Can't Bring Myself to Cry

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She told me the other day its over, and she's moving out. She doesn't blame me for her being unhappy, she blames it on other things like money, being too far from her friends and family, all of that stuff. I knew it was coming, I did my best to make her happy but she became more and more depressed. Finally she realized things had to change, so she's moving back home. I can't help but think that I'm letting the only girl who has ever loved me as much as I loved her walk out on me. But if she believes she can find happiness again this way, then I have to let her go.

I've always had a delayed reaction when it comes to things like this. Every time someone has died I find myself unaffected by the news for several days, I watch all the group hugs, the tears, and shrug as people ask me why I'm not crying. Then just when I start to think I'm inhuman it catches up to me, and I collapse and sob. I can't describe how good it feels to just let it all out like that.

For some reason this time it just wont come... It was 3 or 4 days before I finally cried, we're still living together until she's all moved out, and yesterday we went to grab some groceries. While we were there I started to realize that soon I'd be shopping all alone... Soon I'd be doing everything alone. And it scared the crap out of me. Once my tears started to drip down my face, she began to cry too.

Since then, it's been on and off... The slightest little thing will set me off, but its only ever a few tears -- not the big break down I need. I'd do anything to just curl up into a little ball and sob like I did when I was 3. I don't get why I can't just let it all out, I'm all alone -- no one will hear me cry. But yet something still inhibits me, something inside me just wont let go...

You can try listening to a song that cuts into your soul.

- D

I have the 'delayed crying' problem also a bit. Maybe it is because the emotions are not strong enough and need time to 'build up'. It is really strange, sometimes it can takes months before I really am emotional about something.

Sometimes it makes me feel like some robot, but I DO care. And you probably care as well! Maybe that is part of your problem, that you can not show your emotions to her? I am not an expert on relations, but some people consider it strange that I do not appear shocked by some things.

For me getting caught crying is a horrible experience. All my life people made fun of me, or put me down, when I cried. I won't let people see me cry. I will only cry in private. No one is allowed to see me in that state of weakness, no matter how much it hurts.

I just don't cry...

when this type of situation arises, I just go into complete turtle mode. I don't want to talk to anyone, or even be around anyone...

I have the delayed emotion problem as well, although it has improved in the last year or two. It used to also take me months or years to be able to feel the emotional impact of something traumatic. After the hardest break-up I ever had, I went completely numb about it for over a year. By the time the emotions hit me and I actually knew how I felt (and I got hit BAD), he was long gone and there was no way to get closure any more.

I've found that sometimes actually putting your thoughts into words can be a good trigger- if you force yourself to articulate exactly what you're going through, whether to a friend or just on paper, you often end up spelling out a thought that catches you off-guard and the tears just jump out. It's the element of surprise, I suppose. I can't usually force myself to face emotions any other way.

Putting my thoughts on paper was one thing that helped... I wrote her a big letter while she was at work yesterday, and left it on her desk with a rose for when she got home. She was in tears when she read it, but never said anything about it to me. When I walked into the room to see her reading it, she just asked me if I was hungry and offered to take me out for a "special dinner."

I've tried listening to the songs that got me going the last time I was in this boat... They don't seem to do it this time around. I guess I'll have to find new songs to match this situation or something.

Yesterday we lied on the couch together and talked and cried... It lasted all morning. When lunch came we dried up our tears and went out to eat, only to come home and talk and cry some more. It was somewhat sweet, and somewhat relieving. Still not the breakdown I am awaiting. I'm starting to think that maybe its not coming because maybe I didnt care as much as I thought I did, maybe her decision to leave is the right one... I really dont know...