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anna-banana
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08 Oct 2008, 4:34 pm

I've had a few attempts at this and it always looks the same.

it starts off great- breaking the ice, long conversations, holding hands, gazing at stars and all that crap. then it becomes your daily bread, you get used to each other, certain things start to annoy you.

this is where I always fail.

I've been accused of not being able to compromise. the thing is- this is not compromise at *all* the way I see it. compromise means something that *both* parties agree to- not pressing someone into doing something they absolutely hate for the sake of the relationship.

suddenly what seemed to be a perfect deal starts to turn into real mental terror, total hostile takeover of one's personal freedom. it's been like that so many times before that I actually started to associate love with oppression. constant nagging, constant you-have-to's and why-don't-you's, all that crap about "what couples do".

why is it so important for people to do things the way others do? so what if other couples sleep together in one bed- I *can't* sleep with someone who snores, takes half the bed and makes all kinds of strange noises.

so what if other couples hang out with other couples, go visit their families, go on holiday together- if some things are a real, physical torture for one party, why can't the other just leave it be?

it feels like being judged *all the f*****g time*.

is it really that much to ask- respecting each others space, accepting the fact that "we" are not an "item" or "two halves", we are two individuals on equal rights, one of those being not having to do things we don't feel like doing, not having to "keep up appearances" and not having to spend every bloody second together.

if relationships didn't imply regular sex I swear would have given up on this whole idea long ago.

there's so many people on here who are either married or in succesful relationships- how do you do it? how do you manage to "compromise" with them and make them understand how important your personal freedom is to you? how do you manage to keep love from turning into hate?


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ValMikeSmith
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08 Oct 2008, 5:42 pm

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how do you manage to "compromise" with them and make them understand how important your personal freedom is to you?


I don't know. Let me think about it...

Ok. I don't compromise. My personal freedom is un-negotiable.
I don't form any relationships wherein the other party would not respect that.

Don't assume incorrectly that because I am an AS male with involuntary celibacy symptom that I don't have any relationships (and therefore can't possibly have those kind of issues anyway).



Fnord
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08 Oct 2008, 5:49 pm

Compromise? Whazzat?

More like bargaining, as in "Okay, I'll go with you to your cousin's baby shower, but don't expect me to do more than eat and watch TV."

Or something like, "I'll cook supper if you let me finish this project uninterrupted."

Compromise for us is more like a Quid-Pro-Quo agreement (lit.; "This-For-That").


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anna-banana
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08 Oct 2008, 6:02 pm

yeah but in my case it always seems like: my suffering for your whim. or maybe I just perceive it like that...?


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Fnord
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08 Oct 2008, 6:11 pm

If your suffering involves performing an action that is degrading, disgusting, humiliating, or downright painful just to please your partner, then you need to lose that partner.

If being asked to do change your behaviour to make things more pleasant (i.e., "Please chew with your mouth closed") makes you suffer because it seems like criticism, then maybe a little re-evaluation of your own behaviour might be in order.

If instead you suffer any time your partner merely requests a harmless favour, then maybe you could try to look at it as a small sacrifice for the sake of the relationship, or respond with your own counter-offer.

"Sure, I'll do that thing you like if you promise to treat me to dinner and a movie right afterwards..." :wink:


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anna-banana
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08 Oct 2008, 6:22 pm

I think it started with this really bad relationship a long time ago and even though I ended it pretty quickly I sort of still associate any attempt to bargain with me with what I had to endure back then.

it's weird how this one dissrespectful prick really managed to put me off any sort of bargaining of my personal freedom.

I've been wondering if it's even possible to be with someone when you have that sort of a wall around you that I've developed.

I'm not sure I could even bring myself to go to some cousins baby shower like you did fnord.

I take criticism pretty well though as long as it's constructive.


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carturo222
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08 Oct 2008, 7:58 pm

Anna,

Your post reminded me of this song by Alanis Morissette, which happens to match my concept of love.

Your idea of a relationship (freedom, openness, honesty, trust) is something too valuable to sacrifice. Don't waste it in someone who can't appreciate it.



Esther
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08 Oct 2008, 9:51 pm

Anna,

My AS ex-husband-to-be thinks and feels about relationships the way you do. Ours failed after five years of marriage.

Some would view what you're saying as pretty selfish. If being answerable to no one and placing your needs first and foremost is more important, then I would suggest that a relationship is not the answer. What you're looking for is a sex buddy that you won't and don't have to live with.

Another way is to try to meet someone who has an approach to relationships exactly like yours. I hope you find what you're looking for.



tahloola
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09 Oct 2008, 12:46 am

esther said:

Quote:
My AS ex-husband-to-be thinks and feels about relationships the way you do. Ours failed after five years of marriage.

Some would view what you're saying as pretty selfish. If being answerable to no one and placing your needs first and foremost is more important, then I would suggest that a relationship is not the answer. What you're looking for is a sex buddy that you won't and don't have to live with.


ahhh....I dunno 'bout that.....

sex buddy?.....heh....heh....(what's tater's.....eh?....po....ta....toes!! !! ! - boil em....mash em....cook em in a stew!! !)

I think that Alanis's lyrics deserve a read:

"I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it.
I will give you encouragment to choose the path you want if you need it.
You can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called "shamefilled" accounts of times in your life and I
won't judge it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it.
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want, anything at all and I'll understand it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths, even if it means I'll lose you and I'll
hear it.
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss, I'll empathize with.
You can say that you'll have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear
it.
You can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.
And there are no strings attached.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return."



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09 Oct 2008, 5:11 am

This is me in a nutshell.


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anna-banana
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09 Oct 2008, 2:07 pm

thanks for all feedback guys. I'll definately have to think about it some more (especially accusations about me being selfish- I heard them so many times that I'm starting to believe it).

I'd still love to hear some good advice from the happily married though :wink:

definately the song you quoted fits what I think about the subject pretty well.

(I didn't recognise you in that new avatar carturo, nice one :D )


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Fnord
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09 Oct 2008, 2:43 pm

anna-banana wrote:
I'd still love to hear some good advice from the happily married though :wink:

Send your questions in a PM.


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0_equals_true
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09 Oct 2008, 4:09 pm

There are things I won't budge on, but I can be accommodating for the right person. What I won't tolerate is any kind of controlling behaviour that goes with some neurotic people. That is the ultimate turn off.

To be honest the type of relationship that would be ideal would be one where we are both quite independent, but see each other some of the time. I'm not interested in taking up all their time. Some quality time each week is more than enough for me I think. I admire it if their have their own interests.



tahloola
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09 Oct 2008, 7:14 pm

anna-banna said:

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I'd still love to hear some good advice from the happily married though


I am happily married.

We both require space (freedom) and time to ourselves. But we also have interests in common and do these things together (kayaking, skiiing...etc) but - also don't demand that one or the other keep up any of these interests - if one, or the other ...get's bored....then we adapt and whoever is still interested keeps pursuring the interest - without trying to force the one who is bored to continue....

we accept cycles of interest....non-interest....
cycles of intensity, boredom
social interaction......isolation

intellectural stims.....or not....
sexual highs/lows/non-existence-ness.....and back again...

laughter.....social faux pas's.....anger....inappropriate displays....forgiveness....
connectedness and dis-connectedness...

family cohesion......family disfunction....

or.....

just...

individual pursuits......(selfish, selfish, selfish.....but - SO!).....heh....heh...

and then back again...
to lovey-dovey....ville....

through thick.....and thin......and back again!! :lol:



tahloola
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09 Oct 2008, 10:56 pm

okkkkkkkohhhhhhh!! !

thread-killer time.......eeek...... :oops:



anna-banana
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10 Oct 2008, 12:02 pm

tahloola thank's a lot, I see succes in this field might be possible after all.

do you mind telling me if your husband is NT?


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