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mom2bax
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29 May 2008, 2:46 am

do you feel like you can never do the right thing with your kids????

if you vaccinate them you may have caused their autism, but if you don't you risk potential of diseases.

if you give in to them to avoid a meltdown you're spoiling them, but if you don't you suffer the consequenses of the meltdown.

and where do you push and where do you back off?
how many expectations should you relax becasue of the aspergers and how much should you push them beyond their comfort zone? does it help or harm to do it??? :huh:

there's so many different schools of thought on the whole parenting thing, how do you decide??

fortunately my parents were wonderful but i felt i was a bit too sheltered for my own good, but i am a person who needs to be taught how to do something for it to stick, so i struggle with how to push them to greater independance without pushing too hard. :?

add to that my boy with his AS and the whole single parenting thing and divorce. it is all just such a mess. :wall:

just needed to vent while asking for some advice kind of :help:



kip
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29 May 2008, 3:02 am

If you expect everyone else to think you are the perfect parent then no, you can never do right by your kids.

All anyone should expect of you is that you do the best by your kids and you love them for who they are. Yea, other parents may have good ideas, and you can always give them a shot. But the only people who really matter in the end are those kids.

And most kids are very good about teaching you how to raise them. Look at their reactions to things, how they cope. notice what things set them off. Then, you work with that info.

There is no right or wrong way to parent. Every kid is different. Yea, some people may end up raising an axe murderer... but who's fault is that? Is it the kids, for being broken? Or is it the parents for doing the wrong thing raising them? It's really both and neither. You have to raise a child in the way they will learn best. My mum has had 3 kids, and each one of us had to be raised different. My dads family on the other hand... there were 6 of them and my grandma raised them all to be clones. And out of that whole setup, my dads the only one who turned out to be an abusive bastard. So really, neither one of them were wrong, even though they raised kids completely different.


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ster
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29 May 2008, 7:51 pm

for me, i've found that i do best when i listen to my gut instinct......it's when i don't listen to it that i have problems.....

it's hard to get used to the rollercoaster ride......



annie2
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29 May 2008, 11:22 pm

Yeah, basically it's trial and error . . . and often more error than success! My 8 yr old AS son is currently up in his room with his bed tipped upside down and desk moved so that I can't get in the door . . . all because he got sent to his room for stifling his sister with self-centred rules in a netball game!! ! Oh, well . . . at least it's quiet downstairs for now!



jbollard
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29 May 2008, 11:48 pm

I ask myself that all the time!! Dont worry we all feel the same way!!

It is very frustrating, because you hope that you are doing the right thing, but lets face it children dont come with manuals and we can only do what we can.

I think your feeling a little low, buy some chockies and watch a really good movie that works for me. (oh and something for the kids that might keep them quite for a little while too)



sinagua
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30 May 2008, 10:05 am

I really hear ya. Especially about the "spoiling them" thing. At the moment (very temporary, I hope, although I do love them) we're staying with my in-laws. They love me and my son, and they "understand" about his Asperger's, mostly, somewhat, but just this morning, I was catching a little stuff from them about my son's eating habits. He's an only child with both parents on the spectrum. None of us eat "regular" meals. We eat when we're hungry. None of us are overweight, and our son is a bean pole. He's healthy and active and as long as he is, I don't give a rat's patootie whether or not we have established "sit down" meals. I have told him that after 9pm, the cook (me or his dad) are off duty, so if he's hungry after that, he will have to make himself a sandwich or something (he's nine). He whines, but generally, eventually, he'll do it - or he'll just decide to go to bed.

I think my FIL is likely on the spectrum too, but he doesn't see that and I'm not going to suggest it to him. His own father was a hard-ass and so was he as a parent. I try to tell him that approach (in and of itself, exclusively) will not work for our son. You have to be more clever than that, and you have to be firm but not yell (ha - I know I fail miserably at THAT test often enough), and it's not just a matter of "having a firm hand", etc. He's very old-school, my FIL (of course). I'm sure his father didn't give him an inch to breathe, and for years he and my husband didn't get along very well, because he was so tough on him. FIL is a very good man, I love him dearly. But I hate being in someone else's house, eating their food, the way they prepare it, on their schedule! They tell me we should have sit-down breakfasts together, but I hate breakfast and usually I don't eat it, especially NOW when I'm so anxious because I just throw up. I never feel like eating anything until at least 10am.

I hate feeling judged, but as another poster here said, that's just par for the course - everyone has their opinions about proper parenting, and it's like that even if your child is NT. What works for one may not work for another. I've learned well enough that no matter WHAT I do, there will always be someone who thinks I did wrong. That can be incredibly frustrating, especially if you love and value the opinion of that person.



NayNay2
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30 May 2008, 1:25 pm

I go back and forth with the same issues as you stated I sometimes feel I'm too easy on my son but then other times I refuse to give in. Its a very hard balancing act and when others be it family or friends think "ohh your being too hard" but they have no clue what my daily life is with a child who's melt downs can come clear out of blue and about NOTHING. I'm always trying to do whats best for my son even if it seems harsh at the time, he has to have structure and rules or all hell breaks loose.



mom2bax
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31 May 2008, 2:48 am

thanks everyone. :)
sometimes you know that you are not the only one in your situation but can't help but feel that way. it''s comforting to know that you are not the only one. :wink:



2ukenkerl
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31 May 2008, 6:46 am

mom2bax,

YOU have things people in MY generation didn't! YOU COULD simply ask the child what the problems are, and validate them against criteria and try to facilitate things. I will try to help you though:

You COULD try vaccinating them a bit latter, but I doubt it is really a problem.

For the meltdowns, just try to be reasonable. In some cases, they may HAVE to have the meltdown and if things are done in the same way, and a concern is shown to not be true, they might get over it.

I think it is foolish to harp about starving children, etc... Try feeding the child what s/he wants. They probably WILL eat worthwhile things every day. I ALWAYS did! SURE I liked cake
and icecream, but that isn't ALL I wanted to eat. I was actually thin and just as healthy as any other child. I LIKED green beans, peas, beets, etc... There are just some things I would NEVER eat, etc....

For social things, it might be a lost cause, unless it is a friendship or follows an interest of theirs. For education, don't underestimate them. And HECK, give them puzzles, etc.... A gentle nudge can help, but pushing may hurt.

Like I said, use reasonable logic within the criteria.

If s/he has trouble getting something to stick, work on improving things.

Sorry I couldn't give any real advice. Perhaps if you were more detailed about the problems. Still, you know a lot about your sons comfort level and past responses. People with AS apparently TEND to be truthful. I WAS! ASK HIM!



The_Chosen_One
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06 Jun 2008, 7:01 am

NayNay2 wrote:
I go back and forth with the same issues as you stated I sometimes feel I'm too easy on my son but then other times I refuse to give in. Its a very hard balancing act and when others be it family or friends think "ohh your being too hard" but they have no clue what my daily life is with a child who's melt downs can come clear out of blue and about NOTHING. I'm always trying to do whats best for my son even if it seems harsh at the time, he has to have structure and rules or all hell breaks loose.
There's always a reason for a meltdown but the child often can't explain it.


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