Concerned about aspie stepfather to my children...

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@Courtnado
It sounds like your husband never really integrated with your kids from your past marriage. As one of the biggest defining features of AS tends to be a lack of understanding of other people, I would wager he had a hard if not impossible time understanding your children from your previous marriage (Whether hes aware of this deficit or not). As such, your youngest daughter is hardly likely to have known why she wasn't being accepted by him.

Whereas with your son, it'd be easier for your husband to understand because he's his own child, and was there from the time he was born, with no other history for him to misunderstand/"Not Get". I could see how that would easily cause your youngest daughter distress, as you mention.

After that, I agree with Gbollard's post:
A: Its not only your fault. Im sure you played a role, but the primary issue here was his ASD, and how it affected the (Would-be) Relationship between him and your daughter(s), and his lack of an ability to deal with it. Its up to the person with AS to learn how to deal with it, not the world at large......

B: He probably has feelings about your daughters as a result of his lack of an ability to interact with them peacably, and as such would feel different about them then they would his son.

@Fantastic
Interesting name, with an interesting creation date, lol.

After that, I agree with many of the sentiments that have already been given here. Though I disagree that you will have to, or even should attempt, to interfere with your ex-wife husband's AS, unless either A: She asks it of you (And this won't end well for their marriage_), or B: You find evidence of criminal wrong-doing on his part that she seems to be ignoring, particularly if it invovles the kids (I find this to be unlikely to occur, but with anyone we care about, safety first....). The only way that I would recommend dealing with "Your wife's relationship", would be as you already mentioned 'dealing with matters of the childrens well being". By this I recommend, focusing on the kids, and what they tell you about *THEIR* interactions with him. If they're having a problem with him, try to help them sort it out, and this is where a knowledge of AS will come in useful. Help them learn about AS, if they have the interest. Your ex's issues are her own, and if you try to interfere with that, through the kids or not, I promise you will create problems. Having lived through a Divorce and shared Visitation, and later finding out about AS, I feel pretty confident in saying that.

Your kids and their step-father, as others have already pointed out, are already dealing with a new addition, and all the problems that come from that. ANY step father has issues when trying to get to know, deal with, establish themselves with surrogate children. The issue, as I kind of went into for Courtnado, is that AS only makes that more difficult (This is greatly dependent on the person afflicted with it and their ability to accept their "Deficits" in the areas of social interactions *Disclaimer: I use "Deficit" here merely to convey how many NTs would/will see the situation*). AS has many redeeming qualities, but an ease of understanding those around them, particularly more recently acquainted people, is not one of those. I will be surprised if your kids report him as being easy to get along with, at least outside of any possibly shared interests...

There are things your kids will probably have to learn about AS if they want to have a working relationship with their stepdad, in addition to learning about him. But if I was you I wouldn't press their "understanding of him" too much. Im a very strong believer in personal responsibility in situations like this, and I am of the opinion that, in a situation like this, the onus is on the individual with AS to overcome their own problems, but he won't be able to do that if your kids close themselves to the at least bare minimum understanding that they will need to realize that he's going to have issues to overcome (By this Im suggesting that if you can prep them to be receptive to his attempts, as a person thats going to be sharing parts of their lives, this will work out alot better in the end for all involved, then if they get no counsel, are left to figure it out on their own, or otherwise told or allowed to believe that hes "Just broken" and not worth the time or effort to try to get to know). Alot of people might view this as a lot to ask of any kid, particularly when they're not related by blood to the person, but I rather don't think so (I also happen to believe that too many people treat children as toys, rather then the young *people* that they are). It will be, at best, a wonderful learning opportunity for them (Fraught with the full gamut of emotions that come with such things as well). At worst, it could be a nightmare excursion into all the problems that come with a dysfunctional family.....

All of that said, alot will be dependent on him and your Ex-wife as well. If their relationship falls apart, I highly doubt the kids are going to be happy no matter what. If he decides he can't along with them, then hes surrendering to his AS and may the results of his decision be upon his head, and again Im sure your children won't be very happy. This is an issue that is, and will continue to be, complicated, and require alot of care to handle judiciously. I wish you well, and advise just using your best judgement, and finally encourage you to try to help the kids in their best interests not yours (Have to say this).

Good Luck, Both of you,
Aldran

He's probably an example of HIGH empathy Aspies. There's nothing WRONG with him, as far as I can see, as long as he's not beating anyone up (very unlikely he would beat someone up) I have a dad who's Asperger's and there's nothing really wrong with him, he's just very childlike and nerdy (possibly gay, actually, but not all Aspies are going to be gay, I'm just saying MY dad seems gay) He's a good dad though, honestly, but he DOES have trouble understanding certain situations. I'd have to say my dad's lower functioning Asperger's than I am so things that confuze him don't confuze me. He's not a bad dad though, this dude's probably like my dad (only not gay) so you shouldn't worry.