different rules for NT vs AS kids?

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just wondering for those who have NT and AS children in your household, are there different sets of rules for each of the kids or not? and why did you decide to do it that way.

Yes, we have different rules for all our kids (10 year old NT, 9 year old HFA, 2 year old NT).
It would be unfair to give all three children the same rules, as they are at different developemental stages. We try to set rules that the children have the capability to follow.

It would lead to frustration and unneccesary conflict if we expected our 2yr.o., or our HFA 9yr.o., to behave the way our 10 yr.o. does. A good example is table manners. We expect our 10 year old to keep his elbows down when he uses his knife and fork, we expect our 9yo just to use his knife and fork. (And are proud we got this far!)
We also expect out NT son to be more polite than we expect our HFA son to be.
We have different computer rules for the two kids.
We are open about this with our 10 year old, so he doesn't feel bad about the situation. We make it clear that he also has more priviledges (spelling!). He goes to bed later, can visit his friends on his own, go buy candy at the store with his own money ect. (freedom comes with responsibility!).
The long-term aim for all three children is the same, but the method we use, and the speed at which skills are learned, is different.

Each child is different, and to treat them equally and fairly, we have to treat them differently.

my NT son is only 2 years younger than his Aspie brother ( 13 1/2 & 16). I actually expect more out of my NT son than my aspie son~mostly because my NT son is currently capable of handling social situations better.
in general, house rules are the same for everyone~treat others as you wish to be treated. help out when you're asked to help. ....of course, most households with children of different ages would have different expectations for social behavior ( i don't expect my 9 year old to be as socially savvy as my 12 1/2 year old).

Katrine, interesting approach. I understand the age differences and ability differences and agree that with added responcibility comes added privelege. From what I can tell from your post this is working for you and I agree with you. I think you are handling a complicated situation very well.

mom2bax, good question! We have two 11 year olds, a boy, Z dx ADHD,combined type, Asperger's/HFA, suspected Tourette"s and other issues still to be "officially" dxd, and a girl, NT, above average performance in school. Yes, the rules are somewhat different. I' running out of time because I've got to work but will be back with my further explaination and a question .

we have 2 kids who are neurodivergent (AS and Williams Syndrome), but we don't really believe in having different rules for anyone in the house (including the parents). We avoid things that will lead to power struggles by giving everyone a say no matter what their age or neuropathy.

Everything is up for discussion all the time. Everything can be negotiated and we all work toward mutually agreeable solutions. We find people are significantly more successful when they are allowed to make their own rules. And it has been our experience that people (including children) tend to make "good" decisions when given the chance, the responsibility, and the trust.

thanks , i do understand different sets of rules , or rather expectations for varying ages. i guess if anyone has specific differences in rules for their AS vs NT kids could you let me know what they are. (like katrine did with the table manners thing)

my kids are roughly 2 years apart (4 and 2 1/2). and i'm looking to beginning establishing a rules chart/ chore chart thing, in conjunction with a schedule, becasue it's kind of been a bit chaotic in general.
not that there are no rules, just things aren't really working out this way, and it's adding stress for all.
so this was mainly wondering what works for others so i can have something to go from.

thanks: ster, shaggydaddy and katrine for your input

i agree that i want to get them involved in the rule/schedule making and have all members of the household have a say, it's just a little hard to do that based on their age right now, or else i worry that ice cream for supper would become a norm (lol). but i do want to try it and see where it goes and i agree that general rules should be followed by all., me included.

corsarzs- i look forward to your reply.

In my experience it will only take a day or 2 before the kids will start making healthy eating decisions again. The only reason they would have ice cream for every meal is because they were never allowed to before. Your body craves the things it needs, and after the novelty of having "the forbidden fruit" wears off, eating habits will level off.

I came from such a family: I'm an aspie, and my older sister is NT. My parents treated her way better than they treated me. My sister had only three rules: don't do anything that hurts other people (excluding me, of course), don't do anything that damages property (again, excluding mine), and don't do anything that harms yourself. Other than that, she had full control of her life. I'll give her credit for generally leaving me alone, although when she felt that I needed to be put back in my place, she'd recruit my parents to "help", then stand back and watch. For instance, I used to question why she got to eat nicer food than I did. My parents would step in, and you know the rest. Since she was the favorite child, they always took her side.

I, on the other hand, had tons of rules; some were at least partially logical, others existed solely for keeping me at the bottom of the family hierarchy. For once, I was not allowed to drink any water from the pitcher my parents kept on the kitchen table, except during mealtimes; if I broke that rule, I'd get a hard spank. (Yeah, I know, where's the logic?) Also, I was included to show all my homework assignments to my parents; if it wasn't done perfectly, they'd tear it up and make me do it over again. And let's not even bring up grades! <cringes> Finally, I was forbidden to show any emotion other than contentment; if I cried, showed fear (let alone talk about my fears), or got angry, I'd get an hour-long lecture about what a bad person I am. There are things that my parents did right, but when my life felt like the Full Metal Jacket movie, it's hard to really appreciate those things.

I think ster sums the situation very well. Rules are the same for both of my kids, expctations are different. Academically Z excells in all areas, his vocabulary is already more extensive than most adults, his reading skills
are literally off the charts used by the school to evaluate their students, his math and science skills are likewise far abovewhat is expected for a fifth grader. Socially his development is about three years behind that of an "average" 11 year old and we have been told that it may remain on that level while his intellect continues to develop. S on the other hand is acaddemically "on schedule" ( when she came to live with us her academic level was two-three years behind) and she is socially very profficient (sometimes I fear too much so). The two children are actually cousins though they and we refer to them as siblings and get along very well and like actual siblings have moments when they cannot stand each other. Z helps S with her studies (he is a harder taskmaster than Cor [mom] or myself) and S looks out for him in social situations.

I find that I expect more form S in understanding and responding to household rules than I do Z and I expect nothing short of excellance from him academically and will tolerate a lesser performance from S, both kids are expected to do their best. S has a greater degree of independence than Z because she shows more responsibility in this area. I check her studying and required reading more closely than I do Z's because she tends to give ambiguous answers while Z is so literal that he basically cannot lie. (that can be a mixed blessing)

Now for my question, Cor and I have come to realize that when we tell the kids to perform a task we expect a more immediate responce and compliance from S than we do from Z. If S responds negatively we tend to "jump" on her immediately while at the same time a similar responce from Z gets more repetitions of the requests and more patience. We have concluded that this is unfair and have embarked on a "no tolerance"
policy concerning Z. If he responds negatively he immediately loses a privelege ( there is an understanding the same will happen to S). My question is: Is this the best way to handle this considering the differences in the two kids social development and understanding?

I'm always interested in input from everyone here and if I haven't been clear tell me and I'll try to remedy the situation. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

shaggydaddy,
if everyone gets a say or opinion how does the parent as leader thing work?
and what happens in the case of a "stale mate" where no one can agree on any one thing or, 2 vs 2. i like the idea of it just not sure how it works exactly. i am all for as few power struggles as possible, already starting with A, the 2 1/2 year old. but really wondering how to maintain the head ship of the parents in that situation.

i nearly croaked when my son's therapist suggested that he ( my son) be allowed to come up with his own punishment......he was 13 and out of his freakin' mind IMO. how could he possibly come up with a suitable punishment ? I had visions of him rewarding himself for bad behavior...............once i calmed down, i decided that i'd give the therapist's plan a chance just once. i figured it couldn't hurt the situation, and maybe just maybe it would end some of the power struggles we were having.
the next time he got in trouble, i was amazed at the punishment he gave himself......the therapist's rules were this: son would have to tell us what his punishment would be, and then we would be able to change the punishment only if we felt he was being too harsh on himself........in actuality, son was being too harsh on himself, and we were able to tell him that his latest offense was really only a 2 day suspension from tv & the computer~that his thoughts of 2 weeks without the tv & computer was too harsh.

You have to be very committed and very consistant. If your kids know everything is up for discussion then they are more secure in the knowledge that they have a say. They are usually much more open to: "I know it's really important to you that we stay at the mall play area, but we have a doctor's appointment so we have to go" Because they know that if they voiced their desire and it was possible for you to stay than you would (the trick is that this has to be true).

"Giving in" has a really bad wrap. Many people think that in order to be a "consistant" and effective parent you must never give in, you must bark orders and expect them to be followed at the threat of punnishment. That just isn't realistic in the long run. The truth is people will usually do what is modeled to them and not what is ordered of them. If they see that every time you make up your mind there is no way for them to change it, then what do you expect them to do? They will be unwilling to compromise on their desires just like you, because they will have been taught through experience that compromise does not work. As for the whole stalemate thing... you could probably win or stalemate every game of tic tac toe with your child... would you do that? Would you let them win? Would you opt out of playing? A lot of it is looking at each "struggle" as objectivly as possible. I mean, if he decides to eat ice cream for dinner I will let him... it's not like ice cream is as bad as say burgers and french fries which half the country is having for dinner... and he will get hungry later anyway and ask for some real food. And if it became a problem, we would stop buying ice cream... just like if I found myself too tempted with ice cream every night, I would keep it out of the house to make things easier for myself. Heck if he took it further and really voiced his need/want for ice cream for dinner every night, I would make avacado ice cream, which is basically as nutritious as baby food, and he could be on an all avacado and cream diet for a while. Creativity, problem solving, and picking your battles are your biggest tools.

The main problem with a no-compromise situation is that it can be very effective for a while, so people fall in to it. Why do people think their kids go crazy the second they become teenagers? Why? because all of the rules must change in the parent teen relationship once the whole "I'm bigger than you so you have to do what I say" thing wears off. In a parenting relationship where you have worked to build mutual respect, team problem solving, and compromise ability the rules never really have to change. I mean you have the same strategy for dealing with your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, strangers, etc etc. It really makes it simple when you don't have different rules for different age groups, social statuses, etc.

As for the whole leadership thing, demonstrating life skills is the best way to teach them, and I can't imagine a more important skill than compromise, it is how every human makes it through every day in society. I feel like parenting is 80% teacher, 10% disaster management, and 10% disaster prevention. 0% police officer.