Please give me your opinion? Thanks!

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dietcokeaddict
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26 Dec 2007, 12:40 pm

I'm a little bit crazy about a guy who I wonder/think might have Asperger's. We are both 40 and divorced -- met online last summer. He contacted me, seemingly confident, but it was odd that the first time we were to meet, for a drink at a restaurant/bar, he emailed me that he'd taken the next day off just in case we "hit it off" to show me around the town (I'd just moved there). I thought that was odd.

Though he was super-bright, smart, funny, and seemingly crazy about me which he didn't hesitate to put into words (maybe a little over the top but I thought, gee, how refreshing!), I was not sure I was interested in being more than friends and was also interested in someone else at the time.

He grew on me. He started calling me twice a day and we'd talk for 2 hours a night. Again, a little unusual, but I was still actually living in another city, so we couldn't see each other. He continued to grow on me, as he seemed very direct about his interest, and we could talk about anything. After about one month and 5 dates (we never even kissed as I wasn't sure I wanted to go there) which went well, he called me one day and said that he was "falling for me," that he needed to know how emotionally invested he should let himself be. He actually said "I tried really hard not to, but I've gotten emotionally attached to you." I didn't respond well, ended up talking about how he was a dog person and I was a cat person, and how nobody could ever tell anybody how emotionally involved to be, etc. He took this as a rejection, it seemed, and from that moment, I fell from my pedestal, a curtain went down, and he basically set out to break our connection, stopped calling, etc. I tried to keep things going but eventually there was no contact.

Four months later, I was feeling warmly towards him one day and I sent an email just saying I hoped he was well, that I'd been thinking of him. He responded that he'd been thinking about me too, had missed me, and suggested that "we could try to reconnect," and we did. I was passing through his town on the way to visit another friend, and he invited me over for dinner. He made me a lovely dinner, we kissed for the first time and it was great. But he was soooo guarded. He also seemed to think in his head that we were going to sleep together that night.... which was weird that he'd have thought that. During dinner, he made a little speech about how he'd been a "train wreck" last summer, and now was ready for a relationship and wanted to try. I expressed my feelings that it might be tough for things to flow as easily or naturally as they had the previous summer, but that I too was willing to try.

I spent the night but we did not have sex. He absolutely prefers women to be aggressors physically, incidentally. Which I am not used to, plus I don't have sex with people until I think they're going to be around for a while. He said he was so glad I'd emailed him and that he felt like the luckiest guy on earth to be with me again and many, many more flattering remarks. He was sexually aroused but did not try to persuade me the way most guys would if you were in bed with them, even if you had said you weren't ready.

The next day he had to work and he wanted for some reason to have me sleep in and let myself out after he'd gone to work but I got up early and said I needed to get going.

I left my nightgown there and that night he emailed me saying "I'm wearing your nightgown" and thanked me for a great evening.

Since then -- no phone calls, just many emails affirming how "he can't wait to see me again" and how "enamored" he is of me, etc. etc. But the invitation I extended to him, to make dinner for him in my town, he turned down, and has not called me to just say hi, or anything. At one point I emailed him and sort of said, to paraphrase, "gee, this seems sort of like what happened last summer at the end -- you say you're super interested but don't really seem willing to get together" etc. and he wrote back that I was totally mistaken, things were cool, he "thought about me all the time" etc.

Still after two weeks, there has been nothing but email and no mention of getting together, no phone contact...

I am not stupid and generally do operate by the "he's just not that into you" school of thought. It's just that in this case, based on all our interactions, and my observations, I actually do think he is really into me, but that there is something fundamentally askew in his ability to interact socially with me.

I know this is horribly long and I am so sorry. But I am so fond of this guy, really dont' want to walk away just yet.
Does this sound Asperger's at all?

I'd be ever so grateful for any opinions.



SapphoWoman
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26 Dec 2007, 1:38 pm

I have no idea if he has Asperger's or not.

Here is what I'm thinking. There are two possibilities:
1) He was really hurt by something you said/did/did not do.
2) He is interested in someone else.

I think you should call him and be very honest and say, "Can we talk about what happened? I thought you were into me."

You can even ask him if you offended him in some way, or if he has met someone else. Good luck!



mightyzebra
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26 Dec 2007, 1:57 pm

Personally I think this guy sounds pretty Aspergers, doing some things that most people wouldn't do. Maybe you should try and text or e-mail him yourself, asking if you could get together. I hope that works out.

Regards, mightyzebra :)


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dietcokeaddict
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26 Dec 2007, 2:21 pm

Thanks, Sappho and Zebra --

I'm pretty sure he isn't interested in anyone else but it's always possible, I guess..

Z, I did invite him to dinner at my house but he came up with a work-related excuse.

A couple of other things: he seems to not "get" teasing/humor at times.

He uses formal language at times that is weird "hope this finds you and yours well" at the end of an email talking about how he couldn't wait to see me; "I'm terribly bright, you know" which he is but the phrasing sounded sort of British-esque.

He's got myriad physical ailments that he seems to dwell on -- digestive stuff mostly.

At any rate -- I feel like I have done all I can -- I told him when we reconnected that if he just wanted to be friends, I'd be up for that, I have made my interest in him very explicit with words and not played any games whatsoever. I just told him out and out that I really liked him and liked his company, and that I really hoped we could give this another try.

He seems to want to stay connected, but not pull the trigger on a relationship. I love his mind so much, and I feel very protective of him in some weird way. But we're adults, and he knows what he has to do if he wants me to hang around, and I don't want to pressure him by nagging about "so, if you like me so much, when are we going to get together?" He already knows I want to get together, so I think I'm just gonna have to see what he does.

It hurts and is so disappointing, though...! I really had high hopes when he said that thing about feeling he was ready to have a relationship now.



Zsazsa
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26 Dec 2007, 3:09 pm

Sounds like a "normal" guy to me...when things don't work out as one expects them. I have dated guys with similiar behaviors
and simply find it is time to move on.

Men are like buses...if you miss one, don't fret. Another one will come along soon.



SapphoWoman
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26 Dec 2007, 3:15 pm

Zsazsa wrote:
Men are like buses...if you miss one, don't fret. Another one will come along soon.

:lol:
Or... men are like buses... don't even get on!



gbollard
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26 Dec 2007, 3:49 pm

Quote:
Since then -- no phone calls, just many emails affirming how "he can't wait to see me again" and how "enamored" he is of me, etc. etc. But the invitation I extended to him, to make dinner for him in my town, he turned down, and has not called me to just say hi, or anything. At one point I emailed him and sort of said, to paraphrase, "gee, this seems sort of like what happened last summer at the end -- you say you're super interested but don't really seem willing to get together" etc. and he wrote back that I was totally mistaken, things were cool, he "thought about me all the time" etc.

Still after two weeks, there has been nothing but email and no mention of getting together, no phone contact...


These two paragraphs say a lot.

1. He hates using the phone
2. He's uncomfortable/Scared outside of his own environment.

It might be aspergers, or it might not - I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. Either way, if you're interested, you'll probably have to make a move in his direction.

Once you have his attention talk or even better write some rules about how the relationship needs to go... eg: "I want one phone call every Sunday at 4pm" - yes, you may need to be that specific.

Tell him how his actions make you feel and explain to him what he should be doing that he isn't - men, and particularly aspies are very thick when it comes to relationships.



Julie1948
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26 Dec 2007, 5:49 pm

My 35 year old son has Aspergers and he has "phone phobia". He can't initiate a telephone call at all. He will answer the phone (when he manages to find it, he's usually misplaced it!) He can't talk about his emotions, but can express himself in letters and emails (which is his preferred method of correspondence).

Good luck.



dietcokeaddict
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26 Dec 2007, 7:10 pm

Thanks, Zsa, Gavin, and Julie...!



dietcokeaddict
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26 Dec 2007, 7:18 pm

PS I just read the post about attire -- and remembered another thing -- this guy I'm crazy about, at 41, hates to....shower. ????! !!

Now I've never heard of that before. In the summer I remember once he said something to me like "I shower. When I HAVE to." I thought it was just a joke. But he often did look like an unmade bed. And I'm not the type to require bandbox crisp or metrosexual hipness in dress. When I say unmade bed, I mean I am sure he'd picked up the clothes off the floor and that further, they'd been lying there and walked on for some weeks.


This time, the night I went to his house for dinner, he actually said to me, "I even took a shower." And he was not kidding.

I find that extremely odd for a grown adult to profess hatred of showers and hate to take them. I've never EVER known a guy like that.



kitschinator
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26 Dec 2007, 7:20 pm

Eccentricity in dress and habits is fine, but....

I will not date someone who doesn't take showers.

No, no, no, GROSS!

Good luck to you, madam. :(