Women, Aspergers and Sex Drive

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So are there a lot of you ladies with too much sex drive? I've been trying to get a sort of serious relationship with women closer to my own age and it hasn't worked out, but now you are making me think that maybe I would have much more success in a different market.

I think I am actually demisexual, but I'm not really sure. Several times when I've tried to have sex before, I had trouble getting an erection, even when I really liked the girl and I wanted to have sex. It seems gets a lot easier when I feel emotionally attached to the girl, and it also seems to get easier if we take it very slow and the girl makes her intentions very clear, but I'm basing this on very limited experience. I have been wanting to try to figure out what is going on with it because sometimes I don't have any trouble with it at all, but I don't exactly get much practice. Do you think there are some cougars who would like to let me experiment? I suppose if I have a floppy dick for a long time they will probably move on, but then I will still have learned something about myself.

I’m still not sure I get it, but if cuddling, playing enthusiastically with every crevice of her body, kissing and tasting her from head to toe, letting her play with you to her heart’s content, and giving her as many orgasms as she wants with your tongue, fingers or whatever toy you can come up with, in addition to the times when you can actually have sex with her, is not enough, then I guess it does suck

And it sucks to me especially because of how enthralling it would otherwise be

I went through the majority of my life thinking I had a low sex drive. I don't like to watch porn, masturbating is pretty pointless for me, and I don't have any mental representation of a "sexy" guy. Unlike most NT girls, I don't look through magazines and oogle at half-naked men because I was just never turned on by that. For those reasons, I used to label myself as an asexual person. Then all of the sudden I just met the right person and we hit it off right away. I still don't get turned on by porn and I couldn't care less about looking at naked men or entertaining myself with a vibrator, but when you're doing the deed with the right person it just happens on its own.

for men there doesn't necessarily have to be an emotional connection. A man can have sex with many women without having an emotional connection to any of them. For most women, there needs to be somewhat of an emotional connection. They won't sleep with any guy just because he's hot. Correct me if i'm wrong.

I have a low sex drive compared to other women, but I don't dislike it and it's definitely not a form of currency. I wouldn't "put out" all the time just to keep someone hooked.

I used to have a really high sex drive (it has declined completly now probably due to age and a problamatic birth). When I was in a relationship my sex drive usually went down rapidly. This is I feel because a lot of men I was with put on a "false pasona" to get into my pants and then once they had what they wanted they dropped the act and were no longer the person I had fallen for, so my desire for them waned as sex became purly physical.

I think part of my problem, may be that, I without thinking veered away from anyone that I might truly love, through fear of being rejected and hurt. I wish I had, had the guts to go for it with a guy before my libido disapeared, it would have been nice to have had a classic romance, I think I thought the rejection I feared might kill me.

I have a high sex drive and I orgasm very easily, but there are some things that tend to happen often in my relationships that put a damper on my urge to have sex with the other person (and ability to orgasm with them). Maybe this sounds familiar to others?

1. When the other person makes a pattern of not saying what they want and then blaming me for not intuiting something they've either explicitly rejected when I asked (and I ask explicitly about a lot of things) or not mentioned if I didn't notice it.

2. When the other person displays serious emotional instability or consistent emotional instability (I start to not feel very 'safe' around them and whether I want to or not, I back off)

3. When the other person keeps twisting reality to suit being right (when, for instance, they deny doing something they just did in order to win an argument)

4. When the other person lies to me about their motivations or pretends to be okay with something they expect me to 'grow out of' later (for instance, when they decide some aspie trait I express is really just some sort of immaturity on my part that I'll get better from)

5. When they insist on disrupting my work in order to make me 'prove' that I love or desire them

6. When they change their minds repeatedly on some topic having to do with sexuality (especially when, somehow, this is all my fault--I tell people up front that I'm kinky and poly. It's amazing how often they expect me to 'get over it' and lie about their willingness to tolerate my sexuality so that they can get close enough to 'cure' me of it.)

If those things are happening, I don't feel 'safe' and I end up withdrawing physically. I'm not unwilling to adapt, but if I go to the person and explicitly try to work it out and they reject me and/or blame me for not being 'romantic' enough because I want to talk about it, it kills my desire for that person.

I do have another problem where I go through cycles where I'm fixated on some project I'm working on (I try to moderate that and to make daily efforts to engage in some sort of affection with the person), then I finish the project and I'm ready to hump the chair for sexual release because all that focus is now shifted to sex.

If other people have this problem, what do they do about it?

What are you talking about? I know loads of women say they dislike sex.

I like sex, if only I didn't have such low pain tolerance....

Alycat: Me, either.

I'm trying not to have unrealistic standards, but if I'm having to beat myself up in order to have a sex life with the person, I feel like it's less than a good thing. And many times I'm not choosing to withdraw, I just suddenly find it very difficult to do anything with the person.

Only reason I can see for Aspie women having a lower desire to have sex than NTs is that some of us are more sensitive. E.g., I have sensory problems with someone touching my torso, it gives me physical pain. Pain = decrease in desire to have sex. Add this with a guy getting frustrated and annoyed because you're not 'putting out' then it just makes you feel worse, then I end up telling them to find someone another partner who they can touch how they like, and I can masturbate, so orgasms for everyone.

There's too much rubbish out there trying to tell us how we have to act in accordance to what, and this is true with sex. Who cares who has what sex drive, NT/aspie/male/female. If the person you want to have sex with doesn't want to have sex with you back, you have a voice box, just open your mouth and ask why, and if you don't want to have sex but your partner does, tell them why. Simple.