Teoka wrote:
There is a difference between using AS as a legitimate explanation and as a ridiculous excuse. Saying that you freaked out in the middle of a crowded street due to your AS is plausible, but saying that you shot up a school because of your AS is bull.
Again, I would have left if I wasn't so anxious. It's hard to explain, but getting up in front of the class alone would just make me want to shrink back into my seat. Gotta love GAD =_=
Hmm, it sounds like maybe you really were stuck. I can really sympathize with the anxiety aspect.
I think where some of us are getting stuck is the idea that you were too stressed to leave the class, but were able to stand up against the teacher, which is arguably more stressful. But when I think about it, if you were too paralyzed to move, your only option was to lash out. As I and many other people have said, the most logical thing to do would have been to leave. But, how exactly were you supposed to get calm enough to think rationally in that situation? If you were so panicked that you couldn't think clearly at the time, then being told repeatedly 'you should have used better judgement' is not particularly useful advice. You were stuck in an impossible situation, and you reacted as well as you could, given the circumstances.
But, I still think it's not fair to totally blame the teacher. I feel that he acted in a reasonable manner; just because he had been told of your difficulties doesn't mean that he'd been told how to deal with them. Sure, he didn't handle himself in the best possible way, but you didn't either. He's human; he makes mistakes, just like everybody else.
Since, IMO, neither of you could really have helped the situation, blame shouldn't be assigned. What should be focused on is how the situation could be changed, to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Yes, he's no longer your teacher, but I can say with certainty that you will have to deal with situations like this again, unless you give up and resign yourself to being hopelessly disabled. I would hate to see that, since you seem like a smart person.
There's five ways that I can think of that the situation might have been avoided.
1) You could have skipped the class, knowing that you were feeling horrible and likely to have a meltdown if stressed. There's no shame in this - I've done it regularly at times when I needed to. The key is for you to arrange to catch-up on what was missed on your own. So long as you take responsibility for that, then it's perfectly reasonable not to go into a situation that you're pretty sure will end badly.
2) You and the teacher could have arranged an agreed-upon signal to tell the teacher to leave you alone, that you weren't being rebellious about the test, but were feeling overwhelmed. I do this with all my teachers, and it works very well. The hard part is getting your teachers to trust that you won't abuse the signal. Saying 'you have to, because I'm disabled' is a very bad idea, and will make the most reasonable teacher nervous about you. That's what people who really are abusing the system say; lumping yourself with those fools is a bad idea.
If 'you must' is the only way to get the teacher to agree, be extremely careful about using it. So long as it's very obvious that you only use it when you absolutely have to, and are hesitant even then, you will gain the teacher's trust. Once the teacher trusts you, then you can start to use it more frequently. And once you gain a reputation for being trustworthy, then even people who haven't met you yet will be more inclined to listen to your needs.
3) You could have had a better exit strategy. Here are the steps I take to minimize the stress of leaving a class part way through:
-> At the beginning of every term, I approach all my teachers individually outside of class time and warn them about the possibility of melt-downs. I tell them that I can handle myself, and will leave if I'm starting to lose control. If I do get up and leave the class, please ignore me and keep teaching. I will take responsibility for catching up on anything I miss. I never had a teacher who didn't agree to this right away.
-> When I fear that I may have a meltdown, I try to sit near an exit. That way I don't have to travel as far to leave, and attract less notice. In the right classroom layouts, people may not even notice you leaving.
-> I arrange to have access to a 'safe' room, a quiet place where I can go, no questions asked, to have a meltdown. I can go in, cry and stim to my heart's content, and then leave when I'm done, without talking to anybody about it.
This is something, IMO, which is okay to get demanding about. It's usually really easy to do and it actually means less work for the counsellor. It's ridiculous to ask someone who regularly has anxiety attacks to explain herself every time she needs to calm down. If it's something important, then I'll talk to the counsellor. If it's just me being autistic, why waste everyone's time and make me feel even more stressed from interacting with people, when I really just need everyone to leave me alone?
4) You could have given the teacher a list of instructions on how to recognize a meltdown coming on, what to do to help prevent it from happening, and what to do when it does happen. As several other people have said, he acted in a sensible manner, he couldn't have known that this or that wasn't helpful, blah blah blah. If you give him a list of what to do that is clear and understandable, he no longer has this excuse.
Simply saying that you have this or that diagnosis isn't really enough. He won't look up how to handle them on his own time, and it really isn't fair to expect him to. But if you give him a list, that has been looked over and approved by the counsellor, then he has no excuse.
Now, if I guess correctly, you're going to balk at the 'approved by counsellor' part. You don't like your counsellor, that's fine. I don't know the issue is which makes it hard to comment. Put literature in front of her face that basically states what should be done during a meltdown, and she pretty much has to agree with you, or you really do have grounds to launch an official complaint.
The book
Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments is a pretty good guide to meltdowns, if a bit unflattering. It gives pretty good instructions on how to deal with meltdowns, and actually has a list of teacher behaviours that make things worse, including '
Using sarcasm', '
Acting superior', '
Using degrading, insulting, humiliating or embarrassing putdowns', and '
Backing the student into a corner'. With this, you actually CAN prove that what the teacher did was not helpful, though he wouldn't likely be reprimanded since he can honestly say he didn't know.
Clicking on the underlined name will take you to a site that sells it. Be warned, the book is actually designed to deal with students a bit younger then I think you are. But if you are willing to risk a bit of patronizing, then you can use it to bring the counsellor onto your side in the future.
5) This is the hardest one and I still struggle with it. It isn't something that you always have to do, and I wouldn't blame you if you choose not to. I'm being very honest here, and not pulling punches.
You could have gone to the teacher and apologized for disrupting the class after you had calmed down.
I suspect that you will find this absolutely outrageous, and possibly proof that I have no idea what you're going through. You didn't have control, the teacher pushed you to it, you're depressed, and it’s horrible and unfair. You have Asperger's and GAD, and life is hard and you're always struggling.
I know that, I've been there, and in some ways I still am. Life isn't fair, and it hurts. I hate having meltdowns, and losing control. I hate living in a world that doesn't always make sense, and punishes me for not understanding it. I hate being misunderstood, being judged, being forced to conform to nigh-impossible standards.
All I can say is that it got easier after awhile. I am starting to get it, and I'm actually starting to outperform the NT's around me, and it's wonderful. I'm sure you can do the same.
One thing I've learned it the importance of taking responsibility. Yes, when you were in the situation you may have been stuck, but there were steps you could have taken to prevent it. You are not helpless, you are smart and capable, and you can take control of your fate. It's hard, but you can do it.
I'm not asking you to take full responsibility for the situation; some of it belongs to the teacher, for aggravating the situation, and some of it belongs to the counsellor. It's her job to help you with situations like this, not leave you floundering on your own. There are steps that she also could have taken to prevent it from happening.
I'm not asking you to say that the teacher did nothing wrong. He did make things worse, there's no question. He could have been more sensitive, he could have looked up your diagnosis, he could have done a lot of things. It's okay to be angry at him for his part, even though it isn't all his fault.
What I am asking you to do is to take responsibility for your own actions. The class was disrupted, and you did have something to do with it. You also could have taken steps to prevent it. Some of it does belong to you, there's simply no getting around that. You had had a meltdown before, you could have predicted this. I'm really sorry to say this, because I know it's unfair. Yeah, it's easy for me to say you could have done this or that, because I've had a ka-jillion years to practise and test things out. But for me, the first step was to take responsibility for what was mine, and then figure out what I could do about it.
When you do accept your part, it's also important to forgive yourself. You did what you did with the best of intentions and to the best of your ability. It's okay to let it go, to accept you lost one battle, then move on to keep fighting the war. I'm sure you have learned a lot from this experience, and will do better in the future.
If you did apologize for your actions to the teacher, for the part that you could have done better, then you are proving that you really weren't being a brat, that you are struggling with a disability and that you really want to do better. It's incredibly hard to be this honest, and sometimes it can leave you exposed for attack, but it can salvage the situation when all else is lost. It also makes people incredibly sympathetic - to admit weakness, but still take responsibility for what you can, is viewed by many as quite noble.
If exposing yourself this way will only lead to being attack while you are vulnerable, then don't do it. Keeping yourself safe should come first. But if you can, I'd really recommend it.
10 May 2008, 8:31 pm
