What you NEED in a romantic partner, vs. what you WANT

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What are the qualities you would absolutely NEED a partner to have in a relationship? These aren't the things you find attractive--just your minimum requirements. How picky are you even at your most minimal requirements?

Me, I'm pretty picky. This is basically what I'd need:
-Has to be completely female
-Has to be in my general age range (i.e. 17-30, and even that's stretching it a bit...I'm not even 20 yet)
-Has to like me like that (eventually love me, but real love takes a looong time in my opinion--it's not at the very start of a relationship)
-Has to be compassionate, at least enough enough to understand and look past my AS and sensory defensiveness
-Has to be at least a little gothic
-I have to have things in common with them
-I have to find them visually attractive
-Doesn't have many of the big turn offs: smokes, does BDSM, never gives me any attention, never really cares, immoral/violent/cruel, slu*ty, mean/bitchy, suicidal, really religious, untrue to her word, racist, no sense of humor, lacks the ability to have intelligent conversations, uses perfume, lies, is really immature, etc.

That just about narrows almost everyone out. lol.

So...what about qualities that you WANT? Things that are NOT needed for the relationship but for some reason you find them really attractive?

Me:
-Everything on the need list
-Blood red hair. If you've been reading my posts for a while you KNEW I was gonna say this one. Hahahah.
-Really weird and eccentric, with strange habits.
-Plays video games. (Even if they're games I don't like....)
-Really seductive and sensual, but at the same time a hopeless romantic--the sort of person that only makes love to someone they're in love with, but loves making love to that one person, and seducing them, turning them on.
-Similar taste in music and film.
-Confident in the way an insecure guy like me could never be. I wouldn't want to be the guy in a relationship--I'd want the girl to be the one to approach me.
-Independent, but at the same time not so busy that she never had any time for me.
-Really great artist. If she can do amazing artwork of some sort, I'm much more inclined to like her.
-The hot goth girl look...pale, black lipstick and eyeliner, decadent black Victorian-era clothing with corsets and fetish boots....
-European accent. Or ability to fake it. Total fetish, this one. DX
-Nice figure...you know what I mean...I'm so horribly typical here. Slender, busty, curves in the right places--not so skinny she looks freakish or anorexic, but still skinny enough that you couldn't call her fat. That slender-but-with-boobies body type is so rare, and I hate finding it attractive but I can't help it. DX (BTW: Plastic surgery = another huge turnoff.)
-Great sense of humor. If a girl makes me laugh a lot, I find it attractive.
-Mature.
-Willpower. I'd want a lover, not a slave, and there are times when I'm out of line and full of crap and I need to be put in my place those times. Totally dominating girls don't attract me, but ones that are submissive and never speak up for themselves don't either.


Contrast the two lists. Contrast your own as well. Why is it that we are attracted to things that we don't necessarily need in a relationship? Why is it that appearances play such a role? It's just how nature programmed us to be, I guess.

If you have a list, you won't need sex, because you've already screwed yourself. There is no such thing as perfect and if you expect to change somebody think again. Change comes from with in. Good luck. And yes I'm very happily married, on good days

See, that's the thing, if you're going to expect everything that you want as well as everything that you need then you might as well expect perfection, which is why it's important to understand when things you find attractive are NOT things you need in a relationship.

I made a list like that when I was about 10 years old. Sometime in my teen years I laughed at it and threw it away.

But I have to say.... now I am 25 and my boyfriend fits what I remember of the list.

Here's something you might wish to consider. You publish things like this on the internet. Let's say a girl reads this list and she might otherwise have been interested in you. But she has black hair or small breasts or can't draw a straight line... she'd feel really insecure knowing that you have these extra preferences that she doesn't fit. Maybe she'll feel really uncomfortable every time you come across a redhead or an artist. Some of these things are best left unsaid, not just for this reason. When you meet the right person, those "wants" are going to fade to dust, but the record of those wants could still damage your potential relationship.

So there are my unbidden two cents. ^_~ Pardon my meddlesomeness, if that's a word.

Yes, I think so. I find it interesting that humans have such varied and deeply held preferences. I know that some of mine are simply hardwired into me. I could not deviate from them and have a successful relationship, even if I tried (and I sometimes have).

Must dance. Must not smoke.

There are Many "musts" for me but one thing I certainly CAN do without in a woman is a sense of humor.

Bwah! Well, you shouldn't have much trouble.

Sexual attraction and trust.

Yes I do think trust is a really big one and something that needs to be earned. If you're with the right one, it seems to happen pretty fast. But break it and you've done serious damage to your relationship. On the other hand trust will get you through some really rough spots.

Us Pensylvania people know what were talking about.

We'll see if he still feels the same way 10 years down the road - married to an authoritative wife who complains a lot and takes everything too seriously. Nah, I'm just pulling your chain pal. In all honesty, I think the idea that anyone can lack a sense of humor is a misconception. It's just that some of us are confident enough to display humor from the outset while it must be coaxed out of others over time - but I believe that deep down there is a playful "inner child" in all of us.

1. Must be an Aspie.
2. Favorite TV show must be South Park.
3. Must be skinny and be at least a D-cup.
4. Must be socially and politically liberal.
5. Must have a college degree (Bachelor's or higher).
6. Cannot be asexual, or wanting to wait until marriage.
7. Must make at least $50,000 per year.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 10 Feb 2008, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1) Must be someone I can completely trust (was going to say "must be someone who won't lie to me" but that sounded a bit harsh)
2) Must be a woman
3) Must be 18-25

all i ask for is someone who is very loving and not interested in sex and loves holding someone tightly

and since I'm back on the market I've been thinking a lot about it. Especially since I've met someone who sometimes I'm not sure I'm attracted to, but who I still think is cool and I'm willing to take some time figuring out if I'm attracted to him.

This is what I thought I needed when I was in my 20s: funny, charming, full of energy, mutual like & love... I did not think that stuff like responsibility, self-sufficiency, etc was important. I thought I was refreshingly progressive for NOT caring whether the guy was solvent, or likely to be an equal partner in the WORK of being a family. Anyway, fast forward 9 years, I get tired of having all the responsibility for making the money, taking care of the kid, making adult decisions, etc. All the attractive stuff got a lot less attractive, lol. Plus, as you know, looks are good but an aspie doesn't spend much time looking at someone's face...

I actually don't believe in lifetime relationships anymore. I can't see how they would work. Of course I've never found a perfect person who was both a responsible adult AND hot & fun, lol.

Now that I'm older (and I hope it doesn't seem TOTALLY irrelevant to those who are younger), self-sufficiency is important. Plus I know I need my space. The guy has to be fun & funny AND fiscally responsible, but not one of those guys who talk about stocks and mutual funds (snoooorrreee....) The guy can't be settling down in to middle aged pudge (ewww....) The guy can't be so self-centered that I'm not getting any energy back (being hyperactive, I have a LOT of energy to put INTO a relationship...)

So, I found a guy who fulfills a lot of my requirements & has a whole lot more attractive qualities. I could make a list of things that I'm physically attracted to and there are a few things that he doesn't have but the most important thing is fitness, health & energy (I am the same) and he's got that....

I think he's kind of aspie so I'm being patient at the start, but he talks about himself A LOT. I mean, I think I can count the questions he's asked me about myself on one hand. I think he's nervous, and also trying to impress since he doesn't have what most women would look for.

I don't know. What is good, though, is that I know that I am pretty happy with life on my own and a lover would be an accessory to that. It's not a matter of "need" at all. I think a good FWB would be just fine.

I actually have a LOT more respect for women who take themselves too seriously than women who are sillly and laughing all the time. That doesnt mean I dont like to laugh but I generally take life seriously and want someone who's the same that way.