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Mutanatia
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23 Aug 2008, 9:37 pm

Well, here we go with my NT mom not understanding me again. How do I better explain this? Tell me if this sounds right before I see if she can understand.

Aspies have a sort of...built-in social awkwardness (from an NT, such as mom's, perspectie) in them. That is, they don't pick up on cues. Granted, if you get a bunch of Aspies together, and provided they are willing to approach each other, etc., they will be able to communicate perfectly well because they don't hide feelings. When your voice goes up in pitch, it doesn't react well with me, and also it leads me to--because I am missing the social cue--believe that you are yelling at me.

When Dr. K tells you that Aspies look more at the region around the mouth than at the eyes, it means they're not well-versed in eye contact. In fact, for most people with, sometimes including myself, sometimes not (depends upon the day lol), eye contact does not come easily, seems unnatural, and makes Aspies avert eye contact. As a result, it is not just as easy as snapping you fingers and "Oh-my-god, eye contact comes as the easiest thing for me." This process, if an Aspie were to embark on it, would take years, maybe even decades, to get right.

Finally, being rejected really, really gets to an aspie such as myself. You wonder why I was depressed all of the summer, and then why I get ticked at you for not being able to discuss what is going in in college (which fell to pieces on me in a snap)? Both of these things have to do with being rejected. I was rejected for 3 years, actually, in college, and more so in college. You are rejecting my thoughts by not letting me talk about my disappointments in college.

Sure, all of this is easy for you, mom (an NT), but guess what? You're not an aspie. You haven't been written off as the odd little man, or had problems reading social cues all your life. So please, stop telling me that things such as keeping eye contact are as easy as pie, or that keeping a positive mindset is really easy, or acting like it is the simplest, easiest thing in the world. It's honestly not. Rewarding? Yes. But easy? No.

Does this make sense to you guys?



carturo222
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29 Aug 2008, 8:39 am

If it was easy for her while she was growing up, perhaps she won't be able to imagine that it could be otherwise for anyone else. Since you're her son, she expects you to have inherited some of her talents. And since she raised you, she expects you to have learned a thing or two from her. From her perspective, there's no reason why you shouldn't be as socially able as she sees herself to be: she has put in everything from her part. The blatant fact that you're having difficulties implies that she hasn't done as good a job as she thought she had. Your failure becomes her fault. No mother is willing to accept that thought.
Obviously it's not her fault (nor anyone's), but she doesn't live inside your head. She will never be able to see things as you see them. She filters information through her NT eyes, and Aspie traits just don't make sense within that cognitive framework. She is as able to understand you as you her. You're color-blind to each other.



Tahitiii
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29 Aug 2008, 10:11 am

I gave up on that one years ago. She will never get it, because the truth would kill her.

What she sees is some horrible monster standing between her and the beautiful, clone daughter she imagines must be in there somewhere. Newsflash -- I am the horrible monster that she has been trying to kill since birth. The clone daughter never existed and never will. She doesn't want to know me and will go to her grave believing whatever she likes. Nothing I say or do will ever matter.



ShawnWilliam
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04 Sep 2008, 8:31 am

Yeah there's a lot of ignorance out there.. I've had a similar eperience with my mom.. she's quite the ignorant one..