Split non-communicating parents, things I worry about.

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Just to note,

I would never do many of these things, Just I worry about some of the issues coming across from the other end, but for the sake of relating and argument I added both sides to the equation.

I would never talk bad about or try and alienate or turn my child against his mother. nor do I have any intent of playing any of these harmful games with my sons feelings and life,

but I am not so sure if she wouldn't, the less she communicates with me the more easier it is to believe she would,

and many of the issues could be caused from the needless lack of communications in the first place.

I am sure there would be other unexpected issues I will have to contend with, any foresight and advice would be appreciated.

Please remember, I can not force her to be reasonable or communicate with me even if its in the best interests of our child, she already declared she does not want to co-parent or communicate with me.

The only thing I can imagine the mother thinking is these things wont happen if you just give him up and get out of our lives forever.

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Mommy and daddy hate/don't like each other!

Mommy/Daddy loves me more then Daddy/Mommy!

Its my fault they broke up and are not communicating!
they wont tell me why so it must be because of me!

Mommy/Daddy blames everything on the other parent!

Mommy/Daddy must have been such a bad person or wont try!
I hate Mommy/Daddy because of this, if it was not because
of that we could still be a happy family together!

Mommy/Daddy wont or did not try hard enough for my sake,
he/she must not really love me as much as my other parent.

Mommy/Daddy will love me more if I take their side while I am with them!

Mommy/Daddy talks bad about Daddy/Mommy and I hate them for it,
it makes me feel like I got to take sides!

Mommy/Daddy never talk so I can say well Daddy/Mommy lets me do this and that so why can I not do that here!
they wont know the difference if neither does let me and so I may be able to get away with it.

I love Daddy/Mommy more because they let me do things the other parent wont let me.

I Hate you because you make me do this this and that when Mommy/Daddy does not make me!

I hate you because you wont let me, I want to go live with Daddy/Mommy because he/she will!

If Mommy treats daddy this way and this is normal then maybe thats what I should do if I ever get into
a relationship that fails and have children of my own, just be unreasonable and go for blood and total alienation,
I would be done with the other person so why not? it did not matter how I felt or what I wanted or needed,
and they did not care to communicate in and for my sake and best interest but instead only cared for them selves,
so why not pass the buck and teach my own children to do the same! be a good example!

Mommy and Daddy are competing for my affections and to win me over!
great time to get spoiled or have things my way!

Mommy/Daddy are competing to be the better parent, god I hate that because they start trying to make
me do things that I do not want to do just to make them selves look better! and to top it off its not what they
really want to do in the first place if they was not competing! their not being real! they are just using me prepping
for their next dispute over me! don't/cant I have a say? I know at this time I am only 3+.

(siblings) Mommy is competing over my brother! why can I not get that kind of attention and affection!
What makes him so special?! I hate him! its not fair or right! and its not right he gets his real daddy and I don't!

Mommy/Daddy must hate me for some reason because he/she has not come
to see me in such a long time, (vacations and stuff).

I want to go live with Mommy/Daddy because they can afford me bigger better toys!

Mommy/Daddy never cares to communicate or get along because in the end one of them thinks
they will get full custody of me regardless of how much I care for and about the other or them me
or how good that parent is for me and my life, why care if they are going to be gone some day
and I may as well get used too it.

Mommy/Daddy wont come to my school play/activitys and watch so I can make them so proud because of my other parent or because they do not love me enough to come reguardless, I want to see both my loving parents come be proud of me!

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I think you get the point,
any ideas and advice please?
this is all one sided so I have to approach it as such.

Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 16 Dec 2008, 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i think so much of this is normal for kids of divorce to think- the key is to reassure your child that he/she is loved by you because they are a unique individual....that you'll do whatever it takes to make your child a productive, happpy memeber of society- and then, most importantly, follow through with your promises.......you cannot control what the ex says or does. you can ask politely that they act civil. beyond that, i don't think there's much you can do regarding the ex

Yes, but if I know more of what to expect and how to handle it then I can try and make his life a little easier and better, help him cope and understand without gaining an attitude or being hurt because of it

I have joint custody with my ex, and my main worry is that our discipline styles/levels and/or values won't be/aren't consistent, and that this confuses our child, and makes it harder for him to learn.

How long ago did you split? Is your ex being reasonable? As long as you are both committed to the good of your child, most of your fears aren't really anything to worry about. In other words, they are a child's fears, which are reassured through normal, everyday interactions, and growing older.

If you have reason to believe that she isn't commited to the good of your children, that is a different story, entirely.

we have joint custody, we split up when he was only 1 year and 9 months old.
as for commitment, I feel she is only interested in her own life,
not in how much our child may feel now or in the future about needing both of us in his life,
nor to somehow make his life a little easier or better between homes and routines,
the only time she seemed interested in routines is wanting me to change mine to suit hers.
rather one sided.

My son is almost 7 years old. My husband and I separated about a year and half ago now. I had, and still have, loads of concerns about how he views the separation and how it affects him.

My fears, and my son's reality though, are very different.

When I spoke to a close friend shortly before I left my (bullying) husband, I expressed fears about how it would affect our son. My friend, whose parents separated when she was a similar age, reminded me that a 39 year old woman's thoughts and fears are very different from those of a small child. She said to me that children are very resilient in the face of such changes, not in the sense of being strong, but in the sense of having a very different outlook on the world from the adults around them.

Keep talking to your child(ren) and listen to what they are telling you about their worries and concerns. Keep an open mind, and be as honest as you can for their age and level of understanding.

I understand your fears about what your wife says to your child(ren), and it is extremely important that you are able to communicate civilly, carefully and thoughtfully about your child's needs while setting your own differences to one side.

A couple of weeks ago, my son was looking at the stars, and made a wish on one of them. He started grumbling that he kept making the same wish and it hadn't come true. He then asked me if I wanted to hear what this wish was, so I said he could tell me, if he wanted to. I was preparing myself to hear something along the lines of "I wish mummy and daddy were back together again". But what he said was, "I keep wishing I could get full marks for a maths test! I can 10/10 for spelling, but I've never got full marks for maths!".

You just don't know what goes on in a child's head - you have to keep listening, and answering any questions as they come, without reflecting any blame onto the other parent or onto the child.

It's a difficult road you're on, and I wish you all the best!

The one thing I am glad for is that, in my state (Florida) they make divorcing parents take a four-hour course on how divorce affects children.

It was actually very relevant, and I was impressed. As my ex-husband had to go, too, it really quelled a lot of my fears....

we do that here as well, but it did not make any difference with her, it did not phase her cold heart in the least, she learned nothing about children needing or wanting both parents in their lives or how it affects them, she proved that too me with her other children and the father of those children, but thats another story.


Lets please not talk about her, I just want to know what other things to expect and how to deal with them when the time comes, I do not want to be caught off guard when my son may need his needs or answers/questions/attitudes/fears met the most.
I want to know what I have to look forward too with things being and remaining as they are between parents, I no longer ever expect her to be reasonable or communicative for our child's sake, I feel she is the type of person that if she feels she has any issues she just assume dispute the matter in court for more custody then discuss about them

What age is your son now, aspergian mutant?

How is his time divided between you - does he stay with his mother most of the time, or with you?

he is just now turning 3,
as for custody I now have him 3 days out of the week and her 4,