I love my significant other, I know I do, but then..........

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Hey, I'm new to wrongplanet, and all signs point to Aspie in my case.

I need help with handling situations with my significant other (bf), and also wanted to know if some of these are completely normal for aspie's when they are interacting with a NT in general (because my bf is one). I care so much about him but we get to fighting and sometimes I can't take it, but I would never leave someone like him over that.

Here are some situations I have been in that we have problems with:
*He says I'm trying to start a fight, when I'm simply stating my opinion, or when I go to back up what I say, even when it's in a completely light tone (to me), he thinks I'm trying to turn it into something more. I just personally like to state something, hear what they have to say, and then back up why I said what I said (it's often a case of who's right or wrong). So he starts a fight because he yells at me for starting a fight (make any sense?, not to me, but it happens all the time)

*Things I do in a fight he doesn't get: I don't look at him. I sit a corner (of the sofa, or the bed, or slide over in my seat, where ever we are) and stare off to another corner, sometimes rocking back and forth a bit, if fighting gets worse. I listen and take in what he says to me when I get like this, but he claims I'm not. I tell him I am, and he doesn't believe me. Also, he says my voice gets kinda monotone when I get like that, and I think I realize this, but can't stop/ change any of it, and this mood or whatever it is lasts for a little while even after the fight is over.

*He calls me self-righteous. I don't think I am. He says this because he said he thinks I always think I'm right because I still give a justification for my wrong answer, and why I thought it. So I guess it boils down to that I don't "give in" enough when I say hes right, because I don't just end it there?? I know I'm not ALWAYs right, but it's really rare I'm not, because I'll go and research something to death to find the truth.

*When he asks me how I feel, it takes me a while to answer and he gets mad. And even then, he's not satisfied because I can never actually describe how I feel in words, or show it to him really. I understand emotion quite well I think, but can't express my own? :/

*Another thing I've noticed recently: He likes to show a lot of physical affection, even if its just a hug, and this is in privacy so I don't have to be concerned with others, and a lot of the time, it makes me uncomfortable. More like, I don't get it? When he does it I just can't wait for him to stop sometimes. I think to myself "YES, I love you, too. Now can you please give me some space!" And this is physical affection from anyone, not gender or relationship specific. He doesn't do it in excessive or clingy amounts from what I can tell by observing other couples/ asking them about it. But you see, I dont have problems cuddling or hugging when I go to them, it only seems to be the other way around.

I just feel helpless when trying to communicate with him. And this is my very wordy attempt to describe some of that bad communication. I'm sorry it's a little long. But please say if I even seem like a real aspie, what makes this so, and, how to communicate better with NT's!! !

Hi JMT, and welcome to Wrong Planet!

If your avatar is a picture of yourself, you're really good looking. And you sound as "real" to me as any diagnosed Aspie on this site. (I'm self-diagnosed myself.) Some thoughts:

*Does your bf know about Asperger Syndrome? Perhaps you should show him an article about it to help him understand.

*It sounds to me as if you like physical tenderness as long as you're in control of it. I suggest you take more initiative in cuddling - perhaps he simply gets impatient because you're too passive.

*Do you have interests in common? If so, he shouldn't object to a straight answer as long as you can back it up with evidence. If it concerns things that aren't of interest to him though, he might think you're blowing it all out of proportion. Just ask yourself: What is more important to you, getting along with your bf or being right all the time? If getting along is more important, then just let him score a few points in conversation now and then. If his factual errors get too irritating for you, try to gently nudge the conversation onto some other subject.

*"How do you feel?" is usually just a rhetorical question. Prepare a number of simple answers ("Great", "A bit tired", "Fine now that you are here", etc.) that you can use in these situations.

*Sometimes all it takes to set things right is to tell the other person how much you care for him. Perhaps it's a lack of overt displays of affection on your part, rather than your insistence on points of fact, that irritates him.

My advice would be to find a clinician in your area that can do an official diagnosis, and start couple's therapy right away. Explain your situation to the doctor, have him there, and then you can start working to mend the broken glass in your relationship.

If you aren't willing to push for a diagnosis, and seek out couple's counseling, I don't see this relationship/marriage going anywhere good. Without it, your partnership could turn toxic...