Arguement with husband.....is Aspie aware of his tics

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I spent the entire weekend arguing with the hubby to leave the little one alone. That he can't help the fact that he makes noises all the time.

They aren't loud but he grunts (like he's clearing his throat) or hums to himself quite a bit. Hubby gets mad and tells him to stop but the little one ends up getting mad and yelling back saying that he's not doing it.

Granted I'm relatively new to the whole autism dx and feel that I'm patient and understanding that there are many things he can't control and I don't let anything he does get to me.

(Behavior....I've been told by people in public that children shouldn't act that way.....BUTT OUT!! !! He has autism for christ sakes....but that's another story)

So....to ponder the question.....I've been researching and trying to understand as much as possible about my son and his "tics".

Is it possible that he's not aware that he's making these noises and husband should just accept it and ignore it?

Didn't mean to be the first to reply here, and I'm sure others will have different responses but most likely, no, your son either doesn't know he's making these noises, or he does know he's making them but it's involuntary or it's "stimming" behavior and he really can't help it.

Either way, I humbly suggest your husband back off and give the kid a break. If this behavior is upsetting him this much, he's in for a world of frustration, because it's actually one of the least annoying things kids can do that I can think of, potentially.

That said, is your husband diagnosed, too? Just suggesting that he might be particularly sensitive himself to repetitive or loud or simply unwanted noises. Perhaps he could use "white noise" to block out your child's noises, like a small fan, the radio, or an MP3 player with earphones. Or simply move to a place in the house where he can't hear him (if this is safe and the child is still reasonably supervised by someone else, of course).

Good luck.

Hubby just thinks kids are supposed to be seen and not heard I guess. It drives me nuts. I exploded at him last night after I put the kiddo to bed.

I told him if he refuses to go to the doc with me to understand that the kid can't help a lot of what he does he should be parenting him so much.

I have the idea of correcting what I know he can control not what he can't. He just wants to yell at him to shut up.

I've had it. I basically told him to butt out!

When I was young I used to do the same.....and even now at 46 I find myself making involuntary noises sometimes. And that is exactly what they are 'involuntary'. Drawing attention to what he's doing is only going to make him upset and in turn makes the noises more frequent. Even though you have done research, how much information has your husband read.
My youngest son (10) was diagnosed with Aspergers two years ago and I have an adult son of 26 that I believe to be either high functioning autism or Aspergers.....My youngest will occasionally make noises, but he is into walking in circles or pacing. One thing you need to understand about the publics perception.......since those with Aspergers are in some ways disabled they do LOOK normal and the public believes they should act that way also. Just misinformation on their part.
A book I found very helpful is "A Parent's Guide to Asperger Syndrome & High-Functioning Autism". I hope this has helped you in some way.

makes sense.

Hubby won't do anything. It makes me crazy. I've suggested him reading about it, going to the doc with me, anything besides yelling at the kiddo. Nothing....

He knows he has ADD which he has always expressed that those things can be controlled...whatever.....

but....I know that he can't help it. I ignore it. When we do go in public I've noticed that people are a lot more likely (and they do) comment on his behavior more than they should (it's become more noticable the past few months) I've told them that he's special needs, Or mind their own business, or ignore them.....

It's hard to address it in public. what's the appropriate thing to say? I'm to the point of being frustrated (not with the kiddo.....I could never be that way with him....he's my life) but the hubby is driving me to the point of me wanting to stop short of punching him in the face.

Seriously.....

How can you make someone understand a problem when they fail to see one?

I'd imagine that he either doesn't know he's making them (especially the humming), or that he's aware he's making them but unable to do anything about it.

I've experienced both.

When I started ticcing (which is different than noises and movements a person doesn't notice -- generally a person does notice their own tics, but doesn't necessarily know what they are), I was horribly ashamed of myself, especially because people treated me badly for them. This shame nearly destroyed me at certain points of my life, especially since no matter what I tried, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew about psychoanalytic theory (because of my brother telling me about it) and I thought that my subconscious made me do it, and tried to "fight my subconscious" but never "won", and decided I was weak and had poor moral character. It's vital for him to not enter that cycle. It's horrible. This shame and this whole cycle of believing I could control it (combined with shame about shutdown, meltdowns, comprehension issues, and other aspects of both autism and tics) literally almost caused me to kill myself at one point (actually, really long point) in my life. It caused me to look for explanations that really didn't fit, to hate myself in a way I feel horrible even remembering... he doesn't need that, nobody needs that.

I don't know about in public.

I do know that since I was little, I heard people ask my mom, "What's wrong with her?" Sometimes I knew why. Usually I didn't.

My mom's unvarying response (I had no diagnosis) was "Nothing is wrong with her." Sometimes she would add, "She just does things her own way."

I also think it's important to be open about these things around a child. The same way you would be open about the child being left-handed (I'm left-handed, and so are my mother and brother). Neither shying away from it nor making a big fuss about it, because either of those can make a person think there's something very wrong with them. Just casually noticing the fact in their presence, in context, like you would with left-handedness, and explaining what it means in a neutral fashion. My mom also discussed for instance, that in other places and times people would force left-handed people to be right-handed, and that this really messed people up. And things like that. But she never made it seem like there was something terribly wrong with us. (In a left-hander-majority household, it helped that just about everything in the house was left-handed, too.)

Because if you're not open about it... he'll know. And he'll think there's something terribly wrong, and start coming up with his own explanations long before he can even articulate what's going on, and most of those explanations that we come up with, are far worse than the reality, and can cause problems for us for life. (Even now that I know what is really up with me, my actions based on what I used to think still sometimes follow me into adulthood.)

I want to be open with him but I'm kinda at odds on how to. Just sit down and tell him he has Asperger's and the things he does is normal.

he already knows he has ADD and will explain it to people if they ask about it. Autism is a big step from the ADD explaination. I don't want him to feel like he's different in the fact of people shunning him.

He's always known that he's smarter than other kids his age and he'd rather talk to adults than kids.

This may sound harsh to some but it's true so here it goes.
My now "future-ex-husband-to-be" was unwilling to be kind to our 6 year old autistic daughter also, who is the epitome of unadulterated JOY to be around. She deserves better than that. Henceforth, my divorce will be forthcoming as soon as I get around to the paperwork. And I must say, both my daughter and myself are MUCH happier. I'm not suggesting the same outcome for you by any means, just relating MY personal experience w/ the issue and how it worked out for us. Good Luck!

I've been thinking about that myself. I just don't have the energy to stress about it anymore. We've never fought or argued much. his stubborness to accept or realise anything is driving me nuts.


I'll say something to him and he won't respond to it. Almost like he's ignoring me

Maybe he's having trouble coming to terms w/ the thought that his son isn't the person he thought he would be, ya know?
My future-ex was embarrassed by our daughter and wanted her to be "normal" and did not like that fact that she wasn't. I, however felt that it was detrimental for her to grow up in an atmosphere where his emotional shortcomings towards her were exemplified in a negative way. Call me a "control freak" if you will but at least we're happy now.

I don't know what his deal is anymore. All I know is our child doesn't (and won't) show dad any affection. I can't say that I blame him too much but I know that he picks up on Dad not being supportive of him.

Maybe you could remind your husband that your son is going to face enough negativity and isolation out in the real world, and that his home and family should be the one place where that isn't occurring also. Where he can be loved and accepted, just the way he is.
I don't know, don't listen to me, I'm getting a divorce, so that gives you a clue to how well I manage to "work out my own problems" doesn't it.

I've been divorced before. I know where you're coming from. I filed for divorce from bio-dad while I was pregnant because he was terrible. I couldn't take it and it wasn't fair for me to bring a baby into it. (He started cheating on me when I was 5 months pregnant....then decided that he didn't want us to have a baby because his girlfriend was pregnant too.....go figure)


He denied our child and basically said I don't want him. After hubby and I dated and married the bio dad suggested adoption to us. That way he wouldn't be tied to kiddo anymore. Seemed to work out for everyone at the time.

Now I wonder if hubby resents that something is wrong with kiddo and he's not his bio child. We can't have any of our own anyway. Not that we wanted any more, I had to have surgery.

I have tried to explain that he's in his own little world sometimes and it's hard for him because he knows that he doesn't fit in.

a strange question for you and maybe not relevant, but is it possible that your son have rhinitus?

my grandfather always picked on me for my 'nervous cough' and throat clearing noise (which may have been annoying but turned out to be allergy driven.

auttie or not, you can treat allergies (to some extent).

oh, i do hope that you find some domestic peace one way or another.

To whatever's husband: If the noises are repetitious, you can try coming up with a way to ask for them to change (I ask my daughter to "change the channel"). A noise will be made, though - you'll need to find some way to live with that. Several suggestions have already been made...

Reika, I think you found the only resolution your situation permitted. If any member of our triad had had a problem with our little 'Gana, he or she would have been asked (forcefully, if necessary) to leave. Fortunately, J and H both love our little girl, and I (being aspie, and thus in communication with both worlds) get to translate for her, and help her strike her own happy medium.

Keep up the good work, mom. Your son will likely learn to control these behaviors as time passes. I did, mostly. When I was little, among other things, I used to burst out singing in public from time to time (very bad singing).