Moving in with dad in Georgia?

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Well basically, the past 16 years of my life, I've probably collectively seen my dad a year. My mom spent most of our life trying to keep my brother and I away from our dad. He's lived in Atlanta since 1996, and since then whenever he came out she'd usually maybe give him six to eight hours, and very seldom we'd stay with him overnight. Most of our relationship consisted of near-daily phone conversations. Since he works for Delta Airlines, we can get free airline flights, so a few years ago I asked her if my brother and I can go. I've been asking ever since I was about 7 and every single time she'd get furious, but in '04 I said "You know what? I'm taking the bus to the airport and there's nothing you can do to stop me." Furious, but I made it out there, and I loved being in my dad's house. He cared, instead of yelling at me about things he'd talk it out with me and make sure that I knew it was out of love and not anger, and I really felt that father-son bond.

But now I'm wondering, with two years left of my childhood, should I move in with him? My mom wouldn't be happy, but I'm pretty sure I would be. Biggest of all, I'd have to switch schools. At the school I'm at now, I'm pretty miserable and it's absolutely HUGE (3,600 students, but that's medium by Southern California standards), and I feel like they're trying to dumb most things down because these kids don't really want to learn. Not to mention most of the "friends" I thought I had have turned out to be terrible, and the few people I really do care about, most of them are leaving after this semester anyway. I mean, Southern California is cool and all, but I hear Georgia schools are much better, and I'd be much more challenged, and get more help in school that I'd probably need to get through Math and Science.

But anyways, now the questions:
1. Should I stay or go?

2. Should I go in for a dx in Atlanta?

3. Has anyone ever moved schools in the summer? When's the best time to go in and register?

4. Once being taken out of a bad situation and put into a loving family, do emotional wounds eventually heal?

But anyways, now the ANSWERS:

1. Should I stay or go?

Atlanta? Go. It's metropolitan, but since it is in the south, it is affordable. In the suburbs there are good public and private schools. Maybe in the inner city too, in the right neighborhoods. There are plenty of good colleges, public, private and for-profit ("private and cheap") in the area. Lots of jobs in the whole southern region in engineering, technology, and anything industrial-related.

2. Should I go in for a dx in Atlanta?

It doesn't matter where in the US. Get a diagnosis if you think it would help you in finding jobs or support services.

3. Has anyone ever moved schools in the summer? When's the best time to go in and register?

Yes. I don't really remember much about it (nor do I want to.)

4. Once being taken out of a bad situation and put into a loving family, do emotional wounds eventually heal?

You and your mom may have to patch things up on your own. If there were some way to divide your time between the two homes, that might help her. However, there is that huge geographical distance. But of course living with dad is something you really would enjoy according to what you say. Weighing different options can be hard sometimes, but this is one of those instances where that is what you must do.

Be cautious.

Your mother has done the boring, mundane everyday stuff that real parents do, not the occasional and therefore special stuff that occurs with people you only see once in a while. Your dad is nice and caring for a visit but isnt everyone with people who visit? Had he spent 16 years with you you would have a normal relationship which includes all the not so perfect elements. Just make sure you don't over-idealize his behavior based on your experience and expect that to continue. Also, switching schools can be hard and having switched schools a lot myself, I know that they do not change much, they stay the same. So be careful of that as well, unless your father can get you into a unique school that is outside the public school system with smaller classes etc...

The last two years are probobly the most important in terms of your transcript and getting into a university of your choosing. Why not stay where you are familiar and then choose a good university near him and then try a trial run of staying with him then? This would be a truly helpful thing he could do for you as it would be helping with your higher education, costs etc...

No parent is perfect. It is really easy for a parent to befriend an adult or young adult person - thats the fun part and when they as adults get the most themselves out of a recipocal relationship. Being with and taking care of a child everyday is what your mother has done, she may in your eyes not have done a good job and may have hurt you and that is very sad but she was there everyday.

If you do go be very careful of over-idealizing his home as a happy home vs. the one you are used to. This could lead to an emotional upset at a very critical point in your life and education.

For clarity, I would write your father a letter outlining your expectations and ask him to do the same, that way when you go he can't change the rules or his expectations on you and you are both clear about what to expect and what is expected of the other.

If your dad had wanted a more active role in your childhood, he could have gone to court and gotten a visitation schedule. I don't know the whole situation, but I do know that when one parent is absent the child will idealize the parent who is gone and resent the parent who is present.

I would be careful if you decide to move, leave open the possibility of going back to your mom. Your dad might not be up for handling the parenting challenges. If he has a girlfriend or new wife, she might cause you problems too.

When I was a teenager, my family moved to another state between my sophmore and junior years of high school. I hated it so much and I thought the move was going to be cool because I thought the new town/state was going to be better. It was worse .

Yeah I've thought about that. I know my dad does spoil me a bit, but I'd go to be disciplined, unlike here. The fact that my mom keeps me from my dad so much and really beat it into me when I was younger that my dad is evil really affected me emotionally. For the younger half of my life I wasn't really sure I could trust him at all. I feel that through my day to day life, everything that my mom is has rubbed off on me, and I hate the fact that I'm turning out that way. It's selfish, greedy, unkind, and cruel.

Aside from that, I'm focusing on college, and I plan on going up North (Brown University is where I'm aiming), and the high school closest to my dad is rated much higher than the one I go to academically. I don't know if I may be thinking wrong, but I'm thinking hopefully that a family where I'm disciplined not with anger, but with words and understanding will lead me to maturing on the inside, leading me to enjoying these last two crucial years of youth left, instead of silently wishing the next two years will go by quickly, and turning into an angry, emotional wreck years down the line because "I wasn't loved enough as a kid." Also, if I want to I can always come back to visit for however long I feel is necessary, he's made that clear to me before about if I ever moved in.

My dad has talked with me about his once every two month visits and such when I was kid, and I think I understand. He wasn't making much money, and it was hard taking a 5+ hour flight each way to maybe see us for 5-6 hours just wasn't fair. Our relationship also feels much better when I'm in Atlanta than spending our time together in some rental car and at some cheap hotel close by. He had visitation hours but my mom didn't want him seeing us very often is what I've been told, but that's another story; I don't know what to believe in that. But as naive as it may sound, I'm hoping these next two years will be the discipline I've always needed, as my academics are top-notch already. I mean, what's the point of being on top if you're depressed as hell on the inside?

It may sound weird, but to sum it up, I want to experience what other kids do: a real, no-frills relationship with my father, instead of some fake Disneyland I'll-Spend-Three-Days-With-You-And-We'll-Have-All-Fun experience.

I don't hink that sounds the least bit weird, and I hope whatever you decide works out for you.

I wish you the best. Any way it goes, keep college as a goal. I enjoyed college so much better than high school.

Of course! Actually, I feel quite blessed that he lives in Atlanta and works for Delta. The Atlanta airport is a hub that gets you to just about any city, including the ones Northeast, and Providence. So in two years when I get in, instead of taking two flights (7 hours, 30 minutes+), I only need a 2 hour, 30 minute flight for my things.