successful, close relationship with an NT? Anyone?

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viska
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11 Mar 2008, 9:07 pm

ford_prefects_kid wrote:
So...has anyone been able to feel fulfilled without that connection? Or develop it in spite of the other person not coming from the same perspective? Am I just being an idealistic idiot for thinking I need to emotionally and mentally understand and be understood by my significant other?


My answers: No, no, & no.

I don't know if I've ever met someone else w/ AS in real life, male or female. I don't know if it would actually be easier to relate with them or if our communication would be twice as bad.



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11 Mar 2008, 9:15 pm

The one relationship I had with an NT ended with her cheating on me.

This is why I prefer other Aspies. If she hadn't cheated on me, I wouldn't have a preference.


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viska
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11 Mar 2008, 9:18 pm

You probably shouldn't write off all NT women just because you've dated one and she cheated on you. Small sample size.



Tim_Tex
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11 Mar 2008, 10:16 pm

viska wrote:
You probably shouldn't write off all NT women just because you've dated one and she cheated on you. Small sample size.


She cheated on me because she found someone with a nicer car.


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zee
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11 Mar 2008, 10:36 pm

ford_prefects_kid wrote:
Belfast wrote:
My current bf & I have been together for 3 yrs. & we get along well. He may be a bit OCD, but it doesn't impair him (he functions well, whatever that threshold is for being disabled by one's label, he's not that impacted). He's certainly not ASD-I've had him take the same quizzes that I take & our scores are at opposite ends of range. He's also not ADD/ADHD, though he is a "sensation-seeker" & highly social, compared to me.

I've learned, gradually, ways to improve our relationship. We've trained each other (both by directly saying something and through subconscious repetition/practice) on how to understand each other better. Occasions where I want him to react in certain way, I struggle but make myself say "this is what I need to hear" (not in a forcing/controlling way, but in a "help me cope with how my brain is handling this" way). Plenty of moments where I've felt like "he doesn't get it, he's a total stranger"-but these pass, we talk things out & make nice.


...that's what I need to work on. It was just so much easier when the other person knew what a panic attack or these mind traps I get into feel like, so they could personally empathize. I feel like I can and want to empathize with his emotions- the last few months I think I've been very good at being supportive and responsive and patient- then my circumstances all gang up on me, and I end up locked up alone in my room because I couldn't reach out well enough to make him understand. I guess I feel like saying "I need you to do or say this right now" would be me ordering him to fake something he didn't feel for my benefit, as well as claiming justification for any vulnerability.

zee wrote:
Moreover, I think in a successful relationship the partners usually have complimentary personalities, rather than similar ones. Ie, if your partner is a good communicator then it will be easier for you as an Aspie, whereas if neither of you is a good communicator, then you'll have trouble understanding each other.


I dunno, I know we've all got a bad rep when it comes to that communication thing- but once the bond had been formed, it seemed like- for the majority of the time- it was so easy to relate and overanalyze everything together. It just seems like some people have no desire to reach for that level of communication.

Sorry if I sound negative, it's just today was yet another instance of not being connected at all.


I guess it depends on what you want out of a relationship; and people do want different things. But for myself, I'm not attracted to people I have too much in common with. And I've noticed the same about other happy couples I know. It just seems one-dimensional, and there would be nothing to offer the other person, other than a version of themselves. Like looking in a mirror, if you will.



zee
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11 Mar 2008, 10:46 pm

Hanwag wrote:
zee wrote:
I've had relationships with lots of NT guys, and one AS guy. So maybe I'm not in the best position to judge, but I prefer NTs. For one thing, they are happier and more confident, (especially if the guys on this board are anything to go by). Moreover, I think in a successful relationship the partners usually have complimentary personalities, rather than similar ones. Ie, if your partner is a good communicator then it will be easier for you as an Aspie, whereas if neither of you is a good communicator, then you'll have trouble understanding each other.


I do not agree on the communications part. Or I should say it did not work like that for me. A so-called good communicator most of the time is effectively some-one using a lot of words and sounding clear and positive. While it is nice to be around people doing that I do not think communication is automatically better. I am actually quite good with words (at least in dutch) and can explain just about everything (I have to because I am a salesman). Everything except for myself and my feelings. To my best Aspie friend (who is still better with words btw, or at least more poetic) however I am able to use just very short sentences, sometimes with double meanings and she can answer with the exact right thing even if I have no idea what that is upfront. Ofcourse there is also the fact we are of similar intelligence (though she is at least half an sd higher). To other people both of us would look like bad communicators in those conversations, just not to eachother.

Having said this I do know a lot about communication problems in a relationship, because there were some heavy emotions in mine. Some things just can't be communicated I am afraid. I am not a happy person by nature, so you are right there. On the other hand because I know what a depression is like I could bring up the strength to support my girlfriend through her worst period (several times in the hospital). I don't know if a happier person could have done that. Probably they would have just split and find someone easier. I can truly understand that, but it would not be consistent with my values. I do not believe my girlfriend would have been happier with a more complimentary person in this case.

I understand what you are saying about the complimentary part, but I think it mainly works when secondary things are concerned, for instance someone very practical can make a great combination with someone more artistic (yes, that's an r). But when it comes to things like values, sence of humor (yes, I believe this is vital) and emotional connection I prefer someone more compatible. Ofcourse this should not as a rule be another aspie. I have been interested in several other intelligent girls who had a lot in common with me. Somehow it was only the aspie girls feeling likewise.


The communications thing was only a random example, I didn't mean to say that all Aspies are bad communicators. I just think that if you have the same weaknesses as your partner, then you're not really helping each other, and your relationship will lack dynamics of give and take.
That said about weaknesses, think about your partner's strengths. Isn't that what attracts you to a person to begin with--you admire something about them that you don't have yourself? That's how it is for me, anyway.

To find someone who is too similar to me seems not only boring but somewhat narcissistic. In theory, that is.

You say you have been "interested in several other intelligent girls"--does that mean you actually had a relationship with them, or were just theorizing about it? Because obviously it's not the same thing.
You can't argue with results--if you find you're happy and understand Aspie women, then that's what works for you. But don't you think that your predisposition towards them may be affecting the results?



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11 Mar 2008, 11:44 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
viska wrote:
You probably shouldn't write off all NT women just because you've dated one and she cheated on you. Small sample size.


She cheated on me because she found someone with a nicer car.

My first wife left me when she realized I was never going to be the "meal ticket" she was hoping for. (Neither was the guy she picked, but I figured I'd let her handle that - if she hasn't realized yet that he lies as much as she does, she's dumber than I thought.)

My second wife helped me pick up the pieces. We've been together for eleven years, and two children, now; we've held it together through financial disaster, miscarriages, my unofficial diagnosis, and our third partner, my cohusband, deploying to Iraq. We're still going strong.

So yes, you can find a lasting, loving relationship with an NT. It takes an exceptional NT, but then again, there are less than one percent of us with AS, so the odds are pretty good, I'd say... :)


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12 Mar 2008, 2:41 am

My longest relationship (3 years) was with a NT.



viska
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12 Mar 2008, 8:25 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
viska wrote:
You probably shouldn't write off all NT women just because you've dated one and she cheated on you. Small sample size.


She cheated on me because she found someone with a nicer car.


All of the girls I've dated with red hair (1) have cheated on me. Does that mean I should prefer non-redheads?



Hanwag
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12 Mar 2008, 1:59 pm

zee wrote:
The communications thing was only a random example, I didn't mean to say that all Aspies are bad communicators. I just think that if you have the same weaknesses as your partner, then you're not really helping each other, and your relationship will lack dynamics of give and take.
That said about weaknesses, think about your partner's strengths. Isn't that what attracts you to a person to begin with--you admire something about them that you don't have yourself? That's how it is for me, anyway.


Ofcourse a different set of capabilities can be very useful at the very least in everyday life. But I was talking more at a basic level of connecting to eachothers feelings and values. If a complimentary partner is best for me I'd date someone only interested in looks, hating intellectual discussion, very conservative and with little feeling for other people (okay, I'm exagerating :)). I'd rather stay miles away than date such a person. Ofcourse being aspie or NT is not perfectly related to having similar values, but I do find a lot of aspies have a bit of a mind-over-matter vision I like. On the other hand I'd prefer an intelligent open-minded NT far over a conservative aspie.

Quote:
To find someone who is too similar to me seems not only boring but somewhat narcissistic. In theory, that is.


Well, actually I am so great I don't need a partner to show me that. Narcissistic?? Huh??? ;)

But as I said I don't need someone similar, but an emotional connection is important to me. For me I happened to find this in some aspiegirls (some, not all ;)).

Quote:
You say you have been "interested in several other intelligent girls"--does that mean you actually had a relationship with them, or were just theorizing about it? Because obviously it's not the same thing.


Theorizing I'm afraid. Or rather, I would have had a relationship if they wanted it. I just said this to say I am not only into aspies. For some reason I do not understand the other girls never had an interest in me.

Quote:
You can't argue with results--if you find you're happy and understand Aspie women, then that's what works for you. But don't you think that your predisposition towards them may be affecting the results?


No.

When I met the first aspie girl both of us did not have a dx (she just got it this year finally) and I believe I did not know the word Aspergers. We were never really in a relationship, but the only reason for this is that at the time she was living together. It was a bit weird situation because to any casual observer we were dating, but that is another story. She's still my best friend (now married to another and with 2 great kids).

My own girlfriend I did meet at an aspie-chat. But at the time we were both there I was having a big fight with someone else and the only reason we got on eachothers MSN was that someone else was asking for everyones adresses. Only later we started talking and only after some time of talking I got interested. Was I really after this aspie girl? I don't think so, we just found eachother. Therefore I don't have the idea I found them because of my predisposition. I was far more after several 'normal' (well, otherwise special) girls before this, but nothing happened.



spirited
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13 Mar 2008, 3:32 pm

I have had good relationships with NT men, but, those men would qualify for some psychiatric disorder, I think. Totally normal men like me, but bore me to pieces most times. I have had a few realtionships with aspie men, but I have a hard time communicating what I need in a relationship to them, and it always seemed that, when I needed emotional stuff, they needed alone time, and vice versa. I really don't think I have had a realtionship with any one who was NT. The aspie men tended to not see my point of view, accuse me of feeling a way that was different than I actually felt, and wouldn't really take further explaination. The normal's would often feel punished by my need for alone time. The older I get the more I think I will be alone forever.



zee
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13 Mar 2008, 3:41 pm

spirited wrote:
I have had good relationships with NT men, but, those men would qualify for some psychiatric disorder, I think. Totally normal men like me, but bore me to pieces most times. I have had a few realtionships with aspie men, but I have a hard time communicating what I need in a relationship to them, and it always seemed that, when I needed emotional stuff, they needed alone time, and vice versa. I really don't think I have had a realtionship with any one who was NT. The aspie men tended to not see my point of view, accuse me of feeling a way that was different than I actually felt, and wouldn't really take further explaination. The normal's would often feel punished by my need for alone time. The older I get the more I think I will be alone forever.


What about a guy who travels a lot for business--then you'd have lots of alone time without him feeling 'punished'?



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13 Mar 2008, 5:44 pm

I have been dating an Aspie for almost 6 years now. It's not easy, but like someone else already said, you have to work at it. There is a whole set of issues that comes along with bringing AS into the picture. It's about finding someone who loves you despite those issues, someone who is willing to love you for who you are, and someone is willing to work with you. There is hope =)

As a side note if there are any other AS/NT mixes out there let me know. I think we can all use the help. Other than WP there just isn't a lot out there for us.



mikecartwright
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13 Mar 2008, 7:15 pm

Yes



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13 Mar 2008, 7:18 pm

I was in a relationship with a NT man from November 2007-January 2008. He couldn't handle my self-harming issues and I was kind of like a disposable girlfriend to him.


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