Heartache and Wonder, I need advice.

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I'm in love with an Aspie. She's beautiful, charming, very intelligent. She's also manipulative, ADHD prone, and oblivious to how much pain I go through by not walking away.

When I started dating her, she admitted to being a recovering heroin addict, and asked me if I could handle that. I had said yes, as long as she's pointed in the direction of recovery, not going back into her addiction.

Well, I fell hard for her, with an intensity I've never experienced before. I wanted to protect her from all harm, to hold her when life was tough for her, to feed her when she was hungry and shelter her when she was cold. I lived to see her smile at me.

Well she had a best friend who was also an ex-bf from about a year back, whom she had also played the role of "mistress" to, while he had another GF. And he happened to suddenly get jealous about her spending so much time with me, and spending so many nights at my place. So he relapsed on Heroin, just to draw her back into using with him. He used it as a tool to wedge between us.

I held her while she trembled and cried through the withdrawals. While she made pleas for me to help her get clean again, and then change her mind hours later telling me that this was just her way to party, and I'd never understand because I wasn't an IV user. But then she'd tell me that she needed me, I was the only one who believed in her. She even made me promise never to break up with her.

I tried breaking it off with her one day, because she had brought the Ex-BF on a trip to run some errands with us, and they were planning on a big needle party that night, but they were trying to keep it secret from me. but I wasn't fooled. So I told her that we were never going to get better, that she was headed downhill, and I could no longer standby and watch her sink into the downward spiral. She felt very betrayed. And got violently angry with me, and then started crying and promising to go clean. Something melted in me, and I gave her a chance.

That night she not only went to the party, but also cheated and decided that she was still in love with her Ex, but she decided to keep it secret from me. She came back the next day, and we went to some NA/AA meetings.

She continued to relapse further with her Ex, and have a sexual affair with him behind my back. (She only admitted to the affair after she hit bottom and cleaned up more recently) Until one day, seemingly out of the blue, she informed me that she was having trouble trying to decide between him and I. She spent the night telling me that she had decided on me, and even asked me to marry her the next morning, and then said she needed to go break up with him. I called her 2 hours later and she was high at his house, and had decided to leave me for him.

She went on a week-long binge, getting kicked out of her Dad's house, spending over $800 in savings on drugs, and wearing her body out through IV use of Heroin and Cocaine. And then she came back to work (we worked together), and told me she had made a New Years Resolution to clean up once and for all. And that as soon as she found a place to stay she wanted to leave her Ex and work things out with me. That night she and her Ex got arrested for Possesion of over 40 syringes with traces of Cocaine. She called me from Jail. And so I called her Dad first thing in the morning, telling him the truth about her relapse (I'm the first BF she's ever had that her Dad actually liked), and convincing him to let her back in, and give her a chance, being supportive of her decision to put the drugs behind her once and for all.

When she got out that day, she begged me to commit to a relationship with her, I told her that after she was clean for a few days, I'd be her BF for her Birthday (5 days later).

Come to find out, she was still planning on remaining committed to her Ex (who is still in jail, as he was on bail already, and this was his 8th Drug Felony), but she was still wanting to keep things up with me.

This enraged me, I broke things off, saying I'd just be a friend.

She still keeps coming back to me, and initiating romantic and sexual activity, and teasing me with the idea of getting back together with me. but then minutes later obliviously bragging about how much fun she and him had during this time or that time, and talking about how he's her true love. And when I ask about why she keeps stringing me along, she says that she's still in love with me too.

I feel like a fool. I feel heartbroken. I'm still in love with her.
My mind tells me I'm just a placeholder for the other guy. My heart tells me that he is an obsession that is unhealthy for her, and that when she goes enough days clean and working the 12 steps, she'll realize it, and let go of him.
But my mind also tells me that I'm a fool for feeling that way, and I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak again and again.

She's 21 days clean now, and she occasionally has doubts about him. And she keeps reaching out to me. She pounces on me everytime she sees me about to move on to other girls. (She's very jealous, ironically)

I'm an NT, but I'm also an unmedicated BiPolar (though very high-functioning, through behavioral repression).
She won't let me break it off with her. And everytime she reaches out to me, my heart melts and I take her hand in mine.

What do I do? Do I have a hope of happiness with her?

Now, you might want to ignore my advice, because I've been single my entire life. But I'll give some anyway.

My aunt and uncle were married for 20 years. He had a similar situation with his wife (before they were married) as she was too on drugs (but also prostitution). She eventually got clean and everything, they were happy, and got married.

It lasted for 20 years and then she went right back to drugs, sold her house, spent all the money on drugs, and now has to sell her body for drugs.

She took all the money she had from their 2 kids savings accounts and spent it on drugs.

So, with this said, don't you think someday she might go back? I don't know. I'm just sharing my story.

Run.

Run fast and run far.

Put as many miles as you can (an ocean if need be) between you.

Don't pick up the phone...don't write.

Then think...long and hard about what you want in life.

You really have to break with this situation. It is going to probably be one of the toughest things you've ever done, but you have to do it before your life is sucked into this extremely damaging, negative and abusive situation anymore.

You have to be HARD - on her and yourself. It is going to be tough. No contact whatsoever, for a very long time: that is the only way.

But only you can make that choice. Every one here may urge you to run away as far as your legs can carry you, but you must make the decision. You must realise you are being hurt, badly, and abused and used. And you must decide. I hope you make the right decision.

Well, this is my quick reaction, and not well-considered at all. But I have to say that your girlfriend has more to deal with than Aspergers. She has, it seems, several addictions. Not only drugs, but sex and drama as well. She may actually love you, but it's going to be hard to separate from her constantly detructive mangling of relationships. She'll never give up her old boyfriend as long as her can provide that rush of hormonal brain chemicals she gets from danger and chasing and the emotional roller coaster she constantly rides.

From what I've read, her repetitious seeking for love and sex may be giving her exactly the same wash of dopamine in her brain that she gets from cocaine. And the desensitization caused by the drugs may be slowly (or quickly) destroying her ability to regulate her brain chemistry - or relationships - in any appropriate way.

She needs more help than a 12-step program. She needs regular periodic sessions with a mental heath professional who can prescribe what ever chemicals she needs to get her brain working properly again.

If you were serious about being her friend, then you need to simply be a friend for as long as it takes for her to get her mind back under control. There's no way come to any conclusions about how she really feels about you - or anyone else (including herself) - until she recovers. And you should, largely, disregard most of what she's said or done since she began her relapse, unless you have some way of knowing for sure when she was thinking clearly and sanely. I suspect that's difficult. In fact, you may want to seriously consider moving on with your life. Perhaps having nothing to worry about but herself is just what's best for her. And you.

For the sake of both her and yourself, you need to decide firmly exactly what the boundaries are in your relationship. Then lay them out for her clearly. Tell her that she has a true friend, but that you can't help her kill herself. And you can't take responsibility for her mental health - she has to do that. Also tell her you cannot be her lover or husband until she's back in control of her mind and life. It may be a fairly long trek to get to an appropriate time for that decision.

There's no reason for her not to know you love her. But she also needs to know that love can't thrive in such a dangerous life. Constant mistrust and deceit will always crush love.

Personally, I'd remind her that continually choosing to return to her poisonous Ex is a sure sign that she is not serious about regaining her life and future.

Well, as I said, this is just my first reaction. So don't follow my advice - unless it makes sense to you, and you've talked it over with a mental health professional.

One thing is for certain: she needs to do more than get over a drug addiction. She needs to work on those brain chemical addictions, too.

I agree with everything Jeff said, it is most insightful, but there is one thing I don't agree with. I don't think you should be part of her recovery. Your emotions are too strong and they will continually cloud your judgement. You are already trying to take care of her and help her, and it is not working. She needs to go and do this without you.

Her feelings for you or for him are irrelevant.

She's a liar and a cheat. People quit drugs, but in my experience they don't quit lying and cheating.

Next!

Kill her.

Well, that's an interesting suggestion, and it would certainly break the cycle; but I'd still advise just not seeing her anymore.

That may be true, but you have to consider what steps she'll take to track him down. Also, consider her sexual promiscuity, and the very likely chance she could infect him with a very harmful disease through gross negligence.

I'd consider this situation, if she chooses to break and enter to make her "affection" known, worthy of lethal force.

Yeah, there is that.



All he has to do to avoid that is not sleep with her.



Still seems a lot easier to me just to say "No" to her.

knsellout, saying she "won't let you break it off with her" is just an excuse. She has no choice in the matter.

Don't see her anymore. Ever.

And when you tell her you won't see her anymore, and she starts rattling on with her BS, keep reminding yourself she is a LIAR!

I concur with juliekitty. You have to stick to your guns with this loser.

While the killing comment was meant to be more of a joke than serious, police involvement may be necessary if she continues. Why not just get her convicted of drug use, and be done with her?

I never give advise, but I feel confidant that the below sites would be of deep interest to you.

I wish you well

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
http://www.slaafws.org/

This girl is so incredibly messed up and you're young and have the rest of your life in front of you. Please walk away from this and never look back.

You can dedicate your life to trying to help her, and possibly destroy your own. Or, you can surround yourself with people who lift you up spiritually and emotionally. If I was your friend, I know which choice I would advise you to take.

You have ot disconnect yourself wfomr her for your own safety, you can onlt offer so much help till they've abused your trust. iHate to say this about anyone especially a fellow aspie but in the words Of William S. Buroughs "The Face pf Evil is always the face of total need"