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Radish when he was two months old.

Careful! I see what you're holding!

It’s weird how his leg grew out the top of his hair like that.

I only just got what you meant!

I thought so too, so I severed them.

^ I'm not impressed with your cosmetic + major surgery! I'll be contacting you via my lawyers.

Dear DHL driver,

You have been stuck at stop number 95 for hours.

Are you having a wank?

Dear Hermes driver,
According to Amazon tracking, you delivered my book ten days ago. It still hasn't arrived. Are you sitting in your van outside somewhere reading the book cover to cover?

Dear Evri Driver,

You have a message from an angry vegetable that didn't reach you because of your stupid name change.

^ My order still comes up as Hermes on Amazon tracking. Previous experience has taught me that Hermes and Yodel are crap and tend to deliver to the wrong address or even toss my parcel into a hedge fifty yards from my house, only to be discovered a few weeks later very wet. I once followed Yodel delivery driver on my computer and the number of deliveries before mine dropped down slowly until. "Your parcel has been delivered" ... erm no. I'm looking out of the window waiting form him. The dozy sod had pushed my package through a random stranger's letter box more than a mile away! I only got it because the woman who lived there went to the trouble of driving to my house to bring it to me.

^ Just been contacted by the supplier. Hermes / Evri acknowledge they have lost my parcel and have no idea where it is. Refund has been issued. Pain in the aris as the book is out of publication and 2nd hand copies are very rare and very expensive. (£40)

Ouch. Just looked on Amazon and there is only one second hand paperback copy left in existence: Buy used £167.52

Combine with one of those five, otherwise you wouldn't stand a chance

They are dicks. They've been losing a lot of parcels lately. I've been waiting for a delivery for weeks, and the supplier refunded it and marked it as lost.

Some 'lost' parcels have found their way to customers weeks later. I hope that will be the case for you.

I am going in to campus today for my shift. It is really snowy.

Listening to the radio.

Thanks. I hope it turns up as I can't afford to spend that ridiculous amount of money on a 2nd hand paperback. It's not like its a collectors item or anything. Just a regular non-fiction book from the 1990's.

I did strike lucky once with a leather jacket that Hermes lost and I got a refund for, only for it to be delivered a few days later. Hermes are a clueless lot, I guess that's why they've changed their name to Evri, hoping people will not associate them with the bad reputation of their old name.