when your child gets suspended for threatening another child

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So, today, on the last week of school, I get a call from the assistant principal telling me that my son has threatened a child in his class. Talk about a horrible phone call! The assistant principle is really a great gal, and we have a good relationship. I feel like she understands my son.

This is SO confusing. He is a nice, even-tempered kid at home. He's very non-aggressive. But he's in this English class with five other kids who need "extra" help in Enlish. Two kids are boys who, according to my son, are constantly making noises, fighting with the teacher, etc. Two are girls that my son has been in school with since preschool, and they've been very good friends. But lately they are also fighting with and being disrespectful to the teacher, and this annoys my son. There's only one other student in the class who is nice and quiet.

There is NO excuse for what my son did, but as he tells it, there was a sub for the class today, so there was less structure than usual (and there's not much even when the teacher is there), and his two friends were making weird noises and being annoying. Certainly didn't sound like they were being outrageous, so I really don't understand why my son said what he did. He has made another bad comment during this class (said that he wished the school would blow up) that I was also called about, but then, we were changing around his meds and he was somewhat depressed. This time, I don't have that excuse for his behavior. I have no idea what to do for him to make sure that he doesn't do this again. I just think it's interesting that it always seems to happen in this class, and he's fine in all the other classes. Also, on the plus side, he won't be in this class next year -- he will be attending the regular ed English class.

Any insight from other parents who may have been through something similar would be greatly appreciated.

Are his other classes traditional groups of students? because as a substitute I don't find your son's behavior being different in this class surprising.

What exactly did he say and why?

Are you sure he wasn't trying to help the substitute regain control of the class and just chose the wrong thing to say to do that?

Yes, his other classes are with the general ed population.

I would rather not say exactly what he said -- let's just say that it was threatening in a very scary way, and the suspension is warranted. What he said was extremely surprising to me, so I totally understand why the school needs to really jump on this immediately and take care of the situation. What I think (?) happened is that my son said something in a very misguided effort to get the girls to stop making so much noise -- not understanding that his words were outrageous.

To answer your question about helping the substitute to regain control over the class -- my guess is that the sub didn't really have any control over the class, didn't hear my son's comment, and that maybe her lack of controlling the class may have been a little of the problem here. Still doesn't excuse my son's words, though.

The suspension is just going to entail having to spend lunch with the asst. principal tomorrow. I've tried to really get him to understand the weight of his actions here, but most importantly to get him to understand that he needs to rectify the situation (apologize to the girls), accept his punishment graciously, and get over the whole issue and enjoy his last couple of days at school. He was very teary-eyed when I was talking with him today about the whole situation, and obviously feels horrible about it. I've taken away his computer games, etc., as a punishment (temporarily), but also so that he will spend more time with us as a family and be more clued in on our conversations and socializing. He seems to be fine with this.

How is saying 'I wish the school would blow up?" a threat? It didn't sound like he said it to another student from what I've read in your post.

Sounds like to me he was just expressing his frustration.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't understand how you can perceive the suspension to be "warranted" when his words weren't even heard by the supervising adult. It sounds like the class was out of control and he joined in. Why is he then singled out? You shouldn't allow your kid to be the punching bag here. The fact that there is a history with the other kids pushing his buttons and he is the one getting in trouble for is ridiculous. They pulled that crap with us and we put our foot down.

Well, KimJ, I know what my child said in this situation, and I haven't told you exactly what it was -- trust me, it's the sort of thing that schools have to handle quickly and carefully, or it could get out of hand. I appreciate that the principal called me, because this is the sort of thing that doesn't show at home. I've been through similar things with an older son that was also on the spectrum, and he would come home totally cheerfully from school every day, and I often had NO IDEA that his behavior at school was sometimes totally different -- either he was sad because of some social difficulties, or he was disrespectful to teachers and I had no idea that this was going on because he was so sweet at home.

Yes, I think that the class was out of control, and as LoveableNerd pointed out that he experienced negative things whenever subs came to class, I do think my son was annoyed by the noise level. He just couldn't handle this annoyance in a mature way, and so he threatened one of his classmates (a serious threat, not something to be taken lightly). He admits to this. He isn't going to be allowed to be a punching bag here -- they are just taking him out of lunch and having him spend that time with the asst. principal.

Also, no kids were pushing his buttons. He was purely annoyed by the noise level. He has complained about this in the past, and also, he's complaining about these two girls (who are special needs, and slightly immature) acting out -- something that is new this year, as in the past, the three of them have been great friends. I think that this year, my son has slightly matured, and these two girls have not, and he's confused by the difference. We have not seen how this class has been helpful in improving his English abilities, and we have heard most of the year about the "acting up" that goes on in the class -- and therefore, we requested that he be put in a general ed class next year. Actually, reading other posts on WrongPlanet about aspie kids not liking special ed classes because of the behavior problems that can sometimes occur there is much of the reason why I requested the change to the regular ed class for next year. Thank heavens for WrongPlanet!

The comment that he made earlier in the year about "I wish the school would blow up" wasn't a threat, it was merely a comment. But we do seem to live in a school district where anything that is even remotely close to a threat is taken super seriously -- they are crazy in this way, but I guess they are trying to prevent a Virginia Tech kind of situation from happening.

Well, it's hard to say. I mean, I would hope that they're documenting it in a complete way, including the triggers and proscribing a solution. IN our case, the administrators have acted really nice and then went ahead and handled it as if my son were NT anyhow and we've had to force a change of perception.
Pushing buttons doesn't have to be deliberate. It's just that there is an established pattern of behavior that leads to your son getting in trouble. That should have been dealt with before he gets punished for it.
I don't disagree that he should be taught better coping skills. But he should not bear the brunt of the whole situation.

Triangular-Trees has a good point I think.

It does sound as if his punishment is in line with his ASD.

Kids who make annoying noises are pushing an Aspie kids buttons quite often. If they know the noises are irritating and still do it, then that is a form of harassment. There should be more control over the misbehaving children and then this boy won't be getting to the desperate stage where he says he wishes the school would blow up (what kid hasn't wished that sometime anyway) or made a threatening comment?

When an aspie has a meltdown, they often say scary things that they never would otherwise so it is important not to go overboard into panic mode. I don't think this boy should have to apologise if the other kids were teasing and annoying him first.

The Chosen One, you really understand the situation. And Triangular Trees, you are right -- I do feel that my son was given a lighter "suspension" or punishment BECAUSE of his AS.

Yes, usually noises are so irritating that it really drives a child with AS up the wall, much more so than the rest of us. My husband talked to my older son (now in college) about this, and it was funny, my older son said "when did I get over being really overly-irritated by people?" Apparently my son and my husband were silent for a while, thinking about this, and then my older son said "Heck, I'm STILL overly irritated by people. I just have more maturity now so that I don't have a huge response to it." Well said.

I think that punishing my son at school, and slightly at home, makes it clear that he really did something wrong here. Mind you, the punishment he is getting is no computer games for a few days. He can watch tv (with his family), he can converse with us, go to outings with us, etc. All social activities, which is what he really needs right now -- playing on computer games is solitary, which is part of the problem. I'm not yelling at him or making him feel bad -- I'm just reminding him that solitary computer play is part of the problem, whereas talking with us, participating in family activities and other social activities outside of the home is where he will learn to figure out how to deal with annoying behavior in others.

Heck, I still have major issues with people making annoying noises around me and with age, I've become less tolerant. I used to think I just had to put up with it but now I don't think I should have to to the same degree.

Pandora, what you say coincides with my adult son feelings -- I think he's MORE annoyed by people now. I know that I am more annoyed by people as well, the more I age. But with both my adult son and myself, we vent to our family or close friends, rather than taking it out on the person who was annoying.

My son doesn't fully have the ability to control his feelings, apparently, and so he says the wrong thing. Not all of the time, mind you. Most of the time he's very passive and sweet. I don't blame him a bit for being annoyed with the kids in this class, especially if they're disrespectful to each other AND the teacher (this is her first year teaching, too). The thing that is surprising is that he is saying this to his two friends, girls who have known him forever. He's too immature to understand that his friends have "issues" and that they are dealing with their own problems. I can try to explain this to him, but I can't tell him exactly what is the issue with these girls, as I don't know what their diagnoses are, and I probably shouldn't share that information with him anyway (so that the girl's privacy isn't invaded). But I do know that this is the only class he complains about, and I'm glad that he won't be in it next year.

But if people are doing annoying things they need to be told. Then they can't make so many excuses if they keep on doing it even after they were informed their behaviour was bothering somebody. Telling others you were annoyed helps but you also need to attack the problem at its source.