Swimming,etc Am I being too overprotective?

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My children, aged 5 and 7(also have a toddler) are taking swimming lessons this summer again. They made zero progress last year, having a huge fear of getting their face wet (youngest) and getting head under water (oldest). This year my oldest has made tremendous progress and has even been swimming across the deep end or jumping in the deep end and swimming to the edge.
She had a meltdown today at swimming lessons right after refusing to try a breaststroke in the deep end of the pool. She had successfully tried in the shallow end, but said she was very scared.
When they came home, my wife was very angry with her for clamming up when asked to swim(this is her first defense, to curl up and get totally quiet). Then she began having a crying, screaming, meltdown when they kept insisting.
My children are not diagnosed as ASD, but my wife doesn't want a diagnosis. They are very intelligent, high functioning kids. however, they have the same genes as me, and my nephew is diagnosed Kanners Classic autism, his sister is HFA, and we are convinced I am HFA as well.
My wife says since I have been reading so much about autism that I am siding with the kids and being too easy on them. My response is to try to have a reasoned, analytical discussion of the situation and determine what prompted the reaction from the child. I then determine what is the appropriate response and I don't believe in punishing them for failing to do something when totally petrified. My wife says it is a symptom of our daughter being hardheaded and wanting to have her way.
I am confused. What do y'all think? Should I be harder on them, or is it normal for a child on the spectrum to take much longer to get comfortable with being in the water and swimming?

It's normal for anyone on the spectrum to occasionally balk at doing something that seems suddenly overwhelming, and shut down. These are the very moments at which being pushed, prodded and bullied leads to a meltdown. Getting annoyed and making the child feel inadequate and defective will not make them learn any faster, only make them hate the experience and never want to do it again.

I am with you; I believe you are reading your kids right.

Both my son and I are prone to what I have now realized are panic attacks and that sounds like what your daughter went through. You can't push someone through it, they have to learn to work it out themselves. I have helped my son through many of these, and the key is to help HIM discover how to work through it, and to give him the OPPORTUNITY to do that. Which basically means giving him a little distance and space, but NOT leaving the location, so that he WILL have the chance to do the task as soon as he is ready. Now, this gets difficult in a class with a schedule but, still, it's important for kids to learn how to work through it and confront the fear, but it is completely something they have to do for themselves, and a very patient and understanding parent is needed at that moment. My son now snow skis and bike rides and swims in the deep end, and my daughter has acted on stage despite severe stage fright, all because we validated what they were going through, but also let them experience the sheer joy and pride that comes when you face and conquer a fear.

I grew up with a fearless sister who believed that if she took me to the top of a mountain I couldn't ski down, or tricked me into a deep end I couldn't swim, that I would just get over it and manage. Well, all those things backfired big time, and tended to set me 2 steps back for every one step forward. My AS child is the same way. You just can't have success that way with a child who gets physical panic. I know it from myself, and I've seen it play out with my son. You only go backwards when you push too hard.

Next time, the parent at the lesson with her should say, "it's OK, I understand you are scared, why don't you sit for a while, gather your thoughts, and tell me when you are ready to try again. I do believe in you, and know you can do it, but I also know you have to work it through for yourself." Then give the child space and time, whatever she needs. Even if that means allowing her to try it long after the lesson has ended. She will do it. Her own way, her own time.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 06 Jun 2008, 4:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think it's fine to be understanding as long as you're firm about what you expect from the kids. Don't know if swimming is one of those expectations - you'll have to pick which battles you think are important to their development. Since you're HFA, maybe you can come up with a creative way to get past the fear/meltdown and communicate it to your daughter so that she can do better next time.

Am not a parent, but I was a kid with mixed feelings about swimming/water-and I agree with your reaction, not that of your spouse. I had similar sorts of stuff said to/about me growing up (more often in reference to my refusing to eat food)-it was such a power struggle with lasting bad feelings throughout my family. I didn't comply/conform/obey because: I found the sensory experiences/stimuli revolting, threatening, aversive. Not for the stupid reasons that they (adults) insisted must be behind my behavior (a "control" thing, just to see what I could "get away with", or some inane emotional conflict in my relationships).

Agree with that-pressuring (unecessarily) will incur resentment and/or other ill effects.
Having no dx (nor even the notion of accurate label for my "behavior" or perceptions) as kid was unfortunate because I was blamed for my differences by people who would get angry with me-which has, in itself, messed up my emotional reactions (added extra insult to psychological injury).

Taking things gradually is perfectly reasonable, and it's not like your (OP's) daughter is not making progress-so there's no need to hurry/push. I was slow in learning different swimming styles & being able to tolerate (feel safe & confident) with my face in or under water, as well as deeper areas (where my feet couldn't touch bottom)-but I did become proficient enough at it (to be able to say, "yeah, I can swim fine").

Realize that in any situation involving judgment/interpretation (as an adult or child, no matter one's mental status) it's hard to be sure how much of anything is "unwilling" versus "unable". Which instances of disobedience are "won't" vs. which are because the person "can't" ? It's not always obviously one or the other-also these factors can overlap, influence/modify each other, and have synergistic, self-perpetuating effects. Such as: "I don't like to do this, because I'm bad at it", or "I'm no good at doing this, so I don't like to it".

Continuing to push an Autistic when they reach that state will be, at best, counter productive.

If the goal is for the child to learn, then an effort must be made to allow the child some control over the process. This is true even of most animals.

It really doesn't matter if the child is "hard headed" or not. Forcing them under water isn't going to work.Even if it could work - which it won't - you would only succeed in teaching them to do something that they hate.

What exactly are your wife's objectives in all this? Does she have some set of fears, or issues with her own parents to work through?

It is likely, if the child gets lessons specifically geared toward his particular skills and difficulties, that he will learn even faster and better than usual.

If a diagnosis is all that stands between a child and getting an individualized, empowering education, then it seems to me to make the diagnosis a parental duty.

If the goal is to raise a child who learns to hide himself, and to work many times harder than anyone else just to create the appearance of "normality," then a diagnosis is ill-advised.

But think of all your child could do with the extra effort he didn't have to waste on pretense, and selff-denial, and learning things the least efficient way, and learning that his parents were continually ashamed of him?

Discipline is one thing, and I'll be the first to say an autistic child can often require more discipline than others. However, avoiding the truth, and teaching a child to deny the way his body and mind work at the very basic level, is a good way to hamstring his future.

I know this from the personal experience of raising two autistic sons for many years prior to even knowing what autism is. I sincerely wish I'd know from the very beginning. When your only measure of your child's success is your neighbors' kids, then you set yourself up for failure.

Sorry. I really didn't mean this to sound as strident as it sounds on re-reading. I guess I just hope your child gets a chance as educational experiences that actually assist him in learning, instead of constantly having to deal with an education that actually holds him back - as my sons, and I, had to do.

See if you can get your wife to re-consider whatever level of diagnosis you need in order to justify getting a more tailored education for your child. The risk of final failure seems a lot higher without it.

Thanks everyone. The re-assurance helps. I will always remember what it was like for me as a child and will protect my children as I see fit. The struggle is when I disagree with my spouse and keeping her happy also, not feeling like it is "us against her".

I had a fear of swimming as a child, and I grew up in Florida with a pool in my backyard. Actually, i wasn't so much scared of swimming as much as putting my face underwater. In fact, I still won't do it. I have to wear a mask that covers the eyes and nose. For awhile I wouldn't even put my face under water at all. It is a very scary thing. I could never coordinate holding my breath with going under and water always got up my nose. Awful.

Hi, I have a 9 year old boy dx'd AS, we live in Australia. He loves swimming, but does much better on his terms, he also has swimming lessons every week, some weeks he swims well, other weeks his co-ordination is all over the place or he is having meltdowns for what seams like no apparent reason to me. With a little understanding, sometimes he will tell me, it's the noise (sounds are amp'd at the pool) or the people ( sometimes it's more crowded than other times) and sometimes he's just had a rough day and the last thing he wants to do is follow more instruction and do something which can be physically exhausting.

Somethings I have to remind myself of, because yes even I get frustrated (never yell though) swimming for me (NT) = physical exhaustion
swimming for him(AS)= physical exhaustion, the need to follow instruction (which can be extremely confussing) , loud noisy envioronment (makes following instruction harder, can hurt his ears), chemical smells from chlorine (maybe sensory issues), too many people can feel a little over whelming and be very confussing and distracting,poor co-ordination (for my boy anyway), the feel of the water and the water temp can be annoying (this is what he tells me sometimes) These are just some of the things I've discovered about what goes on for my son when he has his lessons.

What has helped is having a very very understanding teacher, having a much smaller class (now only my boy and one other child) having his lesson in exactly the same swim lane as always, (they tried moving his lane over one spot and he was having melt downs every lesson and couldn't explain why. Allowing play time after the lesson if he wants it to do what he is comfortable with. Having the teacher close at hand at all times ( she is only ever a pace or two away), turning lesson time into fun time not a chore. If he doesnt want to swim he is allowed to sit in the shallow end and watch, we don't leave. Acknowleding every complaint he has and working with him to find an answer, eg, his googles were bothering him, we now have a couple of different sets for him to change into depending on his mood/need, if he says the water is bothering his ears he doesn't have to put his head under if he doesn't want to, etc.

Could you take your kids to their lessons? Maybe take them to the pool in between lessons as well. Explain to their teacher that they maybe on the spectrum. Take the expectation off them and let your wife know they may never be good swimmers, you may be lucky just to have them learn basic safety rules and treading water.

Good luck.

Having gone through such parenting as your wife suggests, I am having some difficulty remaining unemotional about this issues. Your wife needs to read about "children with sensitivities" and understand that this is a neurological and real thing and not one to be addressed with psychobabble and her own childhood projections. We are simply wired differently and if she continues to deny this you are all in for a very hard road ahead. If she wants to be a loving mother then she needs t come out of denial herself and learn about your children perspective. There can be no empathy without understanding how their neurology effects their experiences. She should be proud and give them credit for withstanding the sensory issues that are involved with a pool....smells,sounds,feeling and even taste can all be over whelmed. The fact that your daughter has pushed herself to achieve as much as she has in-spite of these...is probably directly due to the "bullheadedness" that your wife notices as a negative. I had a desire to succeed and constantly pushed myself but to have that control taken away from me...psyching mysef up to withstand the sensory problems...I would also feel panicky. To continuously push someone pass their own point of tolerance will lead to some very negative psychological problems, (i speak from experience), including PTSD and dissociation. T constantly have your very own senses denied by those you love is very painful and confusing. She does not realize that other people are not sensing the same things and will come t believe that you are willingly torturing her....I am not exaggerating. I thought that way when I was kid.


I am 44 and can still not tolerate having water splashed on my face and will never swim with my head underwater...I manage to stay a float and get from one side of the pool to the other just fine with a modified frog kick and breast stroke or side stroke. I also could not control my underwater breathing and often got water in my mouth and nose...it's pretty painful and most humans have an aversion to pain....pretty normal behavior just that different things trigger pain for some of us.

I am glad you can advocate for your children...aspie ToM goes a long way in helping your kids understand and learn to except themselves and their own sensory experiences. Your real battle is getting your wife to open her eyes and acknowledge that this is real and if she wants some horror stories about what happens if she doesn't...I will be glad to send her y bio about drug abuse, sexual exploitation by others and eventual homelessness.

My son is HFA and it's taking forever for him to learn how to swim. But, some NT kids are the same way. My son's cousin is NT and she is wildly fearful about swimming. I tried to teach her some stuff and she panicked. I couldn't make any progress with her and she is 100% NT.

I wouldn't for forceful about learning how to swim. I would be consistent about it, but learning should be fun.

Okay, I don't think your wife gets ASDs. My daughter IS diagnosed and reacts exactly the same way. Many children on the spectrum struggle with the water issue. Sometimes it is hard to tell stubbornness from autistic traits because they're pretty identical in how they look...but what your wife has to realize is that, diagnosis or not, your child is struggling with some things. Understanding and talking to the kids will go a long way. Trying to force a spectrum kid out of their autism is only going to create a really messed up freaked out kid.

I think your spouse is being wrong and unintentionally cruel to your child so she has to be told even if she does get into a hissy fit about it. My fiance is terrified of deep water because she nearly drowned during a swimming lesson at school. She wasn't forced to go into the deep end but if she was, I think she would have had a major panic attack as she is very prone to these.

I wonder, has your wife done much reading about the spectrum? Getting a better understanding of what it means - from third party sources - would probably help with this problem. She is certainly welcome to come here and chat! I'm more NT than not, and being able to hear things from the perspective of those on the spectrum, and from other parents facing the same issues I do, has been a huge help. My parenting has changed completely based on the things I've learned over time. Lol, I've gotten my Aspie child down; it's my NT child I'm having trouble parenting now.