Am i an aspie?

Post Reply New Topic

good god, i don't even know which forum i should post this in 0.0

i have just sent an email to the national autism helpline with a file attached to it. it's Word and 3 pages long. i hope someone here can be arsed enough to read them and give his/her opinion whether i'm aspie or not (need quick answer, as those people from that soc's bound to be slow).

many thanks, guys

p.s. where's the attach-file button thing? anyways send me a PM if it's not there and i'll email it to you instead

hello darling

i'm sure that autism helplines get multi-page essays from people like us quite a lot, we just have to tell them absolutely every detail... if anything it just goes to show you're more likely an aspie. unfortunately the helplines never seem to really say anything useful or make any assessments (at least none that i've ever heard of have). they usually just give information on how to get a proper assessment done, which can be a nightmare i know this as i'm trying to help a friend through the process at the moment, and its proving very difficult.

since its so hard getting assessments done properly the online autism community is quite tolerant of self-diagnosed aspies so dont feel like you're intruding here

anyway welcome, and if theres anything you need to know just ask!

Hello Darling,

I love your name. I did not read your three pages, only an Aspie would write three pages.

I hearby declare you Aspie, with all Rights and Privledges to live on Wrong Planet.

There is no such thing as AS, we are all a Culture of One.

Welcome to the playground!

but i would love if someone can read those 3 pages i really need to make absolute certain if i'm an aspie or not. hands up if you want to be emailed by me!! !

Take the Baron-Cohen AQ test, if you score over 26, go and track down the DSM-IV-TR criteria for Asperger's. Apply yourself to it objectively and possibly with input from your parents.

If you meet such, probably.

Go and see someone, it needn't even be a super autism specialist, they'll know if you exhibit the stereotypical appearance of someone with an autism spectrum disorder or not.

AQ test
Asperger's criteria

You could copy and paste the pages into a post.

thanks guys =] i've taken the test from the 'members only forum'. not very happy with the score: 166 out of 200 >_> and i don't want to tell anyone about it either, it's better in that way.

well i can copy and paste it here, but won't this thread crash or something if there's like a really long post?

I don't know. It shouldn't crash it, but there might be a character limit for posts. If there is, just copy and paste sections into a series of posts.

I don't know. It shouldn't crash it, but there might be a character limit for posts. If there is, just copy and paste sections into a series of posts.

okay here goes:


I’m 17, female and of asian background. When I was small, I love climbing trees and running and blah-blah like most kids do but I didn’t hang around with them. It’s not that I’m shy, but I just can’t bring myself to them. I get awkward very easily and sometimes loss for words. In fact, I can’t talk very well. Maybe I’m not an aspie after all, but fact remains that I struggle a lot with my speech. I can’t start a conversation very well, or even end it, and I always hope some event can trigger something so that I can stop talking etc e.g. bell rings, oops, lesson time. A lot of people think I’m very posh, and it’s not just my accent but the words I use. I read a lot to collect words and if I get awkward in my speech, I use them. So people say I’m the technical-textbook type. Maybe that’s true. I love reading dictionaries and thesauruses and even The Mahabharata. And maybe I’m naturally a boring person, but I don’t understand that, say, I read some fascinating thing from the newspaper but when I want to say it to my friends, I just go on and on, struggling for words and feeling very helpless and eventually they turn away or ignore me. It’s painful sometimes, cos you always shout at em in your mind: hey, I’m struggling here ya know. But I don’t really blame them. Who would listen to someone who discusses about galaxies and types of lightsabres?

I was reading an article about AS and I got struck by the symptoms listed, as I nearly have them all. My parents have always said that when I was small, I love stacking cups. I can go on forever, and it’s not just cups, it’s anything really random that I can suddenly become absorbed into. In a challenge that you usually find in science museums, I tried to balance some things for 5 hours solid. I love playing with Lego, magnetix and plastecene, and I still do if I get upset etc. I’m also very good at drawing since I was very young, and I used to get obsessed with copying out battleships very accurately from my dad’s red, giant book (but that may be due to being left-handed, as they say). Although I’m very clever with my hands, I’m also very clumsy. I remember us walking in the supermarket when I suddenly dropped a huge bottle of mayonnaise and I had no idea how that happened. My fingers get fidgety too, especially when I’m under pressure (e.g. during a competition). I try to improve this by playing badminton, as that involves a lot of quick reactions. Or close my eyes, take a deep breath and repeat ‘I’ll be alright’ over and over again. I also love collecting things; I used to collect stamps, bottle tops and even bus tickets. Anything stupid, my mates say, I get very addicted to. At the moment I’m addicted to brick break (a game).

I am not mentally stupid though, in fact I did an IQ test and I had above average results, and also my GCSE results are very good. I love art, as mentioned, but I also love mathematics. I love the way it’s so accurate, precise, orderly, symmetrical …I just find that beautiful. Another way to take my mind off something is to play with the compass and make geometrical patterns. And I have a passion for beauty. I’m not gay, but I admire how women can look so feminine, perfect and symmetrical in designers’ adverts – and this is all the opposite of how I look. I’m never confident with myself; I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not pretty. But I try to educate myself with fashion trends etc, because my mates have always pointed out that my dress sense is terrible. Now, they say I’m probably the trendiest girl, which I’m very proud of because it’s an achievement, although I couldn’t care less how I look really.

I try to improve myself especially my social skills. I watch movies, read books etc to learn how people react to certain things. I practice and rehearse what I’m going to say tomorrow the night before. Occasionally it doesn’t work, and I’m always left in an embarrassing situation. It’s not fair, I think. I realised that this is way too big to be classified as a ‘weak spot’, and I try to cure myself. There are strings of events where I’m deeply miserable about, for example my best mate I’ve ever had left me a few years ago and I never seem to win anyone that I love. What’s safer, I think, is to avoid having a best mate or fancy someone. And it worked; I haven’t been exactly depressed for a while, although it’s sometimes very painful. I also realised that if I need social attention, I have to change my personality. Maybe not necessarily CHANGE it, but I have to act. I study loads of characters from movies and books and try to build a realistic profile and slowly adapt to it. For some reason, I thought that being hyper and dramatic is the answer to this poor social skill thing. It’s the opposite of who I really am anyway, and protects and disguises me so well. I watch Japanese animation especially, as they’re very good at expressing emotions with their bodily gestures. I even practice drawing manga, until I get the hang of different emotions and how to respond to them. All these information I can actually imagine putting them away and

labeling them, and even plant some triggers. I practice out my so-called new personality in the last two years of my secondary school, and it went so well it affected my choice of sixth form colleges. For example, I was about to choose a grammar school but I couldn’t bear to leave my friends, whom I’ve gotten proud to say I can understand them a bit at last. I also don’t want an alien environment, as that’s too risky. Well, I generally take a lot of risks, but when it comes to this, no way. I rather continue act stupid but still surrounded by people I know.

Sometimes being naïve itself helped me a lot to understand people. I began to learn the things that are expected in society and this makes me easier to respond to them. Don’t blame me, but I do practice in front of the bathroom mirror, or before I go to bed. I also began experimenting, giving out different acts and carefully noting down people’s reactions and their attitude towards it. I realised that the more I know about someone, the more comfortable I am when talking to. Sometimes I talk better to boys, because they can bear to listen to me and even laugh when others don’t. I’ve almost forgotten how to love someone, because by now I can see everyone as beautiful as each other, and yet so different. To me, they’re so fascinating I just can’t choose one but to love everyone instead. I do have an ideal person though, but I don’t think he even exists! And anyway I’m the sort of person who has to approach to people, not the other way round, and sometimes I feel sad about it because it’s like I’m not needed in society at all.

I’m not saying that I’ve solved my ultimate problem at last, in fact sometimes things backfire at me. Now that I’m in college, I met a lot of really fascinating people and as intelligent and intellectual as I am. Some of them have problems with their social skills too, and I take this as an advantage. Eventually I built a circle of devoted friends, whom I thought I could trust and feel safe with. I decided to hold a party, where I tried to make an excuse that I just feel like practicing out my organization skills. But in actual fact, I just want to celebrate this truly Moment of Life. After years of practice. After years of studying. It’s like winning a million pounds. I was so happy. Too happy that I failed to calculate the pros and cons of something, which had become a habit beforehand. So when they came to me the day before the party and admitted that they couldn’t come, I felt so numbed. It’s like … being hit by something really hard after the happiest moment of your life. And for the first time in a very long time, I was loss for words. I couldn’t accept apologies; I rushed to the toilet instead and cried silently there. Thank goodness I have learnt how to cry, there was a nasty incident around 7 years ago that I vowed never to cry again. After 3 years though, everything exploded out, and I realised that sometimes you do need a good cry. And that’s the only thing that comfort me nowadays.

Well not really, since I have imaginary friends or mentors. In that toilet, they all came to me and tried to comfort me. I have four mentors, but Brat dominates me at the moment although the General always point out that I’ll be better off if he gets the throne. But Audrey is so comforting and serene and she hugged me and everything and told me to hold on still and that everything is – and always be – alright. I just need to pull myself, take a deep breath and return to my original position. Ella told me that there’s no such thing as a True Person, and she’s right. Even I’m not True, I’m probably the fakest person alive. As the General has always said, the most powerful weapon any man desires is ultimate self-control and the ability to mechanise yourself in certain situations.

They are not the only ones that have helped me throughout these years. My parents support me all the time, even though they have no idea that I lack of social skills. Most importantly, they planted strong willpower and determination in me since I was very young. I will never give up on anything, and that kept me go on and trying and take risks and learn from my mistakes, as mistakes are there to be learnt from. My parents themselves are very unique people, coming from different class backgrounds and since they’re educated, they commit themselves to their children and teach us never to accept things readily and always keep an open mind to everything. We don’t have a TV or junk food at home. Even though I feel different from other people, I am always comfortable with them as they too, are different from others even though the big difference is they’re just rebelling against society! Another person I’m in debt with is an online person I met online 3 years ago. Without him, I don’t think I can cope with myself as I spill out all my troubles to

him. I can do that to a wall, but I’d prefer a wall that can do abit of reaction, if you get what I mean.

I also try and practice expressing myself, and not just to understand others. I forced myself to put my hand up in classes and joined the Debating Society. I tried writing poetry, although I always fail as I get stuck on what to say. It sometimes happens when I want to draw something too, when my mind just goes totally blank and I suddenly feel that there is a limit to imagination after all. However, I find peace in say, drawing geometry or listen to a certain music or read literature or slosh loads of colours on canvas. I prefer to work alone in a spacey area as that is when I can put my full concentration on something; however if someone KNOWS I’m alone then I get really awkward and have the need to be part of a crowd. I even take advantage of my own weaknesses, transferring my obsession on things that are related to schoolwork. I love details, and can’t stand any errors, especially the small ones. My handwriting is terrible, but I’m proud of it because at least I’ve inherited something from my dad. In fact, dad said that I look like an architect. Hyperism is another thing that I take advantage of, as it allows me to observe people from the ‘back seat’. Somehow I managed to train myself to ‘slow down’ time and notice everything. Does that make sense? I gradually became a perfectionist, although I know that not a lot of people realise that as I’m so absent-minded and get distracted so very easily. I also have my religion, which kept me strong all the time except when I forget about it due to being absorbed into something e.g. the actual success of socializing with some people at college.

I have tried to be realistic and honest about myself in this account. Although I admit (shamelessly) that I’m an intelligent person, somehow I don’t like the feeling of being unable to socialize properly. I’ve tried to cure myself – sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But overall, I’m quite impressed with my own progress as I have changed so much. I am no longer as helpless as before. Even though I can get confused when someone tells a joke and everyone laughs and I don’t get it, I think I’m almost as normal as everybody else. To my friends, I’m a ‘weirdo but in a nice way’, ‘naïve, eccentric but quite sane’ etc. That’s better than them assuming I’m dumb, as they have thought before. However, I feel something is missing. I still get awkward in my speech, and it has gotten worse lately. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I’m slowing getting less confident with myself of being capable to do anything. Even my grades are going down. And it’s not due to me having fun with my mates. I suppose it’s part of growing up, but I need a real someone and yet that’s almost impossible. So many things have turned out to be very wrong to the stage that I avoid them completely. I’m also tired of ‘pretending’, but it’s hard to be myself. I’m not glamorous, which is probably why all my mates come to me for advice about who they fancy etc because they don’t see me as a competent. Actually, that itself is a compliment as they now see me ‘acceptable’ and no longer insensitive to emotional issues. I want to break the shield I’ve set around me myself. But I can’t!

And I want a confirmation at least whether I’m an aspie or not. If that is a yes, it would become a relief to me as now I know I’m not alone in this world; but I will also dread that answer as there is no actual ‘cure’ to it, which is what I’ve been trying to do for years. If the answer is a no, I’m not an aspie; then I’ll just look at myself as a smart twat with poor social skills. Please give me your opinions, or you can ask me more questions if you like. I’ve literally given my best shot at writing about myself, which is something I have never achieved!

okay here goes:

This sounds Aspie. And just like me.
How severe are the speech difficulties? If they are severe enough you could possibly qualify as having autism, but Aspies are not always free from speech problems. I have problems with starting conversations and initiating speech- sometimes I'll need a trigger, such as someone speaking, before I can get words out. I'm sure that these problems could be associated with social phobia, though. Social phobia and Asperger's can co-exist.

Aspies are known for their "over-formal, pedantic" way of speaking. I see nothing wrong with being well-spoken.

That sounds Aspie to me. I've been reading dictionaries and thesauruses since childhood. I love learning new words and finding new ways to express my thoughts.

That sounds very Aspie. When I do it (unless I'm talking to my mother), I get told to stop going on and on about boring things, or that I'm flaunting my knowledge. I'm not! I'm trying to share things that I'm interested in and that I think other people may also find interesting.
Probably a sign of AS.

Obsessiveness is an Aspie trait. I've read of autistic people being fantastic drawers (Stephen Wiltshire being a famous example) and building toys (such as Lego) seem popular amongst Aspies. I'm almost 24 and I still love Lego and Magnetix and if I had some plasticine here I could easily become absorbed in playing with it.


Clumsiness is an Aspie trait. I have horrible large motor skills (well, I don't, it's just that inanimate objects have it in for me ) and unreliable fine motor skills. When I'm under stress, I lose the sense of where my hands are, making it difficult to do things with them.
*looks up Brick Break* Ohhh that looks fun. I'm going to give it a try. I have a Tetris addiction.
Being obsessive about things is an Aspie trait, and it can be about things that most people find boring. This does not make you boring, it means that you have a different set of priorities. Different is not necessarily bad. I am a collector; I've collected all sorts of things. My current collections are rocks and shells. I was collecting bus tickets as a child and a couple of years ago.

That sounds Aspie, the love of order.

Solace through order: it sounds Aspie to me. My way of taking my mind off things is to calculate the Fibonacci sequence in my head.
Learning social things, such as trendy things, by conscious means, is an Aspie trait. It's how I learned my social skills.

That sense of having to act to be accepted is very Aspie.

Treating socialisation as a scientific experiment: very Aspie.

I think most people would be more comfortable with people they know.

I LOVE university for that very reason.

Are you sure it was because of them you that they couldn't come?
Sudden social rejection is awful, it feels like a brick being thrown at your stomach, especially when you'd thought that you were doing well.


How do you experience these friends? Can you see them there, or do you just imagine them? Are they in your head, or do you experience them as being outside of you?

I've had friends like that online. Aspies, in my experience, on the whole, tend to be better at typing than talking.


Going by what you've written, you sound Aspie to me. I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, though, that is just my personal opinion.

the feeling is undescribale to be honest -_-


well probably not very severe; it was before but i managed to somehow get the hang of it. yeah i've got a problem with starting/finishing conversations but when you have an awkward silence, you just have to try and do it cos you get very uncomfortable etc. i'd love to have triggers like that, but well, it doesn't happen all the time. i've had a look at what social phobia is; some bits are true, some aren't (for me).


really? well thing is, it does get abit embarrassing when people comment about me being 'posh' when we're just leik having a normal conversation anyways i'm happy with it, because interviewers are always impressed with me lol!!


WOW really? too bad my librarian never borrows me this particular dictionary. i don't like the brief, so-called concise ones, but there's this old old dictionary and i couldn't stop reading it. i even hid it behind a shelf so that no one can get it! and yeah, i find how people express their thoughts interesting too, but i can never seem to copy it properly cos it always turn to be 'unnatural'.


yeah my mates keep saying that. and i don't understand when people start being nasty and say to me 'stop showing off' etc when i'm not really. i mean, isn't it good to know? and i don't know why i get obsessed with lightsabres too lol


yeah i've heard about stephen wiltshire, he's the black boy who got scholarships to become an architect, right? at the moment, i'm trying to recommend out Study Area at college to get a bin of lego pieces, but the person in charge was like 'whaa?'. i tried to explain to her that it's 'therapy' and assured her that everyone will find the same too. ooh, try plastecene! actually no. my maths teacher made me sit in class afterschool once to complete my homework as i get distracted very easliy, but i ended up trying to build a miniature fairy with plastecene


is it? i thought they're supposed to be very good with their hands. when things slip from my hands for unknown reasons i always conclude that it's due to my long fingers =] yeah, when i'm under pressure or panicking, i always get 'huh? omg omg blank-blank-blank' etc.

oh trust me, you dont want to try brick break. i'm just waiting for game over so that i can start revising for january exams tetrix? which one's that? OH the one where you have to fit bricks to make a line so that it vanishes? well, something like that lol. i dunno about priorities though, and i dont understand why i get obsessed with things too. rocks and shells? i used to collect them when we lived in a coastal area


are you a fan of Poirot? <3


fibonacci sequence?
well i thought everyone has to learn social things. i don't follow fashion trends but i try to make myself look nice with abit of artistic twist...et voila, everyone then thinks i'm fashion-conscious =]


aspies act? so far you're pointing out that i AM an aspie but it's kinda leik...cheating people isn't it? i mean, people have the illusion that you're this and that....but well, you can't even admit who you're really are cos you don't know!


Right >.<


YES!!
see i'm not that different after all


from what i've heard from people, i'm going to look forward for uni life. which is why i'm going to give my best shot at alevels and aim for really good unis


you mean, they didn't come because of me?
well i'm sure one of them dislikes me, but the problem is the others relied on her cos she was supposed to pick them up for the party. but since she got into trouble with her mom and couldn't come, the others couldn't as well.
well it's more horrible than having a brick in my tummy


i don't really see them as friends, i just see them as 'they're there for me', in other words, my mentors. i imagine them, but i can do it so vividly i can feel them around me. no they're not in my head, they just come around me. sometimes one or two would be absent, depending on the situation (generally it was - err - Audrey who come to me and comfort me etc). it's rather complicated, because they're almost part of me as a shell is part of an egg. each of them is one particular stereotype character e.g. the General is a logical, cold sort of person and rarely have any emotions; so when i get frustrated or angry over something, he comes along and i let him 'take over'.
i know it sounds childish, especially when i'm 17, but i can't bear to part with them >.<


yeah, that's true, i'm very devoted to him but he doesn't realise how important he is to me


alot of people are saying that to me at the mo i don't need a shrink after all.

thanks for talking anyway

from what you've written you do sound quite aspie, espicially with the communication problems and social difficulties. i am similar to you with that - i'm not shy, but often go completely mute, i just cant get any words out - then people mistake it for shyness. and when i do talk it can come across as too formal and stilted.

Do you have any sensory difficulties? Things like hypersensitive hearing or hypersensitivity to touch? not all aspies do but its quite common in AS.

hehe, i still have my imaginary friends and i'm nearly 33 and they also claim i'd be better off if they took control!

anyway, if you do have AS, don't let it get you down. you're still you just take heart that you're not the only person who's been through what you're going through, you aren't alone, even though the aspie life can often get very lonely. it just is particularly hard around your age, since you get a lot of changes (school to college, then college to university) and as 'normal' teens get into their 20s their unwritten social codes get more and more complex and intricate and it gets harder and harder for us aspies to keep up

uh-huh, and i get frustrated when people don't get what i mean, or think i'm really shy and 'one of those geeky quiet type'. i was leik WHAT THE HELL??! !! so sometimes i try to prove myself by being extra hyperactive :S and THEN they say dude, you're always so posh, can just take a chill pill? and i go berserk again and run away from them if i have too much in my head and go ARRRGH in my bedroom or sumthin. well not literally =P

well actually i'm not sure about that. i mean, i hate being cold, i can't stand winter and the only reason why i like autumn is the leaves and my bday lol. i hate warm humid conditions too, which is something i always moan about if we return back to our original home country. sometimes i cant hear very well too, and i wear glasses but will be getting contact lenses soon ^^

yay you have imaginary friends too? i can't imagine without them, but at the same time i can't stand them bickering cos that makes me confused i have 4 mentors, but i believe there's a fifth. he/she'll come soon enough =] i wonder if there's like a club or sumthin with people like me and you lol.

well i'm actually finding it harder than before, gradually and a change's coming to me too. i'm easily depressed, and i think i've gone lazier. i get distracted easily too, but maybe that's because i'm surrounded by people. if i'm alone, then i can be myself. but the weird thing is, when you're alone but you have only one person with you, i always go really really awkward @_@

okay i'm rambling now, i'm off =]