Reasons why you didn't use social graces as a little kid?

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Ana54
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30 Jan 2008, 5:12 am

When I was really young, my parent would tell me to do something or not to do something, and the other kids were doing the same thing as me that my parents were telling me not to do, or not doing the same thing I wasn't doing that my parents were telling me to do. My mother would say they weren't telling the other kids the same thing because they weren;t hers, but I remember feeling like it was unfair that I had to have the mother that expected more of their kid than the other parents did of theirs.



criss
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30 Jan 2008, 6:10 am

Hi ana.

I had the mixed blessing of having abusive parents, insomuch as out of terror I learned the art of fine acting and getting out the way of trouble. This extended to me developing personalities and characters many of whom had creative ways of managing social cues.

It has taken me many many years to integrate these personalities and now I feel like a child again, for my dx has just given me a loving push to go even deeper into my true self, and in doing so, I feel i can be honest for the first time in my life re such difficulties.

Nice to be in touch again. Take care.

Chris


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woodsman25
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30 Jan 2008, 6:14 am

As a kid I was DX'ed during times when autism was not well known, and of course prior to AS even being recognized as a true DX. As a result I think prior to the teen years I was completly oblivious to the fact that i was not socializing correctly, hell I did not even understand that their was a reason I was kept in a seperate class from the rest of my NT peers, completly oblivious until about age 10 or so, then all that changed.

My parents did little to assist, my father is aspie surly himself, and mom... well... I guess not enough was understood back then to allow parents to intervine unlike today, so i was able to just do what I always did and develope on my own.


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DX'ed with HFA as a child. However this was in 1987 and I am certain had I been DX'ed a few years later I would have been DX'ed with AS instead.


SleepyDragon
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30 Jan 2008, 7:25 am

I don't think there's a kid anywhere in the world who hasn't felt at some point that his or her parents were the worst evah - less tolerant of errors, less permissive, less cool in general, than every other kid's parents. I think it's compulsory or something. :)

Then you grow up and start having children of your own, and guess what happens? :D



2ukenkerl
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30 Jan 2008, 7:36 am

Ana,

I was the same as you in this respect. I actually took CLASSES on social graces, and my mother SWEAR she doesn't know about them!



zghost
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30 Jan 2008, 12:45 pm

When I was little, my parents did try. But simple politeness was just so hard for me, I didn't know why. They probably thought I was just stubborn. (And I am, but that wasn't the issue.) When social graces were expected, I knew what I was supposed to say, it just wouldn't come out. If they'd given me a little time, it might have, but my mom would almost instantly go "And what do we say?" Then it was impossible for me to say it.

I still cringe to this day if she uses that tone of voice.

I didn't develop any real manners until I'd moved out (no more pressure) and realized I needed to say those things. It was hard at first, but I can do it pretty passably now.



Shelby
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30 Jan 2008, 9:18 pm

I could echo everything zghost just said. My mother would make me say "Thankyou for having me" when I was at a friends house and I JUST COULDN'T DO IT!! ! I had manners like please and thankyou but it wasn't until I was about 18 and started learning about autism that I started noticing social graces. Things like "how are you"....seemed pointless to ask that unless someone was sick but I discovered you don't mean it, it's just a thing you say to socialise.



medicinewoman
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30 Jan 2008, 9:25 pm

I swear my mom was always a little harder on me. She really had a thing about not letting me do what all the other kids were doing. Like she was trying to hard to make sure she was parenting more than the other parents lol. She's got AS too, but i don't know if she knows.



Jeyradan
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01 Feb 2008, 1:42 am

My mother was always making me do that to my parents' friends (since I didn't have any of my own). I never understood it. These weren't my friends and I didn't like them, so why would I pretend?
When I was 11 I went to a classmate's house for a day. When I left, she thanked me for coming, and I knew I needed to thank her for having me. So I did, but it felt so awkward that I muttered "I hate the after-visit formalities" to diffuse the weird feeling, and she and my mom heard me and got angry.