Is it natural to...

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...still be in love with someone after 6 years?

Basically, I developed an attraction to a particular woman (which is not easy for me, as it usually takes over a month for this to happen). I was 14 years old and had no practical experience in romance at the time, and my AS qualities were more pronounced then as well, so I was obviously rejected, but with the line of "I'm not ready for this kind of thing". However, since then, my love for her has only grown. There was one exception after we got into a fight about politics (at the time, I was extremely liberal and she was a conservative), upon which, at least for me, it turned into a love/hate relationship, but since then we've both mellowed out a bit (I've since become a moderate).

The issue is that I still love her, probably now more than ever, and while I'm pretty sure she doesn't have anywhere near the same attraction to me as I do to her, she still is attracted to me in some manner (this was proven when I started being a little "friendly" to another woman; she started expressing much more interest in me than she did before). The problem arises from the fact that I can't move on with the romantic aspects of my life, either with or without her. I've already made a move on her (albeit a half-assed one 6 years ago), and she basically gave me an ambiguous rejection (a "not now" response)...

Certainly, especially if you're not dating/meeting anyone else in between. I've been pretty much the same as you, and despite the fact that she doesn't talk to me any more, and I have a boyfriend that I love dearly at the moment, I still love her.

The best thing to do is to try again, I think, in your case. Perhaps try slowly? Gods know I'm not an expert in this sort of thing, but perhaps you could buy her some flowers and invite her out to a bar or something? No harm in trying again: perhaps if she turns you down again it'll be easier to move on and find someone who's interested in you too.

I suppose, more or less, I already gave you my view on this matter in the other thread before I knew you'd asked the question.

I think many people do not ever experience that sort of love, or else perhaps they think of it in other terms than "love". But many people would find what you're describing to be very natural indeed.

am in the same boat as you... though it's only two yrs... and i work with them... so i see them all day every day, except when i go home to be alone.

i've pasively tried dating as they come along... but it feels revolting.

I believe there is a certain amount of logic to it, but I am also afraid you are hurting yourself. If a love is just, there should be no reason for it to disappear. On the other hand it does not seem to be an love that is constructive for you. The best would be to have the love on the side, and keep it as something worthy, but not to let it control you. Just try to be happy something like it exists.

If you read my introduction post you would have seen I have a girlfriend. This is actually a long relationship of over 5 years now. However 7 years ago I met another girl, with whom I immediately had a certain recognition and a bond that was well magic. I never had or since had the feeling of being so close to someone and loving someone so much. She had a relationship at the moment though, so it never went anywhere (except for some things I should not be proud of but can't get myself to mind). Later she found another man at the same time I found my girlfriend and they have two great kids now. I still love her a lot, a whole lot after these 7 years. She is in some ways the greatest person I ever met...

...we will never be involved though.

Yes, we are friends, but since I don't want to hurt them (and her family) I try to be careful not to get too close to her. This sometimes hurts me, I don't want this kind of tension. I NEVER would want to lose her as a friend though. I am trying to be happy with what I got and actually make it an extra worth in my own relationship. After a sort of fight with my girlfriend my friend helped me get over it and again be good in my home.

Oh, both girls are aspies and they are friends as well...

Personally, if actually making the attempt didn't make me seize up, I would have made a second attempt years ago, social rules aside...


If they don't think of it in terms of love, then what would they define it as? Also, what would they define as "love" to begin with?


Yeah, you have an advantage over me there... I don't get to see her that often (more than twice a year is alot)


I would go so far as to say that love isn't constructive for me, as it's been a benefit to me in other ways... because I love her so much, I tended to keep other women at arms length during high school, which may have kept me out of some relationship that would have been abusive to me (I did get attention from some of the girls in high school, but mostly because I actually knew my s**t in hs, which gave me a huge leg-up over the competition while I was there...)

And despite the way I'm coming across in this thread, I don't necessarily let it control most aspects of my life. I work alot volunteering at my church, am enrolled full-time at college, and I tend to live my own life... the only aspect that's being controlled is the romance aspect... very few other women have ever garnered my attraction (as it takes a month for me to develop an attraction towards anyone), and of those, none of the attractions I've developed were anywhere near as strong...

It's entirely natural.

In this case I'd say go for it again. If you get in, then great, score. If she says no, then at least you now have a definitive answer and can begin to move on.

I agree with this. clarity will be your friend, even if it's not the clarity you'd like to see.

I don't think 6 years is that long of time for feelings this strong.

Especially since you are in contact, everytime you see her it will re establish something in your head.

The problem is that the last time I attempted (when I first found out that I truly loved her, which was 6 years ago), she gave me a non-definitive answer...


The thing here is that everytime I see her, the feelings are stronger, not just simply "re-established"...

That was in a much different time. If I remembered well you would have been 14 then. Relationships and interest in the other is quite different compared to 20. Besides, your contact had changed as well in that time. You grew apart in views, then back together and probably some other things happened as well.

What I am trying to say the answer might be different from then. I understand you are scared it might be negative. Clinging to something non-defitive always gives hope, losing that would be very very hard for anyone. But it will only be harder and harder with time. If the answer is no maybe you will mourn, but you can get on with your life. If not, good .

Yeah. Six years ago!

A lot changes in six years.

You've got make the choice between damning yourself to love one girl forever, or moving on.

This happens with anything you like... I think. When I haven't seen a friend in a long time, each time I see him the feeling is stronger.

If you like anything, absence should make you like it more... girlfriend, fine food and drink... a favorite video game, movie...

from what i've read... do you think you should still be with your current gf?

i have tried dating other people and have not even been able to get really mildly interested in any of them. i can't shake these feelings i have for this one guy.... but i keep trying (if only passively) cause i know i have to try something to divert myself..... and maybe i will find someone else..... idk.

but maybe these feelings mean you should try exploring more? i don't know what i would think if i knew my bf wished he were with someone else or had longings for a type of connection i couldn't give him.

Was that to me Sedaka?

oh ooops thought that was the OP....... but ya, guess i mean you