You can have a successful relationship. Let me tell you how

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AussieAspie
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18 Mar 2008, 10:18 pm

I am extremely extatic at the fact that I have been able to find love with someone very special to me. After the breakup of my marriage, leaving me with 50% care of my two children. I was devestated for a long while.

Talking to people can help us a great deal, I am male 38yo & DX Aspergers and I can talk with other aspies and NT people. I met my X wife on RSVP, the internet dating site in Australia. I have always been more cofortable meeting people online than in the flesh. So I see it as a good start to a relationship, being honest and open, but not to give away all of your secrets straight away is the key.

So now I have met another lady through RSVP yet again, I shall refer to her as M. I believe M to be a NT lady, although one can never really tell. M is divorced and has full custody of three children, the yougest child, a Daughter is DX high functioning Autistic. My son is also DX high functioning Autistic.

Ok so how did I manage to meet her & fall in love? Firstly through honest and open communication through RSVP and Messenger. Secondly and very important is that you have to believe in yourself. If you like someone and you want them to know it, you need to believe that you are a good enough person, then you use your intellect to be kind and gentle toward him/her. Never be too pushy. Always ask, "Is it ok if I meet you?" on any occasion. Ask questions like, "Can I ask you a question?", "Would it be ok if I phone you?", "What kind of things do you like to do when you go out?". If you are DX aspergers, try to remain mindfull of what you are saying and how you say it. Sometimes the less said the better, don't tell her you love her on the first date. Try to smile and be happy. If your an aspie you might know that you can pretend to be normal sometimes. It doesn't mean you have to pretend forever. Be yourself and most important of all, look into his or her eyes when you speak to them. If you really like someone you will enjoy looking at them, trust me.

Well I hope some of this info can be a help to some of you. I have met M about 8 times now in person & I feel we are becoming closer each time. I am still taking things slow, I try to remember that sometimes people need space and time to think about things. So it doesn't matter much if you don't hear from each other for a while. If a person really likes you they will contact you when they are ready.



ToadOfSteel
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18 Mar 2008, 10:21 pm

Well congratulations on meeting someone that's right for you... I hope you guys have a wonderful healthy relationship...



Semi_Lost_Serenity
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18 Mar 2008, 11:02 pm

Honesty and open communication is all good and well - as long as the other person is willing to be honest and listen.

Otherwise, it's a sinking ship.

Best luck to you!


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AussieAspie
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01 May 2008, 7:28 pm

Well I should have guessed this would happen, I am so stupid! The glorious love found is allready gone :cry:
I'm still quite devestated now. Don't know where to start the story.
Ok, my Father has been seriously i'll with terminal cancer for more than 12 months. He recently had a bout of pneumonia as was addmitted to hospital. Then I get a text message from my Mum telling me he's dying now, come when you can. After I saw him I was tired and emotional when I recieved a text message from M saying "This is not working out", "I wish you well". The next Dad my dad died. I even tried to ask her hey can we be friends and I got no reply. :(



Daewoodrow
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01 May 2008, 7:37 pm

I offer my sincere condolences. I lost my father a few years ago too, also to cancer.
As for the woman, I know you must feel like crap right now, but try and remember how you felt when you started this thread. You are good enough to try again.


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Semi_Lost_Serenity
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01 May 2008, 8:37 pm

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

I lost mine last year, on the 5th of Feb. He died as a result from a brain aneurysm, which had caused two strokes. We were not that close and it is still hard on me.

The thing that keeps me going is that there's a reason for why I'm alive (autism advocacy).

Best of luck to you.


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I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost


jason_b1980
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01 May 2008, 11:14 pm

Sorry about your dad. I just lost my dad a little over a week ago, and I know how tough it can be. He had a lot of problems...Schizophrenia, Bi-polar, siezures, stomach ulcers, pneumonia, breathing problems, and he also refused to eat, drink, or get any medical attention.

Also, I know how it goes when it comes to women. Just when I think I've found someone good for me, something always happens...people interfere, they change their minds, or something comes up that causes problems for us.

For me, it's always been one problem after another. For once I would like something to go my way without anything going wrong.



Semi_Lost_Serenity
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02 May 2008, 12:08 am

Jason,

My dad also had Schizophrenia. He would go on these two year cycles of taking his meds, going off his meds, using drugs/alcohol, becoming paranoid and homeless, and running away some where and never contacted anybody until he was back on his meds again.

I know what you mean about luck not going your way.

I can't seem to get anything to go right this semester. Two cases of tonsilitis, two cases of strep throat, a case of food poisoning, and now the docs are saying I might have eye cancer (it's probably nothing to worry about, spots on eyes can be caused by anything). My healthy is in serious trouble. I have a sore on my leg that I got infected from my ankle brace (I lost the padding, oops). Cleaned it out...but it still won't heal. Blood pressure is high and no clue about my blood sugars. I need my wisdom teeth pulled out. And I can no longer afford my asthma meds ><

My oldest guinea pig died two days before my birthday. Because I had let two "friends" (see next line) baby sit my guinea pigs, my other guinea pig is skitish. The two "friends" left the older guinea pig's dead body in a cardboard in the apartment for 5 days. I was on vacation in Florida and couldn't come home.

Two people who I thought were my friends turned out to be taking advantage of me.

Mad trouble in my relationship life (solved that one - I like making Sims fall in love with each other and have twenty babies, mu ha ha ha!).

The two team members who were supposed to be helping me on the grant proposal project barely helped at all (considering what I have done) and the grant proposal is crap. I'm lucky if I'll pass that class.

Working with legal aid right now to try to get out of my apartment' lease. I had to get health inspector over here before they'd even fix the plumbing. Now there's just cosmetic repairs that need to be made. Apartment manager's are being butts. It's either I break my lease and get sued ... they won't let me sublease. If I want someone to take over my lease, I have to have them move in here. UGH!

I'm seriously hoping Florida will "turn" around my luck!


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"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost


AussieAspie
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02 May 2008, 12:16 am

Thankyou everyone for your condolences. I can understand where you are coming from Jason.



Caravaggio
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02 May 2008, 12:16 am

Meh, I couldn't get a date even if I had $1k to pay a girl to go out with me on one.



northern_light_girl
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02 May 2008, 8:15 am

AussieAspie wrote:
Well I should have guessed this would happen, I am so stupid! The glorious love found is allready gone :cry:
I'm still quite devestated now. Don't know where to start the story.
Ok, my Father has been seriously i'll with terminal cancer for more than 12 months. He recently had a bout of pneumonia as was addmitted to hospital. Then I get a text message from my Mum telling me he's dying now, come when you can. After I saw him I was tired and emotional when I recieved a text message from M saying "This is not working out", "I wish you well". The next Dad my dad died. I even tried to ask her hey can we be friends and I got no reply. :(


I am so sorry about your father. My condoleances to you and your family.

Sweetie, listen. As you know, life has a funny way of sometimes piling up either bad things or good things. Please separate the tragic event in your life regarding your dad from her TIMING in sending you that message. She couldn't have known it would come at such a bad time. I'm not sure whether you told her anything about the last developments in family situation, did she have an idea of what was going on in the past few weeks or days? Did she understand it was THAT serious? When you ask her to be your friend, if she still doesn't know what's going on, she can't know WHY you need this from her right now. How could she know?

I am intrigued about a few things. Assuming she knew a bit about your dad's illness but not how seriosu it had become, if you were very tired maybe she could have felt neglected? Did you have a bad exchange of words with her, did you say something that could have upset her? And not knowing WHY, she could have interpreted it the wrong way? Or was it something even before..like a slowing down of the "chemistry" in the relationship?

If you think her message could have been motivated by a recent breakdown in conversation -something she took the wrong way...maybe you could gently let her know what the situation is (without dumping it on her, without making her feel like now she has to communicate back..that would scare her). But just let her know you're sorry if there were angry things said, that you were going through a hard time (mention here that your dad passed away) and that this is not your usual self..Be cool and composed about it. Don't expect anything from her and allow her to understand that. If she trully IS that special lady for you, she'll FEEL it too and come back. If not, that's ok. Move on, beautiful. Don't waste more time on her.

***I'm also intrigued why after 8 dates, she'd choose to end it with a txt message. I know many people do that (me guilty too :? ) but it suggests she's uncomfortable about something. Don't be mad with her inability to do better...it's her problem. Again, not sure why it ended at all -chemistry issue or something else.

Take care!



AussieAspie
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04 May 2008, 1:41 am

Thankyou Northern Light Girl for your interest in this topic, and your words of kindness. You sound like a pretty level headed and intelligent person. I feel I need to explain more about the circumstances leading up to the point of being dumped.

I have mulled this over a lot and this is what I think.

Before I told her my Dad was very I'll, M had told me some very serious news of her own. She and her family had all been summoned to a court trial, and it involves something very personal to her which started a long time ago, as a teenager. I can't elaborate on every detail but it concerns abuse by a church organisation against her and her sister. Now this news was quite a shock to me alone. What she said was that she needed time to get over reliving that past trauma throughout the period of the trial. Which I understood ABSOLUTELY and I felt concerned and compasionate for her. Now although its obvious that her knowing how my Dad was dying would definately add to her own distraughtness. It was also obvious that I had to let her know what was happening with me, and I guess the combination of all those stresses was to much for her to cope with. I don't blame her at all. Its all very sad really :cry: I felt like I wanted to help her and comfort her but at the same time she needed space. I just wish that she would still talk to me and be friends but I guess she is still quite traumatised. Any attempt I could make to contact her now would make things worse.