How to be friendly

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I've been thinking about this for a while now and I don't really know if anyone has any answers, but I figured this is a good place to ask... So I have problems with knowing how to let someone know I like them (not romantically). This includes when someone gives me a really good comment on my writing or puts effort into something for me and I'm really impressed, I just struggle with knowing what to say back. You know thank you doesn't seem enough, but if I go further it seems that I overdo it. This is the same for people that I decide I like, rules are that you can't just say you like them and you want to be their friend. It gets even more difficult for people on the net, because you can't even get past it by doing things like inviting them out for coffee. I just get frustrated trying to get the emotion that I feel into words that don't sound clingy or whatever.

Saying all that, does anyone know what I'm talking about and does anyone have any tips?

I can relate. I never know how to reciprocate; usually I leave it up to the other person to do all the work. The question is whether or not they'll stay interested. But if I REALLY like somebody, I'll pursue them too much; I can't keep things in perspective. Again, the question is whether or not they'll stay interested...

I agree that "thank you" doesn't seem to be enough. I try to start conversations based on their comments, etc., but the hardest part for me is knowing when to ask somebody out to coffee or something. I never want to be pushing it, because they I might just push them away...

Let me know if you find any answers. LOL. And good luck!

In person I am completely incapable of being able to tell weather or not someone enjoys spending time with me until they actually go out of their way - several times - to spend time with me.

Same is true for me online. Anyone who keeps in touch with me on WP knows that it takes a good few messages to get me to talk back consistently. I'll reply to a few, then kind of wait to see if I scared them off or not. If they try to strike up a chat again, I'll put more of me out there, see how scared they get. Sometimes they go away, sometimes they stay.

That's the only way I know how to do it

I find it easy to be friendly with pretty much anyone, and I think it is a part of the thing that Aspies struggle with. If someone compliments you, thank them; it's that simple. You can try to start a little conversation, but if you're feeling to shy to do so I think the other person will understand. Just try to keep an open mind - if you really want to get to know someone better, it should be second nature to say hi to them in the hallway or something. If you like someone, I think you'll find that they basically flip-flop the way you normally act, making things easier.

I try to be friendly... and fail miserably with the one friend I have.

We were in the woods and he offered to light a one-hitter for me and I accepted. Then when he went to light it, I instinctively jerked my head back from the lighter without conscious effort. I felt bad, but he believed I was trying to be an as*hole judging by his words after that.

When I talk about things I'm interested in, he remarks that I'm only trying to appear smart, when I'm not. I simply stopped talking about them around him, since he tells me how I ramble on and on about them and gets bored.

He understands me better than anyone else I'm 'close' to(close also means family, some of whom I now know how they really are), and it still isn't that much.

There are other people from the college I graduated who wish to be friends with me, and perhaps I should give them a chance. I'm just too unmotivated to forge new relationships with others at this point and afraid I'll say or do something hurtful without meaning it.

If I can find friends with similar interests, I'll finally be happy for a change. But again, forging these relationships makes me nervous.

actually, though it's not a cure-all or anything, I used to read the manners columns in the paper (Miss Manners, etc) for hints. While they change constantly (not sure Emily Post is the way to go anymore... it shows that everyone has a little anxiety about how to act.

I'm nice as an offensive weapon... if I'm nice to someone, it sort of forces them to be nice to me..probably comes off as obsequious though...

I do know what you mean with knowing if you've crossed the 'acquaintance' to 'friend' line. Generally now that I'm older the only friends I make are through work and I figured out that you can organise a group lunch with a few people, then you can get to know if you get along outside work. From there it kinda has been initiated and people may initiate back if they decide they like you. But the only other way I've done it is when I leave the place I'm working for I organise a drinks night and people come along and you exchange phone number, email address etc, and the ones who are really interested will keep in touch, which for me has been really one person. This girl I managed to be able to have conversations with and she invited me out for coffee and movie, so it made it easier to know that she was interested. Although she's Russian, and interestingly I've always found it's easier to make friends with foreign people.

My problem with initial contact with people or people who do something for me that I need to say thank you to, is generally I either go too far and try to compliment them (even though I actually mean the compliment, it ends up sounding false for some reason) or am too stand-offish and formal. Just saying thank you, I really appreciate it just seems not to convey emotion. The only thing I've discovered is trying to find something to do for them.

Interesting - I've found that too! I think it's because we can discuss cultural differences, and if there is a slight language barrier I can take my time wording things...Yeah, that sounds pathetic, like I should just make friends who don't even speak the same language as I do! LOL

Anyway, I agree that the biggest problem for me is going from acquaintance to friend. When do you cross that line? The idea of a drinks night with coworkers (or whoever) and exchanging phone numbers and email addresses sounds like a good one...

I've always struggled with things like that too. I actually figured out the best social things to invite people to are movies or bowling or any other activity that you can think of that will give you a starting point to talk about something.

With your friend who you're close to, it sounds like he's not interested in the same things as you are (the getting bored thing). Maybe you can find similar interests anyway... or do the movies, bowling, bushwalking thing to give a shared interest.

I've long bemoaned that "making friends" is awfully, painfully close to "dating" for me. Seems like either I "like" them but they don't "like me" back (as in as more than an acquaintance), or vice versa. Many times now, I've thought someone really "liked" me because they invited me over, we hung out, had drinks, chatted, laughed, shared personal stuff...and then one day they just went completely sideways on me and told me how they "really felt" about me.

Always, they'd misinterpreted something (or several) I'd said or didn't say, or I sensed this was somehow coming from their own insecurities, or something. But to find that they'd been gossiping about me behind my back, after CONFIDING in me with their own stuff and I'd kept that confidential...well. Just blew my mind. I guess I still haven't learned that just because it doesn't even occur to me to treat other people in ugly, manipulative ways, doesn't mean they won't do it to me.

That said, I think maybe I (used to?) attract the wrong sort of people. Usually they are (were) alienated or similarly "outsiders" like myself, but I'm sort of intrigued by "complex, intense" and intelligent people with "weird" specialized interests - they interest me so much more than the average NT person, frankly (who bore me to tears or make me extremely uncomfortable). But "interesting" doesn't necessarily mean they're stable, or kind, of not trying to manipulate you.

Honestly, it's so much WORK...I hardly bother anymore. I seldom answer the phone - leave a message and if I want to talk to you I'll call back. I only answer the door for delivery people, postmen, and my neighbor.