Where can I get behavioral help for my Aspie son?

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My 5 year old was dx with Aspergers when he was 4. At the time, he was going to special ed school where I felt he was misplaced and wasn't getting the right kind of academic stimulation he required (although he was getting certain physical, sensory stimulations that seemed to help.) Fed up with the school's reluctance to move him into an area where he wasn't with such severly disabled children, I pulled him out and put him into a Montessori - a very scary and risky move. It has paid off as he is getting the mental stimluation he requires, although he has gone a whole year without OT and I can see the negative ramifications of that. He hasn't had OT this whole year because our school district is financially strapped and although they said they would pay for it privately, I have had a very difficult time finding a private OT, especially one that can accomodate our schedules (my husband and I both work).

I can afford Montessori for one more year, while he's in Kindergarten, but I'm not sure what to do after that! Montessori caters to his ritualistic behaviors and his need to organize his movements and expectations in a certain way. I don't see our public school, especially with it being so financially strapped, as accomodating this. Plus, the Montessori is having him skip Kindergarten and moving him up to 1st grade because he also has hyperlexia and reads at a 3rd grade level. His math is probably around a 3rd grade level as well.

The problem I'm having lately is his behavior. I cannot take it anymore. My other son as ADHD and I feel like I'm gonna lose it. G, my 5 year old aspergers son, is having temper tantrums left and right. He will wake up and decide he wants to feed the dog, but we don't know that he wanted to feed the dog, so we tell him we already did it and an hour of hell ensues. He also has certain regiments, like his 6 stuffed animals he sleeps with and if one of lost, we are up all night with *screaming* and balls to walls tantrums. When he gets in trouble for throwing fits over things that happened 6 weeks ago, he has so friggin' clue what he's being punished for. When I tell him a certain behavior isn't nice, he freaks out and cries and hits. He'll say things that might seem appropriate, "Everybody hates me. You wish I would just leave," but the problem is, he's simply regurgitating what his much older brother yells when he gets in trouble. G has no clue what he's just said, he just says it. If one of his favortie things breaks, we are held prisoners of this downward regression of screaming, crying and demands that it be fixed or we get a replacement right away. Although his regiments seem to be changing with the wind, we have no idea which rituals are new and/or changed and are now afraid of our little 5 year old that anything will set him off.

HELP!! !

I'm at my wit's end. Who can help me??? I've scoured the internet looking for somebody, a counselor, a therapist, a doctor, who can tell me what I can do to help him be more flexible and tolerate changes in everyday life, but I cannot find anything ro anybody. I hate living in fear of this adorable little boy's tantrums, but I feel like I've lost all control and punishing him by time outs does nothing because he has no clue why he's in the time out to begin with. Even in trying to explain it to him in a very simplistic way, he doesn't get it.

What can I do to help him and help me??

TIA!

I think it's very hard for anyone to try to give you any guidance when we have no idea where you live. Different countries/states have different rules, as far as schools, insurance, therapies, etc. go.

You might have better luck finding specific help with finding therapists by finding a local support group (online works well), since you would be "talking" to people who live near you. They might also be able to help you deal with the school issues, because they have experience with the same players.

As to dealing with your little guy - I remember when my Aspie was that age, and I think some of what you're dealing with is just the age. He's wanting to be more independent, but can't really be. He has lots of things he wants to do, but can't express himself very well. He needs things to be the way he needs them to be, but he's too little to manage things enough to keep his life in order adequately. When he gets upset about things, do you tend to get angry at him (understandable, but ultimately counterproductive)? I found that when I was able to remain calm, try to see things through his eyes, and commiserate - but explain gently that I couldn't fix whatever, or I would try to help him however I could, that it would keep him on as even a keel as possible.

His general being on a quick trigger may be partially the result of sensory overload - exacerbated by not having any OT. Until you can get him into OT, you may want to try to get him into some activity that will help him with some sensory input - jumping on a trampoline, if one is available, swinging on swings, spinning on tire swings, rocking in a rocking chair, brushing with a sensory brush or using a vibrator. It can help a lot!

Good luck! Try to remember that when he's doing the stuff that's making you nuts, he's not doing it to make you nuts - he's just trying to cope. If you can step back and try to figure out what's going on from his perspective, and how hard a time he's having, it will not only help you keep your cool, it will help him. He'll know you're on his side.

The tantrums you are describing shouldn't be blamed on Aspergers. It sounds like he has Explosive disorder. A lot of Aspergers people are extremely quiet and sit in the corner like a mouse. As an adult I have an OT for the first time ever. I have to say most of what she does is stuff my parents should have done. So I think you need to take more responsibility in showing your son how to act and teach him things and not leave it up to an OT ... ie: a stranger who gets paid $35-60 a hr to be a "mom". If your work schedule doesn't allow for an OT have you ever considered changing your work schedule? Or quitting work to be with your children?

I do agree with you on not letting your child skip ahead in grade levels. The schools wanted me to do that, but my mom wouldn't have it. I was mad as a kid about that, but as an adult I see letting me always be with older kids would have harmed me. I already had trouble relating to those my own age and to not even be in class with others my age would have kept me from learning any adaptability skills. Also the little kid among older kids often ends up having the big kids teach them bad things and get them into trouble with using drugs and the authorities.

I live in NW Illinois.

Thank you for your advice.

He is quiet for the most part, it's just when things don't go as planned or his rituals are disrupted, he has a hard time coping.

I don't think you can diagnose him with "Explosive Disorder" over an Internet forum. What are your credentials to do so?



You have no idea what kind of mother I am. Please don't displace your bitterness and resentfulness of your own mother on me.



LOL! You do realize that not all people have the luxury of changing their work schedules or quitting their jobs. Certainly, if I could quit my job, I would, and my financial needs are none of your business. I didn't come here to get a lecture by someone with mommy issues or someone that judges a mother on her frustrations over bringing up two special needs children, I came here to get advice on a situation in which I was hoping to get some strategies on dealing with my son and his inability to deal with transitions, change and abstract concepts. I doubt this is anything new to anybody with Aspergers children or dealing with Aspergers themselves.

BTW, I am letting him skip a grade. The Montessori he goes to has all ages combined, so I feel it's an appropriate placement.

Last edited by Geesmom on 01 Jun 2008, 1:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hopefully it is a better environment overall that will facilitate that.

I was ALSO given a chance to skip grades. It would have been GREAT for me, but I already had enough trouble with bullies, and declined it. Of course, that was in a REGULAR school that still had the stupid "Well, boys will be boys" mentality. My work suffered from lack of challenge, etc... It STILL kind of does.

I mentioned Explosive disorder because the behaviors you listed are symptoms of explosive order. Anyone who can read and is knowledgable about psychological disorders could discern that. It doesn't take credentials just reading comprehension.

I don't have mother issues. I simply noted that it occurred to me after numerous OT appointments that what she is doing is parenting and things my mother should have taught me. I do think many moms of autistic kids hate their kids so much that they prefer to hand off parental responsibilities to strangers rather than raise their own kids. Sometimes people think they need to work because they think they have to lead an affluent lifestyle. But some mothers of autistics give up the satellite tv, huge house and SUV in order to stay at home and homeschool and raise their child. You can't expect the school system to pay for everything related to your disabled kids. You may have to pay an OT with your own money or do some of it yourself. I know of a number of moms of autistic kids in my town who have elected to stay home with their ASD kids and provide them with more support, so what I suggest is not outlandish and unheard of.

I just think its silly that OT's become very wealthy by doing nothing more than being moms or friends to disabled people. Think about it ~ its a lot of money for what a family member could do for free.

Listen lady, You gave birth to these kids. No one held a gun to your head and said, HEY, YOU BETTER HAVE CHILDREN, RIGHT NOW! And you were the one who came onto a site of people like your children, this how we react to ignorance.

Secondly, to complain about how your child acts, is ridiculous. ITS YOUR JOB TO TRAIN THEM. Stop being a crappy parent and realize lifes not fair. You wanted kids, and you and your husband have a family tree filled with autistic spectrum people. You should have adopted or let your kids get adopted. Dont be upset because someone tells you the truth. Thats what your child does, right? They're learning this crap from you.

We're not stupid MA'AM, we're slow. We dont have the recognition skills that normal kids do. We have a different kind of brilliance. We show you the altruistic path, the one where we dont have a need to lie until you give it to us. We dont have a need to fit in or get along. We'd like it but its not necessary. We dont react the same way, we dont live the same way. You need to learn about your child instead of instilling him with tradition. you could have an einstein or a newton or a da vinci, but you choose to brude on his negative aspects.

Besides, if you dont know how to be a mom, why are you one? Why do you idiots keep having kids when you have no idea how to control them? No idea how to help them. You think because YOUR PARENTS sucked that you'll do a better job or something.

What you failed to realize was either you or your spouse had traits of autistic spectrum disorders and figured, forget it, I want my own kid. There are plenty of starving kids in africa and china and all over the world, but you had to have your own. Deal with your mistakes as they come, this was one of them obviously.

You dont get pity from us who live with the disorder. You get your pity from "other moms who's lives were ruined by their monstrous kids". Cause we're so bad right? We start fights and treat people like s**t right, just like you guys? We're the ones stealing our stuff or picking on ourselves. We're the ones that are to blame right? Do You realize you're blaming your child for your short comings as a parent? You need to grow up and learn to be an adult, instead of always blaming someone else.

BESIDES, Its your childs fault they're on the autistic spectrum, right? We gave birth to ourselves right? You didnt have anything to do with the problem right? Your actions didnt lead to these consequences right? You didnt have sex, you're the virgin mary right?

WHAT THE HECK!?!?!? She overreacted a LITTLE, but that was probably due to stress and being exposed to arbitrary thoughts of that nature. I know how she feels.

I didn't notice anything she said that was really out of line.



GOD, GIVE ME A BREAK!! !! ! you should realize how hard it could be.



FINALLY, a spark of truth and reason! Geesmom, listen to that LAST paragraph!! !! !



I'm sure MOST parents had the SAME problems. My mother and father got a GREAT son! Behaved, smart, did well in school, altruistic, honest, etc.... They practically hit the jackpot, and they STILL broke up, and my mother would actually call my father to ball me out for something I didn't do!



Give me a break! You speak of the child like he is some MONSTER. Give him SOME modicum of respect.

Geesmom,

I REALLY wish I could help you more. If your son wants to feed the dog, etc... LET HIM! Give him a schedule, and say that you will trust him to follow it. If he forgets, try to remind him. If he still doesn't do it, do it yourself, and let him know you did, and why. After all, the dog shouldn't suffer. Still, they could end up being good friends, and maybe it will calm your son down a lot.

Some autistic kids are VERY strict with regimens, etc... Try to live by it, and he SHOULD be fine. MAYBE he'll end up being a dream. Frankly, I never asked for much. I DID ask for some things that drove people nuts though, and often ended up doing them MYSELF! As for the dog incident? I didn't throw tantrums, but I let people know I wasn't happy. When I was on a boat, I wanted to drive! If I lost my place, or was never given a chance, I was UPSET! I ALSO couldn't eat just ANYPLACE, etc.... Any attempt to make me meant I wouldn't eat. It didn't matter if it was a big piece of german chocolate cake(my FAVORITE)! I STILL wouldn't eat!

BTW I, for one, appreciate your plight. I have seen some HORRIBLE kids. Unfortunately, we have all seen HORRIBLE parents. I also work for a living. If I had a wife, she wouldn't have to work, but I DO work like a dog and know that some work harder for far less pay. I am lucky in that I have a good reputation for working in areas where few REALLY compete, and the customer can see a BIG ROI.

Last edited by 2ukenkerl on 01 Jun 2008, 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He is having issues coping with transitions and changes to his rituals and he is acting out the only way he knows how. Right now, he lacks the tools and understanding to intellectualize an appropriate response. Seems to me you are the one with the comprehension issue. I'm certainly not going to allow some screen name on an Internet forum diagnose my child.



That's ridiculous. People go to specialists for all sorts of things, all the time. Nobody is an expert on everything. I think it's more of a mark of maturity and intelligence realizing what talents and teaching abilities one has and what they don't have. I certainly don't pretend to have all the answers and if outside therapies give me added tools and insight and give my son the tools he needs to succeed where I may not have the training to do so, then I will certainly use those therapies to his advantage and not feel badly about it either.



I don't have a huge house and stop making assumptions and judgements on people's lifestyles when you know nothing about them. Where is all this resentment coming from? Since you're so willing to assume then allow me to assume it's from your own mother.



Again, you don't know me or my child. You have a tiny snippet, so maybe 10 seconds out of our lives and you're going to judge me and my child on that? I pay taxes and my son has the right to an education like everybody elses. He will be going to a private school for the next few years, yet I still pay taxes to the public school and just because they don't want to pay for extra services doesn't mean they should say, "Oh, well," to my son.

But in the end, it's not about them or me paying for OT. I would pay for it, albeit, it's very expensive, but I actually do work with my son a lot and he's in lots of activities such as private swim lessons etc. that give him some of those sensory experiences. It's about it being very difficult to find someone in a 30 miles radius and not being able to access it within our school district.



That's complete bull. We had a OT come to our house for 2 years, twice a week and she did excercises with my son and gave us homework that helped my son gain balance, help with his eating issues and help him with a concept of time and space awareness. I'm not going to apologize for not knowing how to prevent my son from walking off a cliff before he developed that sense through therapy. It was an education process for both of us.

Take your bitterness somewhere else. I don't have time and admittedly, don't have the expertise or skills to be the displacement for your issues nor would I know how to advise you.

I'm not going to apologize for not knowing what to do in every situation and learning as I go. My sons are adored and loved and they enjoy life. I only look to make it better for them in every way that I can. You can think whatever you want and harbor resentment, it makes no difference to me or my kids. I'm sorry that you are so unhappy but there is nothing I can do about that.

Okay, obviously this thread is being taken over by really angry "I have mommy issues" trolls.

I love my kids. I had them because I wanted them and I wouldn't trade them or their uniqueness for anything.

Again, I will not apologize for admitting it's hard and I get frustrated and sometimes I do over-react but most of the times I don't. I'm human.

I was trying to illustrate that I cannot always live by his rituals. Life isn't like them and he will need tools in order to go through life that will continually throw him curve balls. I want him to be able to learn how to cope with these changes and I will. Unlike the trolls on here, I'm not giving up or becoming complacent. My sons are worth more to me than that. I'm not perfect, never will be and pretending I am is a greater disservice to my children than reacting honestly and naturally to frustration.

I certainly hope my kids don't run into the level of intolerance I'm experiencing here, in the real world. These are things I worry about and will try to prevent.

Thanks for taking this so off topic and making my son's immature coping skills something to degrade his mother over and place blame on his mother over. I'm sure he wouldn't even have Aspergers if only he had a stay at home mom who read books on occcupational therapy (which I have already, thanks.)

Last edited by Geesmom on 01 Jun 2008, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Geesmom,

I hope you didn't miss my last message. *I*, for one, understand what you are going through, and you ARE showing some care I don't think my mother ever really showed.

Of course I was in a "normal" private school early on, but I always complained about being taught what I knew, and not getting taught what I wanted. BTW I was in public schools for most of the time after that.

With me, the thirst for knowledge of a certain type is like a HUNGER! I have PANGS for a while and, once they subside, my interest decreases. I want to get fed while I am HUNGRY!

Truer words have never been spoken. It's not the city school system's responsibility to raise your kids and teach them how to behave whether you have an IEP or not. Schools are there to teach reading, writing, arithmetic, science and occasionally art and music. The rest is a parent's responsibility.

2ukenker, thank you so much for your posts. I really appreciated them.

Do you think if you had remained in private schools, it would have been better for you?

Well, I COULD conceivably have stayed at the same school for until 12th. I stayed through 2nd, went elsewhere for 3rd, and came back only for 4th. The 3rd grade was apparently where my life COULD have kept going, but changed for the worst. ALSO, being at the school through 12th could have given me a reputation to defeat any rumors and stop bullies, and could have given me the confidence to go elsewhere. So I think it would have.

What are you most concerned about? What do you want changed in him? One of the best ways I've found is mirroring, i.e. recording his behaviour and playing it back to himself so HE can judge how he acted himself. You have to understand for many kids (aspergers or not) their is a huge disconnect between the way one percieves oneself internally in first person, and externally from the 3rd person. And people with AS tend to project their understanding of the world in a 'global model', i.e. they reference themselves, because many can't intuitively put the social puzzle together.

It's one thing I've learned over the years is that kids need their own behaviou reflected back on themselves to "get it", for instance when I have to babysit, and the boys are getting into a fight, the older one usually picks on the weaker one and sometimes it 'gets out of control', to the point where the older one is severely hurting the younger one, so I give the younger one 'free hits', this is where the comedy comes in! When the younger brother 'doesn't want any free hits' and punches him softly lol.

But the point his, people don't want done to themselves what they do to others thats why their needs to be consequences.
And many people here cannot appreciate the level of 'untrainableness' in children because they are not exposed to many varying different types of children, so their advice is next to worthless. The big thing is to find out what MOTIVATES him and take advantage of that, what is he hungry for?

There will be times you just have to suffer through things because you have to realize that kids are not young adults, their maturity level and perspective is hopelessly tied to their cognitive level of development and it is uneven.