can someone help me with a kid quandary?

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digger1
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18 May 2008, 6:32 pm

I love my baby Olivia. I've never loved anyone or anything so much in my life. I can't imagine the same being true in the for anything or anyone else. When she was first born, I just felt so warm and fuzzy and so close to her. I'm worried that if we have another kid, I wouldn't feel that same way about him or her and that the love I have for Olivia will diminish and I won't be able to spend as much time with her as I would like. I have plans for when she's a little older.

So, should I consider having another kid of just go ahead and get the vasectomy?



Willard
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18 May 2008, 7:25 pm

digger1 wrote:
I'm worried that if we have another kid, I wouldn't feel that same way about him or her and that the love I have for Olivia will diminish


Infatuation fades, Obsessions cool. Love does not diminish. You do not have a finite amount of love to give to your children. Love for your kids is the only self-renewable resource you have, literally, the more you give, the bigger the reservoir gets. I know that sounds like a greeting card sentiment, but it's true.

digger1 wrote:
So, should I consider having another kid of just go ahead and get the vasectomy?


I don't recommend ever making decisions you can't unmake. You never know what your life will be like ten years from now and what you might want to do. There are many better methods of birth control than self-mutilation.



annie2
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18 May 2008, 7:35 pm

I have three kids, and even though you think you mightn't have the same love, you still do. They are all special and unique, and I have equal love for all of them. I must admit that while pregnant, each baby was an unknown, but as soon as they were born, that same love for each of them started growing.

What may also help is to think about things through Olivia's eyes and also from a 20-years-from-now standpoint. Olivia will end up growing up, leaving home and finding love with other people as well. You will have to "let her go" at some point, so with that perspective in mind, it may be good to consider other children. Also, would another sister/brother not be a great relationship for her (and you) to have through life, and be another person that she will have around when she's older (eg. my Dad died when I was 34, so the fact that I have a sister means a lot to me).



mom2bax
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18 May 2008, 11:20 pm

while each person has to make that choice for themselves, my personal opinion is that siblings are good for kids. my daughter has helped my AS son with imagination alot.
i notice a huge difference between only children and those with siblings in the program that i run. Those with siblings are generally more considerate, and patient of others. also as a girl and having a little girl myself, i always wanted a younger sibling to "take care of", and my doughter loves to be a little mommy and would like a baby around.
and siblings can help to keep each other occupied when i need a little mommy time or cleaning time etc.

before you have another one it is hard to believe that you could ever love another as much but love does not deminish and divide but rather is multiplied.

if you are concerned the option is to wait a bit between kids there's no rule that says they have to be close in age, but you woldn't want them too far apart either, you can wait a few years so you can enjoy each and every moment that you feel may be divided with another child and then get to do it all over again while experiencing new things as your daughter grows too.
kids do so much in the first few years and while it never stops it does slow down.

from what i have also noticed about people who were only childern is that they either seem to have no children and are focused on other things or rarely to never have only one child themselves and i think that can speak volumes too.



digger1
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18 May 2008, 11:31 pm

annie2 wrote:
You will have to "let her go" at some point.


NEVER!

Even if I have to chain her to something...

:( I just don't want her to grow up.



Aspie1
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19 May 2008, 1:58 am

digger1 wrote:
annie2 wrote:
You will have to "let her go" at some point.
NEVER!
Even if I have to chain her to something...
:( I just don't want her to grow up.
Not to spoil your motherly love moment, but I find this statement very disturbing. And what's the deal with chaining your daughter, and never letting her grow up? 8O:?:x Are you actually planning on restricting her independence when she gets older, enough to make it inconvenient for her to hang out with her friends or even enjoy little moments of freedom? My parents did that to me while I was growing up, and I still haven't forgiven them. (Pausing to hear: "because they loved you and cared about you".) Please look at the "don't want her to grow up" from Olivia's perspective, and try to understand how it might feel to her. As much as I can understand how you feel, this is not a healthy attitude. Yeah, I know: I'm not a parent. Go ahead and rag me about it!

digger1 wrote:
I'm worried that if we have another kid, I wouldn't feel that same way about him or her and that the love I have for Olivia will diminish and I won't be able to spend as much time with her as I would like. I have plans for when she's a little older.
Ironically, I had the opposite problem. My older sister was the family favorite, and I was the pariah. She got more freedom, choices on what to eat for dinner, better treatment, and very few punishments. I got none of that. Just something to think about...



Last edited by Aspie1 on 19 May 2008, 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

annie2
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19 May 2008, 1:59 am

digger1 wrote:
annie2 wrote:
You will have to "let her go" at some point.


NEVER!

Even if I have to chain her to something...

:( I just don't want her to grow up.


"If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it was yours.
If it doesn't, it never was." (Unknown quote)

And I hope you are joking about chaining her to something.



ouinon
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19 May 2008, 3:55 am

Aspie1 wrote:
I had the opposite problem. My older sister was the family favorite, and I was the pariah.
Me too.

In my case a younger sister who was almost always good/well-behaved/obedient and considerate and sensible and quiet and sensitive to others and responsible and older than her age, and to whom I was perpetually compared and contrasted, and came off worst.

I too seemed to be the family pariah, black sheep, but also scapegoat for disfunctions of my parents and sister; their obsessive control issues, interminable decision making, apparent need to always leave at last moment in stressed state for things, demands for quiet, rigid/fixed routines, (until change, and then rigidly something else), ... which I used to hate/hold in contempt, and now "am/do" as much as they did! :wink: :(

I managed to remember, a couple of years ago, as clearly if I was there again, how much I loved/adored my mother ( unconditionally etc) before my sister was born when I was 18 months old.

I had invested huge amounts of energy in understanding her, ( my mother ), in responding to her in all her anxiety and insecurity and need for reassurance, in "being there" for her, to make it alright, because she was so fundamentally scared, so dependent on other people to know what was right, what she should do, etc.

I had concentrated much of my developing brain power on decoding that, on providing the responses which calmed her, pleased her, made her happy, ... and suddenly my sister arrived, and everything changed.

I cut her off. I stopped decoding her. By the time I was teenage I could no longer describe what she was like to anyone. She was like a grey blur. When a friend at college asked me what my mother was like I was slightly amazed to find I didn't know.

Or maybe it wasn't my sister's arrival, but the classic 18-month AS onset? ! ? :idea: :?:

Anyway, siblings not always welcome additions to family. She was always getting me in trouble because she wouldn't lie to my parents , because she was so tidy, so "nice". She was also the person I most bullied in my life. She must have found my parents easy in comparison. No wonder she sided with them against me anytime. :(

:study:



Last edited by ouinon on 19 May 2008, 7:33 am, edited 2 times in total.

ster
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19 May 2008, 5:31 am

I, too, thought that i could never love someone as much as my first child. but i do. i went on to have 2 more kids.....don't rush into a decision .



digger1
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19 May 2008, 9:00 am

Aspie1 wrote:
digger1 wrote:
annie2 wrote:
You will have to "let her go" at some point.
NEVER!
Even if I have to chain her to something...
:( I just don't want her to grow up.
Not to spoil your motherly love moment, but I find this statement very disturbing. And what's the deal with chaining your daughter, and never letting her grow up? 8O:?:x Are you actually planning on restricting her independence when she gets older, enough to make it inconvenient for her to hang out with her friends or even enjoy little moments of freedom? My parents did that to me while I was growing up, and I still haven't forgiven them. (Pausing to hear: "because they loved you and cared about you".) Please look at the "don't want her to grow up" from Olivia's perspective, and try to understand how it might feel to her. As much as I can understand how you feel, this is not a healthy attitude. Yeah, I know: I'm not a parent. Go ahead and rag me about it!

digger1 wrote:
I'm worried that if we have another kid, I wouldn't feel that same way about him or her and that the love I have for Olivia will diminish and I won't be able to spend as much time with her as I would like. I have plans for when she's a little older.
Ironically, I had the opposite problem. My older sister was the family favorite, and I was the pariah. She got more freedom, choices on what to eat for dinner, better treatment, and very few punishments. I got none of that. Just something to think about...


I'm telling a lot of people to piss off lately. This douche is no exception.

Nice how this person edited her post.

Of course I'm kidding, moron! :x



Last edited by digger1 on 19 May 2008, 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sinagua
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19 May 2008, 10:27 am

Due to my issues, my husband's issues, and our son's issues, we will not be having any more children. I think it's wise to know one's limits, and our limit is most definitely ONE.

It's a really personal choice.

My mother used to say, "I wish I could just tie a brick to your head and keep you in the basement forever" - this meant "I don't want you to grow up." She used to laugh when she'd say that, but it always scared me. :(

I was the oldest, and could never do enough "right." My brother was the youngest, and could do no wrong. So of course he was in rehab by 25. :roll:

We're both adopted.



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19 May 2008, 12:40 pm

It's pretty amazing how much joy and love a little one can bring into your life. Imagine that doubled or tripled. Seriously. The love of a child, the love you give to a child knows no limits. I have 4 children and we may be expecting a 5th(baby's birth-mom might be pregnant again). I adore all of my children. I don't love my adopted children any less or in any different way than my first, biological child. I would adopt a handful more if I had the room and the patience to handle them all.

I do know that growing up with a lot of siblings was very good for me. I was very antisocial and did not have many friends at school. My siblings were my companions and best friends. I am very glad that we adopted more children and did not only have our one daughter- for her sake. She is ASD and she is much like me as a kid. She would be lost in her own world so much more if she did not have her siblings to bring her out and interact with. She has found her best friends and worst enemies in them. LOL! My very non-affectionate daughter is ultra affectionate with her little sister and her baby brother. She loves them very much and shows genuine concern for them and their well-being. She does not have this kind of behavior with her "friends" or other people she is not as close to.

There are other methods of birth control. I would highly suggest holding off on something permanent until you are certain you don't want more children. Give it some time.



webwalker
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19 May 2008, 1:12 pm

When you are a parent, you have a multitude of responsibilities. One of them is to be the best parent to your children that you can.

So if you can cast your imagination forward (if you have a spectrum kid now) and imagine having TWO or MORE with same or worse problems, that should put you in the proper frame of mind to make decisions about having your firing pin pulled.

Myself? My son was diagnosed 4/2006. My wife conceived my daughter in 2/2006. I had my Vasectomy in 5/2006. My daughter does NOT have autism, but she does have a different learning disability.

Unless you have exceptional resilience or an almost unlimited amount of resources, I don't recommend having more kids after have one on the spectrum.

M



sinagua
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19 May 2008, 1:28 pm

webwalker wrote:

Unless you have exceptional resilience or an almost unlimited amount of resources, I don't recommend having more kids after have one on the spectrum.



At the risk of attracting flames, I agree with this. I can't imagine having another child, after our first. We love him DEARLY, but we feel it would be unfair (in our situation - I'm not telling anyone what to do) to have another child - to the second child. As it is, we barely have enough patience and resources sufficient to raise one child on the spectrum. Our marriage has barely survived, but we're hanging in there. We have had no family to help us or give us a break.

But if you have LOADS of energy and oceans of patience and healthy self-esteem and close family and friends and are able to secure resources in your area (and afford them), maybe more than one child would be feasible. It's just not for us, with both of us parents on the spectrum too and limited resources.

Good luck everyone, however many you have. I have a good friend who's about to have her fifth, and she's radiantly happy.



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19 May 2008, 3:18 pm

digger1 wrote:
I love my baby Olivia. I've never loved anyone or anything so much in my life. I can't imagine the same being true in the for anything or anyone else. When she was first born, I just felt so warm and fuzzy and so close to her. I'm worried that if we have another kid, I wouldn't feel that same way about him or her and that the love I have for Olivia will diminish and I won't be able to spend as much time with her as I would like. I have plans for when she's a little older.

So, should I consider having another kid of just go ahead and get the vasectomy?


I remember the feelings you are describing. They are very normal. I worried quite a bit. For nothing, in the end, really. I love both my children uniquely, and my second child has brought such a different facet into my life that I cannot imagine life without her. I can't imagine life without my son, either, of course, it's just I never debated not adding him to the family, so it's a different point, if that makes sense.

So ... I would not, NOT tie your tubes yet, if the only reason would be because of emotions you are currently holding. Simply put, over time, they will change. You are growing and changing with your child, and how your love expresses itself today in your thought process, is not going to be how it expresses itself in a few years. At some point you will feel, in your gut, the answers to your questions, and what the right decision for your family is, as to additional children. Until you are at that point, don't close any doors.


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Mom to an amazing AS son, who recently graduated from the university (plus an also amazing non-AS daughter). Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).