The Funniest Thing a Shrink Ever Said to You

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I think the most hilarious thing a shrink ever uttered into my ears was when upon my suggesting to her that perhaps I had Asperger's she said - *no you don't. you don't talk funny. People with Asperger's Syndrome speak slow and deliberately. You don't*

I see.
Thanks, Miss Shrink!

That's right up there in my Top 10.

Well, the ONLY thing I ever heard PERSONALLY about me that a shrink apparently said, was that I was interested in girls. I guess he said that because I said most of his inkblots looked like indian squaws. HEY, they DID have bumps in front(suggesting breasts), and a point on top(suggesting a feather), and other features(suggesting a person).

Out of our LONG talks, many tests, etc..., when we had when I was 6, although he WAS looking for social problems, that seemed to be the one thing that stood out.

That was before AS or autism though. But YOURS, jjstar, just about takes the cake! And she makes MONEY doing that!?!? Oh well, I never viewed psychiatric degrees as being very meaningful.

Most people with AS will talk funny to some extent; slow and deliberate is just one way that it manifests (so she was wrong).

'Daniel, you don't plan out the methods that you wish to kill people, a specific way for example?'

'Shooting them is pretty specific.' I replied.

O the retrospective humor.

Upon concluding that I have NLD (and suck at socializing) according to my test score she says,

"You'll never be President".

Well gee, what a great loss for me there... considering I'm a highly introverted, anti-consumerist who'd rather break my own toes with a brick than sell my soul to American corporate plutocracy.

I once got asked of my more OCD-ish tendencies "What will happen if you don't find a car numberplate which fits the pattern you're looking for?"

What did he expect me to say? "But I must find the magic number plate or the WORLD WILL END." For goodness' sake!

i used to go to a shrink a few years ago. I only went Once. She just kept saying how do you feel about that. it drove me crazy..
Also i phoned childline before now and she asked what my name was so i made up a fake name. she then kept saying how they needed it for detail purpoises. she was reallllllli weird.

I had one tell me I couldn't have Aspergers because I have a job and kids. So, um...yeah...

Sometimes I asked my therapist personal questions like, "how was your childhood?" and "what do you do for fun?".. she would try to counter with "We probably shouldn't get off-topic here".

I was able to pry a few answers out of her anyway. She's a Red Sox fan and used to have anger problems as a child.

Also there were times where I wasn't in the mood to discuss my feelings, so I would spout out some of my oddball theories, such as thoughts on an imbalance between technological and social evolution of humanity. I could tell it was starting to annoy my therapist when she suggested we end the sessions unless I'm ready to approach important issues.

When I was 12 I was diagnosed with IBS, back in the late 70's IBS was basically classified by alot of Dr's as being "in your head"...you walked out of the office after they tested you to death with a prescription for valium in your hand and a referral to a shrink. Anyone that's ever suffered from IBS knows...it's not funny, and it's very embarrassing at times.

I went from the "why do you think you are having this problem?", "are you abused?" to the "I think you are depressed and aren't aware of it". After 2 years of this at the age 14 I came to one conclusion...my shrinks needed their own shrinks.

Some of the better conversations:
Them: "If you don't eat salad you won't have this problem"
Me: "I don't EAT salads."
Them: "Oh yes, I'm SURE you do...and if you stop this should go away."

Them: "You're creating this...if you try to focus you're mind on something else or meditate the symptoms will go away."
Me: "You mean the next time I am running to the bathroom I should stop and try to meditate."
Them: "Yes, I bet you'll feel much better."
Me: "Right."

After describing traumatic childhood experiences:

"It couldn't have been that bad. Otherwise you wouldn't have turned out so well."

Told several doctors that the reason I was suicidal and self harming was because of anxiety in social situations, from feeling I'm not like most people, and have difficulty communicating on their level. They told me everyone else feels like this too, so I'm no different from everyone else. Really had to fight to get referred to someone who understands AS.

That's not the funny bit.

After waiting 6 months to be seen by someone (with depression getting worse), and my referral being passed around the entire psychology department in a search for someone who understands AS, a complaint from mum finally got me several appointments to see the head of psychology. I say I have AS. He asks what my IQ is. I tell him. He's shocked and says that makes me 1 in 10,000. Not like most people at all.

Him: Do you think maybe you're overthinking this?

Me: Hell, I overthink everything.

My therapist was... um... okay, I don't want to say "useless," because I'm sure somebody benefited from sessions with him. I, however, never did. Mostly, my dude talked to me about movies. I assume he had some motive, opening me up slowly or something like that, but no such thing actually happened.

Probably the best, though, was when he tried to diagnose me. "Jonathan, there's nothing REALLY wrong with you. Sure, I'll admit you're depressed, and you don't really like people, but... you're smart, okay? You're really, REALLY smart. And sometimes, really really smart people... they don't experience the world like... normal people do. You know?"

Yeah. Nice.

-C