Imaginary self-punishment

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When I'm really, really embarrassed, I tend to feel I deserve to be punished. Then what I usually do is imagine that someone points a pistol at my head and shoots. I have a vivid imagination; I even picture the bullet going through my skull and making a mess inside.

When I've made a totally gross mistake, and my embarrassment reaches epic proportions, I imagine a firing squad surrounding me from all directions and shooting directly at my head at the same time. Sometimes I wonder whether the bullets will collide with each other inside my head.

And when I'm absolutely angry at myself for something of supreme stupidity that I have done, my image is that of a single executioner with a machinegun discharging all of the bullets in quick succession and filling my skull with bullets.

Is this common? Is this unhealthy? Is this a reason for worry?

To me it means you are not accepting your humanness. We are ALL defective in one way or another. Or as I like to look at it we are all perfectly human. How about starting to imagine yourself rescuing you from the bullets because you can see your many good qualities outweigh your negatives. i have decided that the only time I will feel anther human is superior to me is if they do not have to take a shi*t! So far I haven't met anyone superior.

There are, what 6 billion people on earth? What could you have done that is so awful, that millions of others haven't done? Me. when I'm really embarrassed, I just start rocking and talking to myself. So, I'm a strange one- but you knew that already because I'm on this site.

I been there. Probably not as much, but I do tend to get after myself for not being perfect. I know better, but it still feels that way sometimes.

I'm something of a perfectionist toward myself also. I've tried to change this, and I've been able to better tolerate some of my own mistakes more, but there's always some amount of self-loathing if I drop the ball on something that was really important to me. It just pisses me off so much I can't describe the amount of rage I feel toward the world when I do that.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|

Maybe you're enacting the execution you went through from a past life that was ended by a firing squad!





Kidding, but it might be related to some form of OCD. I have some obsessions in the brain that come automatically without thinking. This usually happens when I get nervous about something and then automatically I picture myself going homeless and other embarassing repetitious aspects.

Not sure unless maybe you went through something traumatic like a shooting? If so, this could be a form of PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This usually happens when you're under a certain amount or similar event of stress. Usually the event that was traumatic is played over again like a record without conscious effort.

I've never been shot. It's a wholly mental process. OCD is a strong hypothesis I've considered too.

Oddly enough, I go through that same image of homelessnes every time I think about my long-term future. It's an image I still can't ward off.

I do something similar to this. I put myself in a mental cage where people throw rocks at me. But not so often anymore.

Try seppuku.

Oh yeah, I have a whole bunch of these. I imagine a noose tightening around my neck, or a knife going through my abdomen. I don't think it's healthy but it's sort of automatic. This kind of obsessive imagery has been known to contribute towards meltdowns/panic attacks.

Who is the donkey? And what are you doing in Colombia?

1) The donkey is a character from a series of books for children.

2) I was born in Colombia. I've always lived here.

Yeah. It sounds like perfectionism... goodness knows that's common among Aspies. I've never imagined things like that for self-punishment, but I did it a great deal as a pre-teen, just fantasizing about death... looking back on those times, I'm quite certain I was severely depressed. I'm not saying that you are--identical behaviors often stem from different causes, and I see a lot of my own perfectionistic tendencies in your description of your fantasies. I get very disappointed in myself when I don't do my best.

Certainly these images get more severe for me when I'm depressed. When depression gets really bad they start to take over.

When I feel guilty, I think of my siblings and I feel better immediately, what with them being more evil than anyone in this world.

What's the children's book called? That donkey is lovely! And do you look as innocent as he?

You're lucky to live in Colombia, because you guys have Sta. Marta and San Andres, the Quindio y la Zona Cafetera, y Cafe con Aroma de Mujer.

And how come your English is so good?

1) The book series is called Winnie the Pooh. You can read more about it here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winnie_the_pooh

The donkey is called Eeyore, and he was my favorite character in the movies that Disney made from the books.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eeyore

As you can see, I have just changed my avatar, but I still identify much with Eeyore's attitude toward life.

2) I don't get to travel much across my own country, but you're right. Nature has given us several valuable gifts.

I studied at a good language academy in my city, Barranquilla. It took me six years to achieve decent proficiency.

How do you know so much about Colombia?