Being "intense." Calming down. How?

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Hey, guys.

A part of me is always really ashamed whenever I talk about Asperger's, or read the site. I don't like the term "Aspie" at all, it really gets under my skin. I guess it's because I've always prided myself in solving my own problems, and to finally run up against a brick wall gets me so frustrated. And so, as a result, I've really thrown myself into everything I'm interested in this semester in college. I'm double-majoring. I'm taking six courses. I'm working big positions for two different and time-consuming clubs. I have a big part in a play (I love acting - it has rules and regulations, tangible guidelines for social behavior, it lets me feel a lot more free than when I'm in real life, without a script to tell me how to respond to others based on varying situations). I'm starting my own business on the side and working to set that up.

In short, I'm doing a lot. And someone mentioned to me that even when I'm trying to have fun, that I'm "intense." A part of me really likes that "intensity." There's something sort of vaguely romantic about it to me, the idealist, someone who believes in something so much they disregard their own welfare for it. Problem is, though I believe in a lot of things generally, I have trouble making concrete plans come true. And I get frustrated when my lofty goals don't quite sync up, and even more frustrated when I blow conversations or get overwhelmed in situations because I don't understand what's going on in terms of how people are talking to me.

Someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life. And I said jokingly, "I want to be a superhero." But thinking back on that, that's really true, and again, I guess that's similar to being an actor. There are concrete social roles, black-and-white textbook rules for how to behave. I can do that. I can learn and follow instructions and improvise solutions on paper. So I've thrown myself into it. I've become so "intense" that I find myself no longer able to calm down. It's gotten to the point where I don't go out anymore for the joy of a night on the town - I do it to slow my brain down. I don't get drunk, I only drink one or two drinks... just enough to get my mind slightly slower, just so I can pretend to be calm. And even then, at four in the morning at a pizza joint last night, I was busy hammering away at the problems of international relations to some girl I didn't even know, who sat there dumbfounded.

I'm realizing now that that's no way to live, but I really don't know how to calm down. I like the feeling of order and structure that overworking and "intensity" gives me, it's like a drug - but some days, like with the people you see who do hard drugs, you wake up and your body just quits on you. I sat down this afternoon and couldn't think straight. It felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to my head, banging away. I sat back and closed my eyes and just muttered "I'm killing myself this way," and even knowing that, I couldn't stop. I actually smiled. I felt good about it. A part of me, a dark, incurable part of me, still wants to die before the age of thirty, having accomplished great things. It's the old Neil Young adage: it's better to burn out than to fade away, and I'm afraid a part of me believes that's true.

How do I balance this wonderful feeling of intensity, of structure, of coping, of making a difference in the world, with my own health and safety? I'm not talking about abusing substances, God knows that's the wrong solution and will only net me more problems later in life. I'm talking about finding a happy medium. How do you do it? What keeps you going day-to-day if not a hypernatural quasi-righteous drive for something more important than yourself?

In an opposite corner from that Icarian desire to fly too close to the sun, there's a quieter, perhaps more dangerous side of me, the one that curls up at night and cries "why can't I just be normal?" I hate that side of me as much as the other, but sometimes, like Warren Ellis once wrote, I want to be someone else so much it hurts.

I share in your problems. However, in my case, I have recently concentrated my energy and efforts into depression (if tihs makes nay sense). I used to be productive and all the rest - but now I can only think of the pain and darkness. These, unfortunately, are not slow thoughts, but rather a stream quick stabs which cannot be stopped.

I wish I could go back to the days of productivity and some achievement. Today I am consumed by thoughts I cannot stop. Just feel lucky that you have not slipped into the gutter yet. Relish the moments.


(yes, I frequently solve the problems of international relations, government, counter-terrorism etc. But there is no one listening. No one who cares. It drove me down knowing that no one else shared in the passion or the desire to do good by man.)