Difference in Dating Another Aspie.

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I have been dating another aspie since October now. Since this is the first time that I have dated another aspie, I am curious as to what others think on the subject.

I, myself, have found it to be rather refreshing. In many ways, our minds work similarly, and thus, I can understand what she is thinking (and vice versa). In a large degree, she thinks more like a man than a woman (despite the fact that she is very much a woman). I don't know if this is typical or not.

Since we both have problems with body language, we simply discuss everything. Not in the "let's talk about our relationship" cliche, where the woman simply wants to tell the man how everything will be. We actually discuss the various aspects of our relationship and how everything should and will work.

Also, since she new about my aspie-ness right from the beginning (met her at a group for aspies), there was none of the trying to play down my weirdness at the beginning. The result appears to be virtual total acceptance of each other, and our unusual traits.

Anyways, I am not trying to make others jealous. This is simply rather different for me. I am curious if others have found similar difference between dating aspies and NTs.

Keep going, you're doing just fine

Ed Almos

I know that I am doing fine. In fact, marriage has already been discussed. I feel absolutely no fear of losing her.

I was simply wondering if others had found similar or different differences between dating aspies and NTs.

I met another aspie and we were going out for awhile. We both knew that we were aspies as Wrong Planet came up in one of our conversations. To this point, we are still very good friends, see almost eye to eye in most things, have not fought about anything, and as far as I can tell, we can probably have a good long lasting relationship. I say stick with it and I am very happy for you! I like meeting other aspies and seeing how they view their world and what we all have in common. -Power Girl

I prefer other Aspies because they are more likely to love me for me, and less likely to cheat on me.

Is MeetUp.com still free? I am interested in meeting other Aspie girls. Sometimes it seems that I do cross paths with women I suspect of being Aspie or at least non-NT; one was searching for gluten-free products in a specialty healthfood store.


More of the good side of my true self would come out if I could meet up and date an Aspie.

i wanna date another aspie!

I think that is pretty well definable as an established characteristic of most aspies. At least according to the common stereotypes of the "male" and "female" thought processes. Naturally oriented toward a systemizing approach more so than an empathizing one.

If I ever manage to go out with a girl, I hope she's aspie, so that I don't have to play stupid inane mind games and can just be straightforward. That would probably be cool.

Same here!

I hope this one Aspie woman who I am deeply interested in (and who I've met in person) moves to the Metroplex after she finishes college later this year, so she and I can have a relationship (I'm about 100 miles from D/FW, but it only takes an hour to get there from Wichita Falls).

I've only dated one aspie (and about 20 NTs), so maybe it's not a fair comparison. But in retrospect, I think our relationship failed because we were too much alike. While you want to have someone you can relate to, you also want differences in your mate. That way you can balance each other out and become a stronger person. And of course, it's boring if you can relate to your partner about everything.

Then again, we were young (20-21) at the time. But it was chaotic, and I don't like being the "responsible" one in a relationship--in fact, that role shouldn't exist, it should be an equal partnership.

In fact, it's better to be alike.

You mention that the AS relationship ended. Have you thought that maybe it was because (I assume it from what you wrote) you were responsible and she wasn't?


To the OP: Congrats!

It's the dynamics of a relationship. A serious relationship needs to be worked on, it's the natural progression of things. As it progressed, I was the one doing most of the work--and I'm not blaming my partner for hanging on for the ride, as I would've done the same in his place.
As Aspies, we cling to the few people we can find who understand and respect us. My partner and I felt that connection, and formed a strong friendship on it. But love is different than friendship. If the person you're with is a mirror for all your insecurities, anxieties, and all the things you don't like about yourself, then it's not a positive foundation to build on.
For the longest time, I felt I couldn't end the relationship with someone I had so much in common with and it would probably mean the end of our friendship. And he was going through a hard time, so I knew how fragile he was. That's why I held on, even though I was *miserable*. Seriously, I was never really happy, it was the darkest time of my life.

So, to answer your question, obviously you want to have some common ground with whoever you're with--similiar interests, similar goals, maybe. But if you have too much in common personality-wise, then you have nothing to offer your partner, nothing to counterbalance them, to make a relationship '2 people reacting with each other' as opposed to '2 people side by side', to put it in scientific terms. If you don't have something to offer the person that they're missing, there will be no reaction, no spark.

I know, it sucks! You see her, and a part of you HATES to notice all that stuff that you dislike so much in you.

Zee: Well, I haven't been in a relationship where both are so so similar, so maybe that's why I can't relate to that.


BTW, not so long ago I read about this advice for someone that was going to get married soon: "what are the top 3 things that you hate the most on your husband? Well, write them down, rip that paper apart, and forget about them."
Whoa!

Good advice! Of course there will be some things you hate about your mate.

I also didn't mean to imply that Aspie couples can't be happy; that was just my one experience. I think if you're happy and confident with yourself, and if your mate has a complimentary personality to yours, then you're set. It's unfortunate that many Aspies lack this confidence.

Also, I don't think anyone should avoid dating NTs. Many NTs are quiet, sensitive, caring people who would make a great partner for an Aspie.

God I hope so. Your experience depressed me. Maybe the experience was dark not because of his Aspieness directly, but because he was falling down a spiral and taking you with him.

Reasons I would want an Aspie girlfriend:

1 - Rational mind. I can be very intuitive (sense things) but I don't have a lot of energy for "reading between the lines" or reading a woman's mind. I want tactful directness; not passive aggressive resentment. I can be very much like Spock with some of Deanna Troi's empath abilities.

2 - Different Drummer: I pine for the girl who is a little offbeat, and outside the popular and mainstream. They often will be Aspie or something nigh. I've known many attractive females who were only on the outside because of their neuro functioning.

3 - Someone who could sympathize with me when I act a certain way in overly demanding social situations (wedding parties with people I don't know), or understand I may not always have the emotional energy to be entertaining or doting. I compensate in other ways and always feel strongly, but don't express it the same way.

Yes, he was definately falling down a spiral.

I think the three qualities you list could also be found in an NT woman. Don't forget that many people are attracted to mates who have qualities they don't. While you may be self concious about being picky and particular, another woman could see it as cute. If you appreciate a partner's "reading between the lines", that's an NT trait. (For myself, I'm definately more passive aggressive.)
It's good that you know what kind of partner that you want, and your criteria isn't based on appearance and petty trivialities, so you're on your way.