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Synth
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04 Oct 2008, 5:05 pm

Although I understand my condition more than anyone I've ever known, I don't understand why it has to be accompanied with a whole slew of other problems. I see a lot of people around here saying that AS the next step in evolution, and I would hate to crush this idea but not being able to connect or communicate with your fellow humans properly is hardly an advancement. I understand this though, as I've also experienced various subconscious states of mind/beliefs used to make myself feel better etc through-out my lifetime. Not only that but for some reason I briefly and randomly experience problems/loss with my fine motor skills, hand eye coordination, word retrieval, thought proccessing during certain moments, short term memory and siezures, a.d.d, meltdowns (usually triggered by thoughts or experiences), strange sensations in my brain, minor hallucinations (usually visual), minor turrets, o.c.d, certain rediculous fears, etc. Athough not everything I experience in my mind is "bad", on rare occasions I can stop myself from making a bad decision by "just knowing" it will turn out bad (when I get this peculiar feeling in my heart). I've done numerous things to test this ability and it works every time, but anyway, I guess I should explain some of the other things I mentioned.
(I'll talk about them in the order I listed above)
Rarely, I find it very difficult to walk properly, like I have to focus my mind entirely just to do it without appearing to be intoxicated or something of the sort. Also sometimes in the middle of playing a video game for instance, my hand eye coordination will suddenly fail. Word retrieval issues however are common for me, but having trouble focusing my thoughts can be especially problematic when I'm around others, yet rarely ever happens when I'm alone. My thinking patterns are actually quite complex and deep when no one is around to bother me, or when I'm not in the middle of something that doesn't pertain to my interests. Short term memory loss is a huge frustration as well, I don't really think I have the need to explain it though. Sometimes I randomly have peti mal siezures, and rarely experience another kind I have not researched yet, but it's like I'm getting pulled down and unable to move. That kind only happened once anyway. I have a.d.d in the sense that for instance when the tv is on, I can't hear what someone next to me is saying. Usually I have to be distraction free to do certain things. I've read how meltdowns are common for people like us, but damn, they suck! But anyway, I find that the most disturbing problem is the certain sensations I feel in my brain. I've written about it before in another forum but people basically told me to see a neurologist about it. I'm in the middle of finding one and I still don't know anything about it. It's like my brain flickers off and on rapidly like a dying light bulb, accompanied by the sinking feeling that I'm going to die... Very unpleasant, but so far it only happened twice. Once when I was waking up, (and I know this sounds strange) but also one night it happened multiple times in my sleep. On a lighter note, the sensation thats common but not nearly as bad is a numbness, or tense feeling in my mind, that can at times surge through-out my entire body (how bad it is usually depends on how frustrated I am or how much I need to stim etc). Concerning hallucinations, commonly I see something from the corner of my eye like a flash of light or something move that isn't there but when I turn my head to look at it, it's gone. However sometimes it's much more than that. One time I walked by my parents room, looked inside and saw a black misty shapeless (figure?) floating over my parents bed. I looked at it for three seconds straight, decided whatever it was, it had to have been bad, and turned away to go downstairs. Similar things like this have happened visually, but also auditory (a womans voice I can't understand), and in the form of a sensation. For example one night I went to the kitchen to poor a glass of milk and I felt like I was covered in spiderwebs but there was nothing there. When I say I have turrets I don't mean that I uncontrollably say the word "f**k" for no reason, I mean that sometimes I get some bad facial and body ticks, and even vocal ones (weird noises etc). My o.c.d is fairly minor, however it's very frustrating when I have conflicts with it in my thoughts. Concerning my main rediculous fears I'm frequently afraid of getting robbed, or getting bit by something poisonous/deadly even though thats highly unlikely in my area. Also something I forgot to mention before, and come to think of it now I can't think of what it's called, but re-runs of abuse and personal failures are pretty frequent in my mind which obviously one of my causes deep depression and anxiety. Also sometimes I get too focused for my own good, even making me forget about basic things such as eating etc.
I love who I am, but I hate how I have to have all these genetic defects. It would'nt be much better if I only had AS, but its overly rediculous that it just has to be more than that.. You know? I don't want it to sound like a complaint, but is there anyone else around here whose like me? That's what I'm getting at though, I always feel like I'm the only one.



Callista
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04 Oct 2008, 5:13 pm

I have heard of things like this resulting from having to actively process everything in your environment... For example, to recognize a chair as a chair, you have to look at it, analyze the mental image, create a pattern, access your word database, match word to pattern to image, and finally say "chair"... Most people link sensory data to "chair" immediately; others have to put out conscious effort. Same with walking, talking, doing a lot of every day things really. It sounds familiar to me. Maybe it has a little to do with mental planning, as well.

BTW, do us a favor & break up your post into paragraphs; it's easier to read it that way.


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Synth
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04 Oct 2008, 5:23 pm

Sorry about the paragraph thing I'll try to work on it, it's just how I write comfortably. You're right though, I do have planning issues as well. Also I forgot to mention sertain sounds and sensations drive me up the wall, but I'm pretty sure thats a common aspie trait.



Kelsi
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04 Oct 2008, 5:24 pm

Synth,
You are definitely not alone! :D
From what you have described, it sounds to me like you are an Aspie who may well be suffering from both Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your experiences sound very similar to mine. After being on medication for a while for TLE, I then decided to try natural treatment. I took vitamin B6 and magnesium every day - no more TLE seizures! However, I continue to have extrasensory/psychic experiences :wink: .

As for PTSD, it is very common among Aspies. Being a 'square peg' forced into a 'round hole' is experienced by us as abuse. An accummulation of such incidents over time is traumatic. 'reruns of abuse and personal failures' fits with this, as do fears.

Short term memory problems can be a result of both seizures and of PTSD.



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04 Oct 2008, 5:25 pm

I have had some of your symptoms when I was very young. I don’t know if this would be helpful but I got around them by impersonating others. What I mean by that is I am very good at doing impersonations. I observe someone for a while and a pretend to be him. By doing this I have been able to control the way I speak and the way I talk. News reporters on TV are a good source of this.



Synth
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04 Oct 2008, 5:40 pm

When I was much younger I tried to impersonate people for fun, but I was never very good at it. I never thought of it as a way of helping me like you have though, interesting.
I understand the square peg analogy but my ptsd is mostly based on how my parents treated me, with yelling and hitting (telling me these days it was because they didn't understand me w/e) and also having horrible experiences with classmates/teachers and the workplace. Mostly just the world giving me a really hard time about everything, and me being left with nothing to do about it.. But these days I consume my time with things I enjoy to keep my mind off bad thoughts, or thinking about how great it would be if I was in a relationship with someone and we were in love etc usually works too. I think that if I at least could get such things in my life, I will be completely cured of my pain. Pondering about the "meaning of life stuff" is always fun too haha.

I don't think things will always be this hopeless though, I've been doing a good amount of research on how advanced brain science has become. Scientists say that within years they will be able to replace defective aspects of the nervous system with healthy ones and much more so.. Our future sounds quite bright actually :D



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04 Oct 2008, 5:41 pm

Coadunate wrote:
I have had some of your symptoms when I was very young. I don’t know if this would be helpful but I got around them by impersonating others. What I mean by that is I am very good at doing impersonations. I observe someone for a while and a pretend to be him. By doing this I have been able to control the way I speak and the way I talk. News reporters on TV are a good source of this.


I mimiced TV reporters and anchormen so well when I lived in Hawaii the locals there noticed immediately! A wise woman there said in the local patois 'daKine' "you sound like one
six o'clock news!"
I have modulated the British accent I was born with into a accentless 'American' accent. (And no, I was born and raised in Kansas and me nor my parents have ever been to England. It was just a way the AS manifested)

Merle


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Warsie
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04 Oct 2008, 6:16 pm

Synth wrote:
Scientists say that within years they will be able to replace defective aspects of the nervous system with healthy ones and much more so.. Our future sounds quite bright actually :D


Sounds like a cure for autism......and that doesn't seem 'bright' for autistic people if it's forced on them to be 'normal' and all...

Quote:
Iand I would hate to crush this idea but not being able to connect or communicate with your fellow humans properly is hardly an advancement.


odd; given we're all communicating over the internet; something autistic people worked on-see Bran Cohen and bittorrent. We're communicating WELL aren't we!

Not to mention specialization-that is what the current society seems to be heading towards anyway assuming no oil peka and whatnot.


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Last edited by Warsie on 04 Oct 2008, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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04 Oct 2008, 6:20 pm

Synth wrote:
Although I understand my condition more than anyone I've ever known, I don't understand why it has to be accompanied with a whole slew of other problems. I see a lot of people around here saying that AS the next step in evolution, and I would hate to crush this idea but not being able to connect or communicate with your fellow humans properly is hardly an advancement. I understand this though, as I've also experienced various subconscious states of mind/beliefs used to make myself feel better etc through-out my lifetime.


Actually, evolution is unlikely to ever be 100% forward. While it is an unpopular belief, another belief is that whites, blacks, asians, etc... are along an evolutionary path. Although I don't now about Asians, blacks and whites are clearly better than one another. In some ways better or worse suited for an environment, and each has problems the other doesn't. Sorry if that sounds racist, but it is true. And that is even just looking at the blood and skin. AS people DO have some good aspects. That doesn't mean they don't have bad ones.

Synth wrote:
Not only that but for some reason I briefly and randomly experience problems/loss with my fine motor skills, hand eye coordination, word retrieval, thought proccessing during certain moments, short term memory and siezures, a.d.d, meltdowns (usually triggered by thoughts or experiences), strange sensations in my brain, minor hallucinations (usually visual), minor turrets, o.c.d, certain rediculous fears, etc. Athough not everything I experience in my mind is "bad", on rare occasions I can stop myself from making a bad decision by "just knowing" it will turn out bad (when I get this peculiar feeling in my heart). I've done numerous things to test this ability and it works every time, but anyway, I guess I should explain some of the other things I mentioned.


I WISH I could say I couldn't relate at all. Still, that doesn't happen with me THAT often, and probably not to the scale it happens to you. Still, who says that is simply AS?

Synth wrote:
(I'll talk about them in the order I listed above)
Rarely, I find it very difficult to walk properly, like I have to focus my mind entirely just to do it without appearing to be intoxicated or something of the sort. Also sometimes in the middle of playing a video game for instance, my hand eye coordination will suddenly fail. Word retrieval issues however are common for me, but having trouble focusing my thoughts can be especially problematic when I'm around others, yet rarely ever happens when I'm alone. My thinking patterns are actually quite complex and deep when no one is around to bother me, or when I'm not in the middle of something that doesn't pertain to my interests.


Still, as you said, it IS less likely when alone. Word retrieval issues MIGHT be simply appearance. MANY have those problems.

Synth wrote:
Short term memory loss is a huge frustration as well, I don't really think I have the need to explain it though.


Nope, NO NEED. :cry: Still, MANY have problems. If they didn't, homework and school might not exist.

Synth wrote:
Sometimes I randomly have peti mal siezures, and rarely experience another kind I have not researched yet, but it's like I'm getting pulled down and unable to move. That kind only happened once anyway.


Actually, that is NOT a typical petit mal seizure! Apparently, I HAVE had typical petit mal seizures. THEY aren't going to be present in ALL people with AS. Medicine plus says they usually occur between 6 and 12. I know I DID have them around 6, but can't remember them earlier. They all but stopped between 9 and 12.

Synth wrote:
I have a.d.d in the sense that for instance when the tv is on, I can't hear what someone next to me is saying. Usually I have to be distraction free to do certain things. I've read how meltdowns are common for people like us, but damn, they suck! But anyway, I find that the most disturbing problem is the certain sensations I feel in my brain. I've written about it before in another forum but people basically told me to see a neurologist about it. I'm in the middle of finding one and I still don't know anything about it. It's like my brain flickers off and on rapidly like a dying light bulb, accompanied by the sinking feeling that I'm going to die... Very unpleasant, but so far it only happened twice. Once when I was waking up, (and I know this sounds strange) but also one night it happened multiple times in my sleep. On a lighter note, the sensation thats common but not nearly as bad is a numbness, or tense feeling in my mind, that can at times surge through-out my entire body (how bad it is usually depends on how frustrated I am or how much I need to stim etc). Concerning hallucinations, commonly I see something from the corner of my eye like a flash of light or something move that isn't there but when I turn my head to look at it, it's gone. However sometimes it's much more than that. One time I walked by my parents room, looked inside and saw a black misty shapeless (figure?) floating over my parents bed. I looked at it for three seconds straight, decided whatever it was, it had to have been bad, and turned away to go downstairs. Similar things like this have happened visually, but also auditory (a womans voice I can't understand), and in the form of a sensation. For example one night I went to the kitchen to poor a glass of milk and I felt like I was covered in spiderwebs but there was nothing there. When I say I have turrets I don't mean that I uncontrollably say the word "f**k" for no reason, I mean that sometimes I get some bad facial and body ticks, and even vocal ones (weird noises etc). My o.c.d is fairly minor, however it's very frustrating when I have conflicts with it in my thoughts. Concerning my main rediculous fears I'm frequently afraid of getting robbed, or getting bit by something poisonous/deadly even though thats highly unlikely in my area. Also something I forgot to mention before, and come to think of it now I can't think of what it's called, but re-runs of abuse and personal failures are pretty frequent in my mind which obviously one of my causes deep depression and anxiety. Also sometimes I get too focused for my own good, even making me forget about basic things such as eating etc.
I love who I am, but I hate how I have to have all these genetic defects. It would'nt be much better if I only had AS, but its overly rediculous that it just has to be more than that.. You know? I don't want it to sound like a complaint, but is there anyone else around here whose like me? That's what I'm getting at though, I always feel like I'm the only one.


OK, some of THAT is uncommon, or weird. The dark figure MIGHT have been a floater or a delusion. The voice COULD have been real, but from another source. The spider web could have been real. A spider CAN make a web FAST! They can make drop lines in SECONDS! I once had a persistant spider that rebuilt a web THREE times in one day. It MIGHT have been more, but I got tired of it, and killed the spider. I usually let spiders live, but it was my front door! The spider should have gotten the message!



Synth
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04 Oct 2008, 6:34 pm

Actually I agree with everything you've said, I should have worded things more properly in the first place :lol:
When people say its part of evolution, they usually mean its a step forward, to make themselves feel better about the situation.
As far as race goes, I don't believe what you said is what they call "racist" either. Although race is kind of a touchy subject for me and I'd rather not get into it (although I am white), hating because of color is never a good enough reason. Yes, aspies do have some good aspects, but it hardly matters when all the bad ones drown them out most of the time when you try to live a so called "normal" life...
Although I listed some common aspie traits, it's the seemingly uncommon ones that I wanted to know if other aspies experienced them as well.
About the voice, I was home alone, in bed at night, and I heard it inside my mind briefly, which is very different than hearing it from an outside source. I also believe that a spider can make webs quickly, but I just walked downstairs with my shirt off, and suddenly it felt like I was tangled in it, trying to swipe it off, but there was nothing there.



Synth
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04 Oct 2008, 6:39 pm

Warsie wrote:
odd; given we're all communicating over the internet; something autistic people worked on-see Bran Cohen and bittorrent. We're communicating WELL aren't we!

Expressing your thoughts through written word is very different than communicating to others with your voice. Ask any aspie.



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04 Oct 2008, 8:28 pm

I have a theory that any sociological group goes through 4 phases

1) Identity - we realize we're not alone, and we find a name to identify our group with
2) Solidarity - we seek out others of our kind, and interact and draw strength from each other.
3) Superiority - since we all agree to be nice and kind to each other, some think we're better than everyone else
4) Assimilation - people outside the group recognize us as a group, some (over)simplification rules on how to treat us,
and on to the next group.

AS is a spectrum. Some of us 'hide' it better than others, some revel in it, some don't know how to deal with it. Symptoms will vary, by person, possibly even by time. There's still a lot of research to be done, treatments (or accomodations), etc.



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04 Oct 2008, 8:33 pm

Hmm... As for the hallucinations, those might be related to seizures. I remember one person on this board saying that she started hallucinating colored lights after beginning to take a medication, and it turned out that she was having constant seizures in her occipital lobe (I think it was that area). It seems that you could have some seizure activity causing your random shutdown-like moments, also. I would be worried about getting diagnosed with schizophrenia with those symptoms if you went to a shrink, though, even though you don't sound psychotic.

I have to admit that I show a lot less symptoms of AS and related conditions, but I can relate to being prone to paranoia, and having to think consciously about walking. (Breathing also, sometimes. I forget to breathe, swallow air and stuff...)



Mutanatia
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04 Oct 2008, 8:36 pm

Kelsi wrote:
Synth,
As for PTSD, it is very common among Aspies. Being a 'square peg' forced into a 'round hole' is experienced by us as abuse. An accummulation of such incidents over time is traumatic. 'reruns of abuse and personal failures' fits with this, as do fears.


Define this "abuse." I'm wondering because...would this explain my memory flashes? Would being rejected b girls qualify as your definition of "abuse," or are we talking more about physical abuse, etc.?



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04 Oct 2008, 9:03 pm

Synth: It's like my brain flickers off and on rapidly like a dying light bulb, accompanied by the sinking feeling that I'm going to die...

I have felt just like that before! Also feeling like your covered in spiderwebs. The other things did not really ring a bell though. I have no idea what I would do without AS or whatever other problem I have. Sometimes it can be so frusterating though.



Kelsi
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04 Oct 2008, 10:05 pm

Mutanatia wrote:
Kelsi wrote:
Synth,
As for PTSD, it is very common among Aspies. Being a 'square peg' forced into a 'round hole' is experienced by us as abuse. An accummulation of such incidents over time is traumatic. 'reruns of abuse and personal failures' fits with this, as do fears.


Define this "abuse." I'm wondering because...would this explain my memory flashes? Would being rejected b girls qualify as your definition of "abuse," or are we talking more about physical abuse, etc.?


Abuse can be emotional or psychological, not just physical. Being rejected by girls may or may not be abuse - it depends on how they went about it, what they did and said, etc. However, even if rejection is not done in an abusive way, it can still be traumatic. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur after a single major event, or as a result of an accummulation of trauma from many individual events, or from a prolonged event. Memory 'flashbacks' can be a symptom of PTSD if they are uncontrolled, intrusive, vivid and traumatic.