Old Soul

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mosex, I fell asleep today. I did not sleep last night. Never have I been so depressed. I lost track of day or night. I have no clock. People say I have no concept of time. I suppose they are right. I never really was able to hold a job...my federal ss form says zero now for years. My wife supports me. I guess I am fortunate that way. But I live in a small town. I am the monster. I have not told everyone what haunts me so badly. I'm trapped in my room and afraid to leave my house now for over a year. I do go in my yard but people yell as they drive by...saying awful things. They have me all wrong. They believed the papers. Someone decided to pick on me because I was different ...od...and when I went to school to see my little girl, they did not feel comfortable accused me of being a pervert. The whole thing went to court. I was best friends with the prosecutor for 18 years. And that made matters even worse. The papers took my name away from me. I'm terrified to leave my home. I'm stuck here. I used to be a sailor. I own 3 large yachts....they are all in storage now. The only place I go is to a big old Catholic church 1 hour from my house where I feel safe. I play in the sanctuary until 10 p.m at night all by myself. Since thanksgiving, I stopped eating. I want to give up. Yesterday, after finding this site, I got up courage and went outside to get some wood for the wood burner. I got poison ivy all over my body. I felt it was as if the earth herself has rejected me. People will laugh and then I will try to say a joke. and they will say, "That's not funny" or "your point is?" and people who might know me will walk with me possibly but then stop short of where they were going so others do not see me with them. I feel dirty. I feel that I am dishusted with myself. My dad beat me until I was 18 when I left the house. He said, Erick you are my only failure. He would take me and grab my hair and throw me in circles and I would be thrown against a wall or furniture. I would urinate out of fear and terror. He said I was a wast of oxygen. Yet I became a relatively good violinist. I'm not Joshua Bell. But I can play the thing. I was a concert master in 87. then, I quit because my parents did not come see me play my solos. I figured what was the point to play if no one that I loved came to hear me. My violin was my best friend growing up. I spent about 6 hours a day with her. She had a name. And I often slept with her. I was always the one ignored in school. I hung out with all the other not popular people at lunch at that one table....mostly, I went and played my violin in the sound proof rooms by myself. I've been sleeping for days....I think I am awake mostly at night now. All I have is this computer. My wife just came in and talked to me. She is a very respected teacher. She has her masters and is working towards here doctorate. She teaches 7th grade science...was an 8th grade science teacher. My degree is in sports medicine. I never earned one penny in the field. I never ever found a job. They say I am a sponge and a worthless bum. I'm not. I work really hard on my house. But I realize I am like a ret*d person. I can do the most complex math things...I take care of every penny in every account and I make money by investing in cd's. I'm an artist. I'm a violinist....with no paying audience...they all sneak and hear me for free. People say, Oh my God! Who are YOU!! !! But no one pays me. I am afraid to be happy. I'm afraid of success. 'I'm afraid and terrified of the world. I'm 42 and only found out I have aspergers 2 years ago. Some say, I am gifted but I feel cursed. I'm OCD and I can not let anything look non geometrical....everything must have it's place. I am never happy with what I play. People say, that was so beautiful but I know it sounds horrible. I hear every mistake. I never get sayings right...piece of (pie or cake) and stop stepping on my (toes or feet??), don't breath up my back or neck???? These terms mean nothing to me. I can't visualize them and they don't seem to have a meaning to me. I can't remember names hardly at all. You are mozes...he was in the bible. But you have a cigarette in your mouth. So, I am confused. It will be hard thinking of moses as smoking. He never did that. Erick ~ I call myself Erick but my real name is Eric. I do not want to be the same person my parents called me.

Also, everyone takes advantage of me. I always say yes no matter what they ask because I want to be accepted. Then I get taken advantage of and feel upset about it and lash out. And then they think..what is up with this guy? But they should be smart enough to know not to use me so often. Abuse has carried on..but not by my parents but by others. one in particular has abused me in a major way. And I just let it happen. I want to be accepted. i realize I hurt myself. I can only imagine now why God gave up on me. I am a pond that has become filthy. And no matter how often I bathe, I can not become clean. I clean myself at least 3 times a day. I'm I a total freak? I can't get past my losses. I live within my day that my losses occur ed. I blame myself for the death of my daughter....my failed marriage.....for everyone hating me in my town.....for the court case.... I am who they say. I am the monster... I do not belong here. Everyone is better than me. I was put here to suffer.

I would go to a doctor but they do not care. I'm smarter than that! I know now what it is all about. They want their money. And they will think as they talk to me...he is a real waste of oxygen. but they will listen for an hour and then push me out the door. They could care less about me. What I need is a friend...like everyone else has...someone who is a kindred soul. I need someone who can understand me. No one understands me. I'm alone alone alone. Why do they all hate me? Can't I be me? I try so hard to be like them. I feel that I was not supposed to be born now. I have dreams that I lived hundreds of years ago. And I died some horrible death or that I did something wrong....It is unclear. But here I am now. The other day, someone e mailed me. I had no idea who she was. She was very beautiful. She said words that were so kind and so loving. She said I was an old soul. She said that she understood. She comes from out of no where. I have no idea who she is. But she made me feel that she is an angel. So, I go by old soul. But most knew me as prodigy violinist. I'm Erick.

Erick

Sorry to hear about some of the crap in your life. Aside from specific details with parents it sounds like my life and I imagine many others here. As I've found out, you're not alone. Life is a puzzle and knowing WHO and WHAT you are helps so much in finishing it. How many people can truly say they know who they are and mean it?

It sounds like you need to move somewhere else where you won't be a slave to your house/community and don't feel the need to give a damn what everyone else around you thinks. I know it's hard being so sensitive of what others think of you. But at the end of the day it's just their opinion which ultimately doesn't equate to much importance in the big scheme of things.

Don't give up hope. We were made this way to find the answers to life so the 'typicals' as I like to refer to them, can enjoy it since they usually aren't wired for truth seeking like us. In the end we make humanity better whether they realize it or not. Whether or not they do isn't important.

We all have a purpose in life. Right now yours is to eat a sandwich imo and hug your wife.