usual things. I don't like the feeling that during courtship, I have to "put my best foot forward" and market myself in such a manner that is contrary to who I really am. I am not interested in having a boyfriend simply for the sake of being with someone, and I find that most people's relationships are quite shallow. I also don't understand people who feel that they are "nothing without so-and-so". That in itself is very confusing. I don't understand not having my own identity. As such, I refuse to sacrifice my interests, habits, and quirks to appease someone. Nor do I accept relinquishing my freedom. No wonder so many people go through an identity crisis and/or a mid-life crisis. You spend so much time pleasing someone else that you become the person THEY want you to be, and eventually you have lost your identity. That's a scary thought. Further more, true love is accepting a person for both their strengths and weaknesses- otherwise It's just a comfortable lie that people live with.

A few years ago I went on two dates with a self-proclaimed intellectual who felt I talked too much, and that my persistence to discuss certain themes was irritating. The way I saw it, he was being ungrateful to the fact that by me being talkative around him he was obviously special. I wished him good luck on finding a trophy wife, and that it was no great loss to me- I still have my special interests that I'm "obsessed" with.



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11 Nov 2007, 8:02 pm

Un heathly? Bahh i think it is great that you are content they way you are. when and if a relationship is right for you, you will know. Dont push yourself into somehting you dont want because your friends say so. Just keep on doing what you enjoy.



whats unhealthy, is to depend on someone else for your happyness.


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11 Nov 2007, 8:06 pm

I would never date for the sake of having a girlfriend.

Tim


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Space
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11 Nov 2007, 8:22 pm

Relationships are overrated. The world/mass media just tells you they are the most important thing in life, and that you should be obsessed with attracting a mate because then you constantly buy things to make you more marketable to the opposite sex. Relationships involve spending money, and if you have kids then it's even more money spent, so goes the economy. It is all rooted in consumerism.



Kurtz
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12 Nov 2007, 3:18 am

Apollyon wrote:
Truthfully, I dislike the dating game. It is similar to the social game, which I also dislike, and don't understand. However, in my opinion, the dating game is far more complex and poses greater potential losses. For me, that is. Furthermore, I don't find myself attracted to anyone in the way that NT people do, and find so natural. Only twice has it happened, but I find my likes are very extreme and border on obsessive. Rejection, when I finally meet a person I feel comfortable and have allowed the privilege of being in my proverbial circle, can be devastating to my ego.


You say your likes are extreme? In what way? What I used to do a lot was idealize someone, put them on a pedestal, and when then disappointed me I'd feel so...destroyed inside. I felt like a sucker, an idiot for letting anyone get close to me.

Apollyon wrote:
I have tried dating, but they were disasters. I simply don't do the usual things. I don't like the feeling that during courtship, I have to "put my best foot forward" and market myself in such a manner that is contrary to who I really am.


Aw. What way is that? What aspects of your personality do you emphasize/de-emphasize? What I used to do was pull a full-body poker face and hope I could coast on being agreeable, which went over like a lead balloon.

Apollyon wrote:
I am not interested in having a boyfriend simply for the sake of being with someone, and I find that most people's relationships are quite shallow. I also don't understand people who feel that they are "nothing without so-and-so". That in itself is very confusing. I don't understand not having my own identity. As such, I refuse to sacrifice my interests, habits, and quirks to appease someone. Nor do I accept relinquishing my freedom. No wonder so many people go through an identity crisis and/or a mid-life crisis. You spend so much time pleasing someone else that you become the person THEY want you to be, and eventually you have lost your identity. That's a scary thought. Further more, true love is accepting a person for both their strengths and weaknesses- otherwise It's just a comfortable lie that people live with.


Good girl. That's an awesome attitude. I really like the last sentence. I wish I had heard that years ago.

You've got an excellent instinctive grasp of the nature of your problems.

Apollyon wrote:
A few years ago I went on two dates with a self-proclaimed intellectual...


aka an as*hole...

Apollyon wrote:
.. who felt I talked too much, and that my persistence to discuss certain themes was irritating. The way I saw it, he was being ungrateful to the fact that by me being talkative around him he was obviously special. I wished him good luck on finding a trophy wife, and that it was no great loss to me- I still have my special interests that I'm "obsessed" with.


In other words he, like those worthless teachers of yours, was threatened by a girl whose brainpower left them in the dust. They suffered a horrible narcissistic injury because you were objectively better than all three of them; they felt compelled to humiliate you in order to preserve their own weak egos.

You're a tough little bugger, aren't you? You've had it pretty rough.


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12 Nov 2007, 7:04 am

Self proclaimed intellectuals are usually pompous boring twits. A true intellectual doesn't have to put others down to make themselves good AND they also like to meet others who they can learn from.


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Apollyon
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12 Nov 2007, 7:56 am

Kurtz wrote:
You say your likes are extreme? In what way? What I used to do a lot was idealize someone, put them on a pedestal, and when then disappointed me I'd feel so...destroyed inside. I felt like a sucker, an idiot for letting anyone get close to me.


Extreme, as in, I feel either nothing or everything. Now, these two people I indicated are still good friends of mine. I may even love them. The former simply has his own issues to untangle, and although it took me several years to release my deathgrip on my own intense feelings- I will say that he never lead me on and was honest with me from day one. Any disappointments I suffered were due to my own tunnel vision. The latter of the two, well- is married. End of story there. How did I become so focused on these two individuals? A strange combination of meaningful coincidences and mutual understanding.

Nonetheless, I do tend to idealize people. Often out of naivety.

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Aw. What way is that? What aspects of your personality do you emphasize/de-emphasize? What I used to do was pull a full-body poker face and hope I could coast on being agreeable, which went over like a lead balloon.


I'm not exactly certain. I just feel as though I'm "supposed" to act in this idealistic manner. I notice other people going to great lengths to impress their dates. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm doing, but it seems different.

I have tried the "poker face", and then they kept asking me "what's wrong?" and if I was uncomfortable. Come to think of it, I've been asked the same thing when I wasn't trying to act a certain way.

Sometimes, they have made me feel even more uncomfortable by pointing things out to me. "Dude, what's with the neck spasms?", "Do you have a speech impediment?", etc. I think people are just plain rude. I'm already ultra analytical, I don't need someone helping me. But I have noticed sometimes when I watch people, that couples pick each other apart! Why do you do this? Why do you do that? Why are you looking that way?

Why ask so many redundant questions in the first place? You have their attraction, you have their wallet- and now you want their thoughts? How greedy is that?

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You've got an excellent instinctive grasp of the nature of your problems.


I analyze. Over, and over, and over again. It's sometimes self-destructive.

Apollyon wrote:
A few years ago I went on two dates with a self-proclaimed intellectual...


Quote:
aka an as*hole...


Pretty much. Smart people can be jerks too.


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You're a tough little bugger, aren't you? You've had it pretty rough.


I just refuse to be victimized anymore.



Apollyon
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12 Nov 2007, 8:10 am

Pandora wrote:
Self proclaimed intellectuals are usually pompous boring twits. A true intellectual doesn't have to put others down to make themselves good AND they also like to meet others who they can learn from.


Very well said. I completely agree.

Furthermore, I can learn something from everyone. Oh, and this man was incredibly boring. He told me I was too persistent about certain themes, but he was the one who would not shut up about David Lynch movies. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

I cannot stand people that constantly belittle those around them with their IQs. Here Aspies are supposedly the ones who lack empathy. The more posts I read here- the clearer it is that just because you can't express your thoughts doesn't mean you lack feelings, and everyone here has a very strong moral compass. I'm not insensitive, the rest of the world is.



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12 Nov 2007, 2:01 pm

Space wrote:
Relationships are overrated. The world/mass media just tells you they are the most important thing in life, and that you should be obsessed with attracting a mate because then you constantly buy things to make you more marketable to the opposite sex. Relationships involve spending money, and if you have kids then it's even more money spent, so goes the economy. It is all rooted in consumerism.

You have a very Economical way of thinking :).

I sort of think like that; but not to the same extent.