How much of a good partner do you think you would be?

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I may be a few of these negative things, but I remind myself (thanks to kind people who know me & tell me so) that there's much more to me than just the bad stuff. I also try to admit my imperfections (and discuss those with trusted external observers), which isn't as good as fixing them (as if I could ?) but is certainly an improvement over denying my behavioral difficulties.
Also, "NT" people have just as many "bad" traits or behaviors as do people with ASD's, but the labels for these actions or perspectives are branded pathological by whomever's making the judgments (or considers self to be part of majority, "mainstream" version of humanity-as if there's a "right" way to be).

Each person's ASD is intertwined with the individual's personality (genes & experiences), and how the AS manifests differs from person to person (and between & within genders). Then add in how we all have different life circumstances, are at various phases/stages in each of our human (lifespan) development, and dissimilar demands placed upon us-it's tough to compare from person to person. One can call all of our situations ASD's, but that doesn't make us identical !
Have had a few serious long-term relationships, and in some ways I'm both a better & worse partner (same as I'm both more & less happy than I used to be, because when I was younger my lack of awareness actually shielded me from some miseries). Then, what makes someone a "good" partner ? That answer wouldn't be same for each potential companion-nobody appeals to every single other person.

Had my boyfriend write me a list (for when I have insecurity attack & feel worthless) of reasons he likes being with me. Some items are ones that wouldn't attract or retain most people, some items are things most people would appreciate. Some of my traits are common in people with ASD's, others are (apparently) rare in those with ASD's. Some are related to my being "this way" (neurologically)-others are things I've learned, to compensate for my problems. A few excerpts, paraphrased:
-Honesty.
-Affection.
-Intellectuality.
-Artistic.
-Share views on politics (he & I agree).
-Effort I put into being clear/articulate.
-Cautiousness.
-Unusualness.

I don't think I can be a good partner at the moment. I need to own a car and an apartment first but even if I get these things right now , I can't be a good partner at the moment.

I have those things and nobody wants me. Even other Aspies don't want me.

good points (at least, anyone I would date would probably consider them good points):
-don't play mind games
-I care
-I don't cheat
-believe in commitment and that sort of, it appears, obsolete and half-extinct beliefs.


bad ones:

-I'm 'boring,' a 'goody' - if clubbing is your life, then I find your life boring.
- I don't read minds and accept no responsibility for divining things you didn't tell me.
-I couldn't care less about fashion.
-I'm sometimes moody, depressed, etc.

So I'm obviously not perfect but there are worse men than me.

Why do you believe that to be the case?

Because he's got his whole "alpha male" theology going on...

i used to have a relationship like that with my ex, a weekends-and-holidays sort of thing, it was really nice it worked quite well, lasted a good couple of years which is a record for me! i can be a nightmare of a partner because whilst i like the romance and emotion of relationships, i cant take a lot of it, like everything else it gives me sensory/cognitive overload. so i need a lot of me time. hence the weekend/holiday thing. i guess it ended because she wanted more than i could cope with.



all my relationships have been with other aspies. i've known alot of other aspies in as/as relationships too, generally speaking in the successful ones people respected the other person's space. sometimes that meant separate rooms, sometimes separate houses. sometimes even separate countries! in the unsuccessful ones people would live too close, one partner would be constantly invading the others space and expanding into all the space for themself.

i've preferred to be with other people who understand what i'm like because they may be like it in some similar way. NTs can make lots of 'empathetic' noises but have no real understanding of the personal violation of having your bookcase messed up! personally i order the books by having the better ones on the left and the worse ones to the right. this is the only correct way to order books

I mean a good partner in general, as in being a person who doesn't make other people's lives "miserable", who's not abusive in any way whether intentionally or not and doesn't belong to the list of "people you should leave for your own sake", and someone who can eventually be helpful in a marriage and/or with children and be a person who's good to be with. And a person who can love and be loved, of course.

After that, there are many things than can help one be a good or even an ideal partner for someone or various "someones" (like being honest, naive, intelligent, shy, etc...) or that won't help you, but don't hurt either (like, if I have a partner who likes extreme sports - I don't like them, but it wouldn't make my life "miserable").

I always used to think my relationships would be clear and conflict free. While that wasn't the case and there were indeed conflicts - albeit them not having been terrible or ethically revolting as I often to saw in others - I seem to have behaved rather well in my only relationship so far.

The only source of tension, other than being overseas, was that my obsessive nature began proving invasive for her and, for reasons of her own, she couldn't cope too well with that in the sense that she would often allow herself to be overwhelmed by it. I further encouraged her to be more dominant while trying to be myself more careful about certain topics - but it only proved to be a partial solution. Only time would have told; we both agree the relationship would have continued if it hadn't been for the distance factor.

On a more shallow level, I like the fact I went from virginity to actually being a good lover in a very short time - I happened to know a lot of stuff in theory so it wasn't a total surprise but it was good to confirm that too.

My only concern is that if I were to date a NT girl (I suspect she was on the spectrum btw) - it'd be very hard for me to not seem like a freak; not because of anything blatantly weird in itself but because of the fact I'm not used to the extreme social life of most people - especially of the higher middle class. I rarerly use my car, have never arranged a party, and so on. . . I can pull things off mechanically (with certain anxiety and effort) but my demeanour hasn't not been shaped over years of doing these things.
The good thing with my ex was that we didn't judge each other - we went to places, laughed at random trendy people, did things our way.

I suddenly thought of my aspie affection account so i want to retract what I said and say -
I am the ideal partner for any aspie guy- Im kind, caring and very loving and not at all rigid but very relaxed

I think I make a pretty good partner. My girlfriend gets annoyed with me sometimes but now that I have the diagnosis she's a lot more understanding and seems to find some of my difficulties endearing. She has her own strengths and weaknesses so we're able to complement each other. She did say to me once that sometimes she feels more like a mom than a girlfriend but I don't think that's so terrible. I don't get the sense that she does either. She said it's good practice for the future.

I wouldn't be a very good partner at this time either. My self esteem is too low which would mean at best I would be a target for being used and in most cases women don't like men with low self esteem, and rightfully so. I am too defensive because of my self esteem issues too which would make me hard to get along with.

Also add to all of that lack of financial independence and a lack of a drivers license and I just have be alone for the foreseeable future.

Not to mention any number of issues I have on top of all of that, I think any one or two of these things combined wouldn't be a big deal, but all of them together is just too much.

depends. I blew my first marriage, and am pretty close to blowing the 2nd. I'm offensively nice (I use niceness to put people off guard, and to set the distance before they have a chance to).

I know intellectually what my wives want from me, but I don't have it in me to give it to them. The emotional support, rapport, being 'there' (wherever that is)..so I don't make a good husband. But I don't think that's a rule, more of an exception...read on...

I'd be a good partner. I'm a fairly understanding person, and always try to get the others point of view even if I can't quite follow it myself.

I'm also rigid and have a back-bone when I need to.

I'm pretty observant when I know what I am looking for... I see how my friends marriages are... and think I can handle it. It maybe rough at the start, I'll have to learn all the pitfalls of the relationship... where to compromise on.

I have vast patience reserves... and rarely if ever get frustrated. So that'll be good in a relationship too.

I think I'd make a good boyfriend/husband actually. It's something that I can boost my confidence with, that the girl going with me is getting someone special.

I used to think the other way, and it's a really bad path to go down... saying I can't imagine a girl even being with me. But I see the many of the guys, girls get with... and I can do better than they are doing. I actually listen, and am patient... so I've changed stance... and believe that I'd make a good boyfriend for the right girl.

Personally I'm scared about what kind of partner I'd be. At the moment I'm affectionate, patient and giving but I suspect that's only because I'm starved of these situations. I'm afraid at some point I'd snap, and while I don't think I could ever really be abusive I'm not sure I'd be any fun to be with. By nature I'm pretty self-involved and if the ability to subdue that is something that can run out things could turn messy.

I think I'd be the partner that wants to do the right thing but does things the wrong way. So I can only hope for my partner to see what I wanted to do instead of what I actually did