"The Barrier"

Post Reply New Topic

Nobody knows me. Not *really*. I've spent my whole life being what everyone else wants and expects me to be. I've been a good student, a compassionate friend, a dedicated employee, and dozens of other things for other people. But it's not real. The only reality behind it is that I know what people want from me, and I can give it to them. I'm not sure *I* know who I really am anymore. No matter what I appear to be, what I really am is a tailor-made lie, designed specifically for everybody else, because that's the 'me' that people like. And that's the saddest part of it all. If I were to be honest with everybody about what I think, nobody would like me. So, I keep lying. I try to convince everybody (especially me) that I'm happy and that I fit in here, because that's the greater good. I'm completely alone either way. If people like the person I pretend to be, any resulting relationship is just an illusion. And honesty has a loneliness all its own. Ultimately, it's the same fate.

I don't even know if I'm in control of it at all. Even if I wanted to change things, I'm not sure I could. It's as if I am only in control of my inner-most thoughts, but nothing else. The real me exists in solitary confinement in the back corner of my consciousness. Nobody knows I'm there, or can hear my cries. I am a prisoner in my own mind, being dragged, kicking and screaming, through my own life. The barrier between me and the world is very real. The Barrier acts as the middle-man for all of my actions, deciding which orders to pass along and which ones to ignore. The Barrier calls the shots, and has its own agenda. The Barrier wants to fit in, and make friends, and live a normal life, and it doesn't want me getting in the way. I can't tell whether or not The Barrier is protecting me. I'm miserable with it, but what would I do without it?

More and more I spend my time asleep. I've never been able to sleep well for very long, so I've taken to knocking myself out with drugs so I can seek refuge there. My dreams are the only place where The Barrier holds no authority. The nights are a welcome break from The Barrier's tyranny, but seem to do little more than taunt me with illusions of freedom before the dawn comes and takes it all away. Every day, I find less reason to get out of bed than I had the previous day. If I didn't have a job to go to, I'm not sure I would even bother. I get up to go to work, and sometimes go straight to sleep when I get home, sleeping as much as 16 hours a day. I don't see the point in doing much of anything anymore. Nothing matters. I've gone from having a good job, to having a bad job, to having no job, and it doesn't make a difference. I've gone from seeing friends every day, to not seeing a single other person for days on end, and it doesn't make a difference. I'm miserable and lonely no matter what. All I can do is continue to let The Barrier run my life while I try desperately to find something to stave off my descent into madness.

I recognize exactly what you mean, except I can't keep up "The Barrier" for more than a brief period of time. It's too exhausting. "The Barrier" is not an entirely bad thing, because it enables you to deal with society in a way that is not possible for many autistics. I feel more in control than you do, but on the other hand I do not have much of a functional relationship with the human elements of the world that I live in.

To get back in touch, you need to do something that is completely nonverbal and nonsocial. Walking in the forest, swimming in the ocean, drawing, photography, cooking, listening to music, loading your dishwasher, playing a nonverbal computer game -- whatever takes your fancy. Direct your full attention to the activity and the environment in which you do it, and do not make any verbal comments on it in your mind.

I've never seen someone so unrelated to myself articulate something I've felt in such an accurate way. We've both different situations, but wow, so similar. I've never been able to explain the idea of "seperation" that I've felt with the rest of the world, accurately anyway. Always get it wrong. Always attributed the problem to some reason totally unrelated... Anyway, man o man. I've always felt the problem was on my end, it was me who couldn't figure out the world, who couldn't explain how I felt, couldn't act the proper way, couldn't even speak at times. The problem WAS on my end, but the explanation wasn't as simple as me "choosing" to be seperated. It just happened, it just was.

I just want to say that you ain't alone dude, I've got chills right now reading your post. The pills, the sleep, I've not got to that point, thankfully. I'd advise reading around, finding different people, you'll find you aren't alone. Knowing that's nice, but does it help? It's helped me TONS. I'd hate to see the pills and sleep develop into something more dangerous.

The solitary confinement issue-I've felt it. I've hated spending the night at friend's houses, as I often talk in my sleep. Have I let a secret out? It's my deepest fear. Sleep is NOT my friend, only when I'm alone. I've WAY too many things to chance, too many secrets kept... My teeth show it at times, constantly thinking, constantly obsessing. Chipped two teeth thinking about something today...