I'm gonna phrase this as gently as possible...

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...I want my father to die.

Before you judge me though, let me at least explain why.

On Bastille Day of 2005, me and my family went to a sandwich shop for lunch. I didn't wanna go at first, until Dad said that mom was treating. Well, choosing to go resulted in 2 things happening that put my father on my Permanent Revenge Pending list.

Firstly, my hugest pet peeve when me and the family are out to eat at a place where a wait-person takes your order, Dad always, and I mean, ALWAYS, makes it his business to alert me when it's my turn to order, even if I AM paying attention! That makes it clear to me that he thinks that since I have Asperger's, I'm incapable of TUNING IN TO THE WORLD AROUND ME!! Well, this time, I was ready, and I immediately jumped in with an order for a tuna melt...but Dad said we were just ordering drinks at that moment. So I simply ordered a water...but when the actual time came to order...guess what? He said "Jeff, your turn." I almost upset my water glass on purpose, but I held my temper and ordered only a plain grilled cheese, which I didn't even eat most of.

And second and lastly, when it was time to leave and pay the bill, Mom said we could pick out any dessert we wanted, so after I asked for a slice of black forest cake {which I didn't even end up eating} I wandered around the empty tables for a bit, waiting for mom to finish. While browsing, I found 2 packets of strawberry jelly on a table, and I though "that would be good on my English muffins tomorrow", so I put them in my pocket and went to join my family. As I did...here it comes...

Dad asked me "what did you put in your pocket?". I told him the truth, and showed him the packets. And his first response was...'That's stealing!'

WTF??! !

I tried to explain that it wasn't like I stole a tip off of an empty table, but he said "It doesn't matter if it's jelly or a fifty-dollar tip; it's stealing!" And he wouldn't SHUT UP ABOUT IT, no matter how hard I tried to protest that there were plenty of packets of jelly made EVERY DAY! Even my brother Dave tried to support me, because he sensed I was on the verge of a meltdown! But when we assembled in the car while arguing, my dad, in a SUPREME moment of ignorance, just waved his hand dismissively and said simply "whatever"....

I...came...a...gnat's wing away...from CREAMING HIM!! !! ! In that simple 'w'-word, he labeled me as a COMMON THIEF that didn't give a S**T about the rules of society!! !

I got so upset, I demanded to go back in the place to return the f***ing jelly packets, but they said no, because they thought I'd have made a scene! So what did I do? I secretly took off my watch, which was worth 40 dollars {a thousand times more valuable then a jelly packet] and secretly threw it out the window of the car while we were doing 50. I mean, hey, I got that watch for Christmas from my parents; not my loss.

So there you have it. I don't give a damn if you guys are gonna label me a mean-spirited, ugly, son of a B*TCH, because it doesn't matter if I'm boiling mad or perfectly calm...

...I WANT MY FATHER DEAD!! !

have you tried telling him how you feel?
Take the anger out of it, and just tell him how dehumanizing it is to only be seen as your disorder, as opposed to who you are as an individual.

You're still you: AS just means the psychological community has deemed you so worthy of aid that they gave your combination of natural quirks and difficulties a big name and a bunch of gov funding. You shouldn't be treated any differently where at all possible, just respected for how hard you work to get through each day.

I think it makes you impulsive, and angry . . . and that it would be hatefull and terrible of you to act on it.
But feeling it, that's mostly just human.

It sounds like he struggles from the same things you do, in a sense--latching on to certain things that to others seem trivial, and not being able to let go. I know that's how meltdowns often manifest for me.

I don't wish to minimize your pain, or to say that it's an ok for him to treat you this way, but uselessly informing you that it's your turn to order, if you really had a healthy handle on things, probably wouldn't inspire rage. . . especially rage that still comes up fresh years after the fact when the story is retold.

It's not like it's your job, but it seems like you would both be better off if:

you could understand why he irrationally latches on to something--like an absolute idea of what makes stealing--and were able to relate to it. .

and he could understand why you irrationally latch on to something--like a pet peeve on being treated disrepectfully in certain ways--and learn to relate to that. . .

Perhaps then it would be easier to not escalate things in this way--to emotionally violent outbursts and painful accusations and wishing someone less of life.


I am sorry that this is so hard for you. It sounds terrible.

Stay away from them as much as you can, unless have get-out clause for leaving immediately if things start getting tense.

I had a long period of hating my dad, until my late twenties/early thirties, and then more recently a period of loathing my mother. Which is not over yet. ( I am 44 years old) .

Seeing them would often result in "meltdowns" of one kind or another, throwing crockery off teatable, or crying, having to expensively change transport tickets to leave after a visit which was supposed to go on another three days but i simply couldn't bear being in same house as her, or screaming, or repeatedly shouting at my mother in a carpark that she was a liar. etc... ...

Last year miraculously managed a visit , staying in a caravan 10 miles away for safety , during which had two lovely conversations with my dad, ( his own introversion/aspieness was so much more understandable after coming to terms with my own), and managed, by barely exchanging three words with her, not to have a meltdown with my mother.

I haven't quite worked out enough why my mother pisses me off so much. It helped when i worked out that she was as fakily feminine as i used to be when i still tried to be, that she may be an aspie in the disguised female kind which is so aggravating, false, artificial etc.

She has obsessive control issues like me, she has a pathetic girly style voice and grimacing smile, ( it used to be lovely/glorious/"radiant" when younger, just like mine! ... ), like I so often have/"do", she is so literal minded ... ... yes, i think she's probably the most annoying kind of aspie; the hidden kind, ( and it's def in her family cos she had a sister who was autistic and lived at home all life till put in home when mother died) .

Your dad's insistence on it being "stealing" even when is just table-packets of stuff etc is so aspie. His control of the ordering process is so aspie, ( i recognise that one too), etc... have you thought that perhaps that's what drives you nuts?

I used to wait for them to understand me, to apologise to me ( for all the past injustices and negative judgements). I used to explain myself to them in the hope that they would "see" and change. But it never happened. So if i can't be sure of escape hatches for meetings/visits, I don't see them. And I no longer think that they will suddenly "get it" and say sorry.

It helped a lot last year finding out about aspergers because their uninformed treatment of me as a child seemed suddenly more understandable. They didn't know. Taking the position that "they didn't know" helps me a lot actually. They are/were really in the dark.

They are as lost as me. And as prone to being "superior" and criticising because of their own permanent , (aspie ? ), anxiety and confusion as I am. But I am still not going to see them without an eject seat/escape hatch at all times.

Last edited by ouinon on 22 Apr 2008, 9:30 am, edited 2 times in total.

I too have wanted to my father to die. I've wanted him to lose his mental faculties and slowly succumb to Alzheimer's Disease, which I've come to regret. I'm so glad I haven't allowed myself to act while burning up with rage. . I've wanted to do a lot of things to a lot of people, none of which I have actually done. If you do violence against a family member, you've done it forever and it will be with until you're brought to book for it on Judgement Day. No one will be able to hide from their sins while being judged by God.

That's my perspective on this matter. I hope it was helpful, OP.

These things your father did seem to me, personally, a low threshold for loathing him.

Then again, everyone is different, and react to situations depending on who they are. So although I cannot relate, I just want to say: Keep a stiff upper lip.

I'm sure in your heart of hearts, you love your father dearly, and the feeling is mutual. Fathers can be overly harsh and critical at times, for sure. But ultimately it is probably what helped you build the most character and gain worthwhile wisdom!

- D

PS: Send me a personal message if this escalates to any sort of blatant physical or psychological abuse. I'll go kick his ass for you!

I think that you might be over reacting a bit, but everyone gets angry at their parents sometimes.

Yes, but not everyone has contemplated the murder of their parents.

Some of us actually have.

Can you see that you both might've acted a bit childishly?

I notice that you were upset with him for telling you when it was your time to order, and that made you angry/offended, but when you ordered you actually didn't realize that it was just the drinks order (which is a fairly routine thing in restaurants). Perhaps you DO have issues sometimes with little things like this, and it embarrasses/angers you, and it's hard to have it pointed out by someone you don't respect, especially if - heaven forbid - they might be just a little bit right? Or maybe - another option - maybe you were so nervous about being with them that you got flustered/distracted?

About the jelly packets - I do that all the time. I guess I have my own special ideas about "ethics" - any condiments in single-serve packets are fair game, in my world. I don't take ALL of them. But if I could use a few for my lunch later, they go into my purse. I've worked in restaurants. Nobody notices/cares/minds - unless you take the whole tray, or a big bottle of ketchup or something.

I think it's rather funny that your father went ballistic about the jelly packets, but wouldn't allow you to return them to the restaurant because you might "make a scene" - after he'd already made one himself.

That watch you threw away? That's called "cutting off your nose to spite your face." You wanted to hurt them, but hurt yourself instead. You were acting irrationally. That's not horrible, and I'm not judging you. Half my life is irrational, it seems some days!

It sounds like your dad has issues, definitely. Seeing your age, I would suggest limiting contact with them. It's the only thing that helped with me, really. If people make me feel horrible and crazy, then I get as far away from them as possible - at least far enough away so I can calm down and figure out what happened, or what the lesson was.

You strike me as a very sensitive person with a strong sense of justice and fairness. I can see why these interactions with your parents can be stressful for you. I hope you can learn to not be quite so reactionary and emotional in your response to them.

Honestly, when you said you wanted your father to die, I was expecting to read how he's hit you, burnt you with cigarettes, called you a whore, sexually abused you, threw you out on the streets, etc etc etc. I didn't expect a story about him being a bit of a compulsive prick at a restaurant.

I hope you can find some humor in all this, eventually.

I'm reading a great book by Byron Katie right now. She has several. Pick any of them and see if they don't help you, a little. They're helping me. I've wanted several people DEAD DEAD DEAD for years. It's not a helpful, joyful, loving way to live. And those horrible people have a habit of not dying for YEARS, just to spite me!

Good luck.

ETA: Oh wow - I did not focus on the fact that this happened three years ago?! !?

Just, wow.

Last edited by sinagua on 22 Apr 2008, 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

have you thought that maybe he also has AS?

Couple points:
1) I consider taking the jelly home to be stealing. It would be different if you ordered toast or some other bread and didn't finish it, so you were taking them both to eat later (or if you had just asked someone who worked there if you could take a couple).

I wouldn't have made a big deal about it, but when I'm with someone who does that, it makes me feel uncomfortable.


2) Have you considered the genetic source of your AS? Maybe your father is on the spectrum and part of his daily script involves ordering food. I'm fairly certain my mother is AS and that her father was AS (he's dead) and at times she speaks horribly about him. I think they're just AS in different ways and that she resents the fact that he never really understood her.

And this happened 3 years ago, and your still mad at some stupid thing your dad did, Get over it!
Wishing your parent dead or to slowly die of of alzheimers is F&%ked in the head, so what if he's being a jerk, it sounds like your were being a petulant little baby, and your what 35 years old, I am sorry for ranting at you, but you sound exactly like my sister, so it hit very close to home. I had watch my sister attack my dad who was 78 years old, punching him out, and wishing he was dead, or that he would have died of alzheimers instead of our mother, all this was on christmas eve 2 years ago, my dad never seen it coming, and she really regretted doing it after. My dad passed away last year and is really missed now that he's gone. Your an adult and you should try not to have so much venom against your dad, it sounds like he has some issues to, your wishing may come true, then how would you feel, think of how your mom would feel. My dad, although he wasn't diagnosed, he definitely had alot of aspie traits.

Back, and I still feel the same way I did last night, and that's calm and collected. With that in mind, I'd like to respond to some of your responses, in no particular order:

Jainaday - Well, I don't consider myself human; I'm a sub-human whose feelings don't matter.

Dracula - you're wrong. Deep down, I hope my father has a chest-buster and winds up as a vegetable, doing me a favor.

slowmutant - Hey man, don't regret it! Be happy! *huggles* At least you got your wish, I'm assuming. And don't worry, I promise that whatever happens to my dad will not be brought on by my own hand. It's a thousand times better when hateful wishes come true by fate, IMO.

computerlove - Nah, he's not an Aspie, just an a**hole. Although, he *has* had a lot of experience working with lots of mentally handicapped children, as a teacher for 30 years.

t0 - *cocks an eyebrow* Are you a heavily religious Christian too? Because that's why I think Dad reacted that way; from being raised in an overly Christian family, and it got POUNDED into his head that stealing of ANY kind is wrong. That to me, is the WORST kind of child abuse - growing up in TOO religious a family.

I'll be back later, I guess

'Get over it'? Only an ignorant person would say something like that. You don't know my father, sir. True, he's never sexually or physically abused me (if you don't count disciplinary slaps to the face as physical abuse), but he's prejudiced against Aspie's and thinks them all as mental f**k-ups. Believe me, when he dies, he will CERTAINLY go to Heaven, as a reward for all the BULLS**T I've put him through.

An eye for an eye, I say. If someone hits you, physically or psychologically, you hit back, do you not?! So why should I not strike back very hard, against my dad who labeled me as a common thief?

How will I feel when he dies? Like a 16 ton weight coming off my chest! All of my baggage will finally be gone! Though I will admit, your sister DID go too far. I would NEVER hit a senior citizen, no matter how severe the provocation! And sure, I'd feel sad for my mother, because she's totally innocent. Unfortunately though, in my family tree, wives tend to die sooner then the husbands.

My mother deserves to be mourned...he doesn't.

If you hate him so much what about moving out? Is it humanly possible?

( my previous post I have to admit assumed, seeing the level of hostility , and in the absence of evidence/details to the contrary, that a 35 year old would no longer be living with his parents. I have now read some of your other threads. )

Last edited by ouinon on 22 Apr 2008, 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ignorant! well I have been called worse, I am going ignore that, because I really don't want to attack you.
I just wanted to give you some criticism about the things you said, and how they can come back and bite you in the ass, I am using my sister as a example, on how she regretted her actions and the words she said, she feels alot of guilt and remorse over her actions, which I don't think she will ever forgive herself. I think the only reason I replied to your post is that I saw that your hurting, and don't wish any harm to you, I have heard this talk before from my own family, who were very dysfunctional, for example, it wasn't christmas without dad being drunk and the turkey getting drop kicked into the fireplace, or the christmas tree being thrown out to the curb on christmas morning, it was hell, but I bet alot of people here on WP have gone though similar things with their family's during the holidays. What I really want to say is its not good to carry around this anger and hate for your father for so long, on reading back on other posts I see your still living at home, under your fathers roof, now he maybe a complete jerk at times, but most fathers would tell their kids to get out when they turn 18, regardless if they had medical or emotional issues, and that says alot for his feelings for you.

Last edited by spudnik on 22 Apr 2008, 12:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.