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Pugly
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27 Dec 2007, 3:38 am

Anyone else feel this way when trying to find someone?

As I gain social skill, and ability to talk with women and interact in a positive way I'm starting to think that part of my problem is that I am just a tad too different from normal. Not in a bad way, anti-social way... but my ability to connect with another person severely limits the type of girl I would even want to talk to much less want to go out on a date with. I can be as confident as I want to be, but in the end... I'm not going to make a connection... because I communicate and think so much differently than 'normal'.

My thought patters, what I'm into... the way I'm into it... it just doesn't register with many other kinds of people out there.

Loneliness can make me think I would like to be with a girl, any girl that seems nice... since I like a lot of different people and am easy going. But when I really think about it, the type of girl that I really like... is very rare.

I would never want to be with someone who doesn't understand me... but that's the feeling I get when I talk with a most women. So I just kind of give up and go into my own little world, but in order to get better at social skills and overcoming my social phobia I need to talk with more women.

I'm like this with most things: music, food, movies... now I guess put women on this list... my tastes is so particular... that I'm finding it near impossible to find someone who really understands. And whenever I do find someone, it never works out...

Gah, this is just a little rant I guess... but I think this might be common. It's to the point where I don't lack social skills or ability to talk to women (well that's not true, but I'm improving) but that isn't my big issue... it's an inability to find anyone that I really can have a connection with.


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Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


gwenevyn
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27 Dec 2007, 4:03 am

I was just thinking about something very similar. I feel like your situation is shared by many guys here. There are so many awesome, unique people on WP who have difficulty encountering people (friends or romantic interests) who are the right type for them. I don't have any answers. My spidey sense says that they're out there, probably all around you, but how does one figure out which ones they are?


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Pugly
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27 Dec 2007, 4:33 am

gwenevyn wrote:
I don't have any answers. My spidey sense says that they're out there, probably all around you, but how does one figure out which ones they are?


Oh I know they are, I've met a couple...

Spotting someone you can connect with is difficult... since it goes to the core of their brain. But personal style and mannerisms seem a decent indicator, and just communicating is a good way too. But it's still difficult to find the interesting ones out there. Of all the women I talk to, I get a good connection on about 1 out of 1000 of them... maybe. I'm just not that interested in 99.5% of the girls out there... and of this small percentage it's rare that the situation comes up that we can talk with each other to the deeper level that I'd like to.

No wonder I get so obsessed over someone that comes along who gets me really interested, and that we know each other long enough to develop a good understanding of each other... it's the only natural way of doing it. It's like finding that one great song out of countless others that really gets to you. After listening to song after song after song that's just 'okay'... you listen to one song that grabs you... it's overwhelming.... and you want to listen to it over and over again.


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Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


SleepyDragon
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27 Dec 2007, 5:15 am

From Without Embarrassment, under the rubric of "Always Have Your Antenna Out":

Quote:
As a review, just remember to stay focused on the process of flirting and kidding around with women, and release yourself from worrying about what the outcome should be. If you come to view the opportunity to flirt as a fun thing to do for its own sake, instead of choking on the pressure of trying to score with her, you'll at least be able to function.

The guy loves his italics more than is strictly decent, but he makes some good points. :)



Pugly
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27 Dec 2007, 5:24 am

SleepyDragon wrote:
From Without Embarrassment, under the rubric of "Always Have Your Antenna Out":

Quote:
As a review, just remember to stay focused on the process of flirting and kidding around with women, and release yourself from worrying about what the outcome should be. If you come to view the opportunity to flirt as a fun thing to do for its own sake, instead of choking on the pressure of trying to score with her, you'll at least be able to function.

The guy loves his italics more than is strictly decent, but he makes some good points. :)


I've learned to find a bit of fun, in talking with women. Not exactly flirting, but joking and being casual. Trying to make someone laugh with something clever that I say... and getting the positive reaction... it's quite fun actually. Or saying something unexpected, if I think of something slightly off the cuff about a girl, yet still funny... I don't hold back... I still say it.

But my 'way' my humor and style tends to be a tad strange, and it doesn't always connect with girls... heck it doesn't always connect with guys either.

I'm fine with that, I'm not going to be down about no one understanding me. It's okay, I'm not desperate for someone to like me.

The whole issue is just a realization that my problems aren't always because of a lack of confidence and social phobia. Even when I'm confident and getting a good banter with a girl... I'm still a difficult guy to get. I'm learning that I don't have to work so hard for people to 'get' me... since it isn't going to happen all the time.


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


autisticstar
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27 Dec 2007, 11:19 am

I know exactly what you're talking about. I have dated and been in a few relationships but the relationships I was in were with people who I was not compatible with but were based on the fact that I was lonely and there was at least somewhat of a mutual attraction. I have some good friends that accept me for who I am but I have never been able to find a relationship with a man in which I felt like I had a connection and we understood each other. Sometimes I do feel like I am "too unique" and have sort of resigned myself to the possibility that there may not be a "Mr. Right" out there for me. I can say from experience that in many respects being in a bad relationship is worse than not being in a relationship at all. I just can't seem to fit the mold of what most men are looking for. I wish I knew what to tell you. It feels like there is a very small percentage of the male population that could relate to someone like me on both a spiritual and intellectual level. The fact that I'm 37 makes it even worse because most men who are in a realistic age range for me to date are married, divorced with kids and saddled with huge child support payments, severely disabled, drug addicts, alchoholics, etc. This is referring to men in the general population. When it comes to men who have AS or HFA most of them who are diagnosed and aware of it tend to be much younger men. I have attended some AS support groups and social functions for people on the autism spectrum but didn't meet anyone who was both in a reasonable age range and who I had a connection with.

So, yes, again I can definitely relate to being "too unique". What has helped me has been to keep myself occupied with different activities and enjoying time with friends. There were times when I was in a relationship that I was miserable in my life so at least I know that happiness isn't contingent upon finding a romantic relationship. Developing social skills can make some things such as interaction in the workplace go more smoothly but it is still difficult to make connections with people, particularly romantic, when one has different thought processes and different ways of looking at the world. Common interests are very helpful but common interests alone aren't enough to make a relationship work out between two people. I spend time pursuing things that interest me but I don't always make connections with people when I do. But at least it keeps me from sitting in the house and feeling sorry for myself. Once I had a roommate in college who said something very interesting to me. I was crying because I was lonely and just couldn't find anyone I could relate to. My roommate said that I was an evolved being. She also said that it was like being toward the top of a pyramid with the vast majority of people being at the base and the higher you go the fewer people there are. I don't think being different makes me superior; rather it is just hard to make connections with others because I have very different perceptions than other people do.



CWhite978
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27 Dec 2007, 1:38 pm

Quote:
My roommate said that I was an evolved being.

I've thought similar things about myself, but as you say this my mind immediately questions, "But is evolution true beyond a doubt?"

Ah. What strangeness this is.

I seem to have the traits that you would think people would be looking for in a romantic partner, such as emotional sensitivity, heaps of empathy, and interesting ideas, but there always seems to be something wrong. It's difficult when my emotions are so dark yet I know other people don't really want to hear about it. It's completely absurd, really.

I try to focus on music. It's the only thing that really makes sense to me.

-Colin



sort30030
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27 Dec 2007, 6:16 pm

I feel the same way as you about having too unique a taste in many things.
As for relationships, I don't really have an answer. For me, it is too hard to find someone that I might never find anyone who understands if someone like that exists. You should try going into more relationships and give other people the time to figure you out. This might go against the kind of person you are, but I would suggest not being totally yourself at the beginning of meeting women. Some traits just are not attractive to most women and displaying this too early may push them away and not give them a chance to see other good qualities in you.

Also, are your expectations theoretically possible? Can you actually picture a women who understands you?
If so, you might never find someone who is right for you. That's harsh but what I truly believe.



Pugly
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27 Dec 2007, 7:02 pm

sort30030 wrote:
I feel the same way as you about having too unique a taste in many things.
As for relationships, I don't really have an answer. For me, it is too hard to find someone that I might never find anyone who understands if someone like that exists. You should try going into more relationships and give other people the time to figure you out. This might go against the kind of person you are, but I would suggest not being totally yourself at the beginning of meeting women. Some traits just are not attractive to most women and displaying this too early may push them away and not give them a chance to see other good qualities in you.

Also, are your expectations theoretically possible? Can you actually picture a women who understands you?
If so, you might never find someone who is right for you. That's harsh but what I truly believe.


I don't think I act too strangely, at least not enough to put off all women. I do limit myself, I don't go on long winded conversations about things that are interesting to me. In initially talking with people I focus myself on them and our surroundings.

I don't know if everything I'm looking for exists, but I have felt the connection I wanted with a couple of women. It's not a matter of physical attractiveness at all, it's about how we go together mentally. Physically my standards are different and to an extent nonexistent, that it really doesn't matter to me.

I look for a spark, a creativity, a desire not to follow trends, to have a sense of self that's not related to who she's with or where she is. To find someone that we can say, Yes... we get each other. In my thinking ways, it's easy for me to understand another person's emotions and thoughts... but it takes effort. I fool myself into thinking I could be with many sorts of women, but very few get me really interested. I can pursue them if I wanted... but I don't really want them.

I can be attracted to someone physically... I can work the social game and flirt and whatever... but in the end it's really pointless... she becomes interested in me... but really doesn't understand anything about me. And I'm not really into her that much, since she doesn't really understand me. I suppose I could continue and try to be with her more seriously, but if we never really get each other... it'd just be a waste... only fulfilling each others emotional and physical needs and nothing more.

Which I guess begs the question, is there something more?


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


sort30030
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27 Dec 2007, 7:32 pm

I think you're saying you want to find someone who right away connects with you and understands you. That is very rare or nonexistent. I would be fine with someone who makes an effort to try and understand me and accept what they cannot if initially they don't understand me at all. If that's what you're looking for, it's going to be hard but good luck.



Pugly
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27 Dec 2007, 7:41 pm

sort30030 wrote:
I think you're saying you want to find someone who right away connects with you and understands you. That is very rare or nonexistent. I would be fine with someone who makes an effort to try and understand me and accept what they cannot if initially they don't understand me at all. If that's what you're looking for, it's going to be hard but good luck.


Yeah, that's basically it. It's more than just what I'm looking for, it's what I need to see in order to take the chance.


_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.


sort30030
Deinonychus
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27 Dec 2007, 8:13 pm

That's even worse. I find it hard to tell if someone understands a part of me. They might but not show it.
I suggest you take the chance anyways. Maybe your expectations will change will experience.



gbeagle
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27 Dec 2007, 9:14 pm

My own personal experiences are very similar to those in the op. I just don't really find that many women that I connect with on a mental level. For me at least the mental connection was not instantaneous, but was apparent fairly quickly. Its probably not typical, but that mental connection is what most strongly attracts me to someone. I had girls attracted to me, but lacking this mental connection there was little to no attraction on my part. My one relationship were this connection was lacking just did not work (makes sense though - mutual attraction is a necessary prerequisite for a successful relationship).

One thing that might be helpful to the op from my personal experience is that many of the women that I connected with on a mental level I found in unexpected places. Some were even people who at first glance I would never have thought I would connect with. Best advice I can give is to keep your head up and looking, and to not dismiss people at first glance because you doubt there would be a connection there.



Topher
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27 Dec 2007, 10:10 pm

I understand how you feel mate. personally im going through the stage where I will take anyones whos actually interested in me.



MisterHeron
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27 Dec 2007, 11:32 pm

I understand your point quite a bit. Being as unique as I am, it's so hard to find somebody even remotely similar. It's as if I'm one in a trillion personality wise. I'm more interested than anything in just having somebody that can understand me, and who I can be close to, physically and emotionally. Beyond that, just being a decent human being is all I need out of somebody. Looks matter some, but not so much. There is still a threshold limit for me. I'm not about to deny that.

Women are a sort of enigma for me. I can understand the individual rather well, but trying to get a grip for patterns in behavior and type of person, and understanding this, it can be frustrating. I've always been rather quick to point out motives in people's reasoning.