teaching generalization skills

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any ideas on where to begin when teaching generalization skills ?
the more i reflect on daughter with hubby, the more i realize that she doesn't seem to generalize information. for instance, years ago when she was 3, she put her face up to our elderly dog. the dog bit her quite hard- she didn't need stitches, but she was a mess. still, to this day, she will stick her face right into a dog's face- in a manner which, again, is intimidating to dogs. ...another example is leaning on her aspie brother. brother sometimes likes affection, sometimes not. he prefers that it occurs on his terms . he wants to be asked before you touch him. this is a well-known fact throughout our household. in fact, he has yelled at her before for touching him. and yet, today on the way home from SIL's, she leans right up on him.

I am not really sure what the problem is? I hate it if people touch me when i don't want to be touch.

I'm sure your kids love each other, but i bet they are argueing about something more often then not. Is it any suprise he doesn't want to be touch?

these are only 2 of many examples of instances when daughter won't generalize information from one instance to the next. i'm not saying that my aspie son has to be affectionate. i am saying that daughter needs to learn about personal space- boundaries- listening to others' wishes.. my son should not have to endure a hug from her if he does not want one. she is old enough that she should be able to understand this & comply. the issue is that she does not comply....

Honestly, it does sound more like a compliance issue rather than a generalization. My youngest does this to my oldest all the time as well. It's not a matter of him not knowing it irritates his brother. He's quite aware of it and does it anyway.. This seems like simple sibling bickery.

Are there things she's not generalizing? A good way to teach generalizing is just to change who presents skills. Or go into a controlled situation that is different, but requires the same skills. Rather than just telling her what to do, coach her in figuring out her own solutions. Ask questions about what she should do (not just say "What should you do, _____?").

I'll use a very general example, and hopefully you can adapt it for your needs. Present your child with a situation where she wants to give someone a hug, but needs to ask permission. Rather than just telling her to ask permission do the following:

"_____, do you want to hug Person X?"

"_____, does Person X want a hug from you?"

"Is it polite to just hug the person or should you ask first?"

Let her come up with her own answers. Don't help her with the answer at all, just ask the questions. Do this for a variety of situations. Eventually, she won't need you to ask the question, but will ask the questions of herself.

i think what i don't understand about the hugging is this: she will hug him without asking and then is genuinely upset when he doesn't want to be touched. she doesn't seem to be learning from one time to the next that she will get the same reaction from him. she is not looking to upset him- that's the 14 year old's job - when she is rejected by son, she starts on a crying tangent about how he doesn't love her. we've tried to explain & reassure her in that moment. we've tried to explain & reassure her in a different, calm moment. and then she'll turn around a day or 2 later & repeat the whole incident over again. she has been talked to repeatedly about personal space issues. about asking to hug him or about asking for him to hug her. for his own part, son tries to reassure her as well. he gets frustrated, though, having to always explain to her that he doesn't like to be touched by anyone.
if it was just hugging that this occured around ( not generalizing , that is), i would consider that the issue was her feeling insecure about her brother liking her........however, the same sort of issues happen with friends- this is why she can't seem to keep friends. she'll do something that irritates a friend. she'll be told to stop, i'll take her aside & i'll explain why what she's doing is inappropriate . her 2 typical responses are: 1. crying, whining, arguing about how she's right & we should all just go along with her wishes ....or 2. she stops momentarily, but then will continue to do whatever it is.

I really think it's all about how you phrase things. Like I said, don't just tell her and tell her why something isn't polite, but ask her a series of questions to let her come to her own conclusion. I struggle with this myself, but being an adult, I don't have a parent over me asking me the questions.

I'll try to explain a bit more in depth following this. (Just a word of warning because it will be long, guaranteed.)

I have issues with clinging to new friends. I tend to want to spend moments at their homes talking with them. Now, we are all aware as adults that there are sometimes when our friends cannot spend time with us.

Before I go to someone's house, I have to ask myself these questions.

Is this a good time of day for them?
Are their children home?
If yes, will that child be upset that mine aren't with me?
If yes, do I have enough time for mine to play with hers?
(These two obviously are dependent on if my kids are in school or at home.)
Is this someone I need to call before I head over, or can I just show up?

Once I'm there, I have the next set of questions to ask myself.

How long can I stay before I/we have to leave?
Is this someone I need to ask for a drink or can go grab from their fridge?
What is an appropriate conversation?
How much longer before I've worn out my welcome?
Should I invite them over to our house?
If we happen to eat a meal there, should I invite them over for a meal at our place? (This has happened spontaneously before, as odd as it seems to me.)
Do I discipline their children if they are doing something wrong?
Do I pay attention to the adult or the child?
Should I follow their child when they want to show me something, or would that be inappropriate? spoiling? rude?
How long have I been here?

These are generally things that as I understand it are easier for NTs to know the answer without asking the question. But for me, I need to ask these questions for each situation. Now generally, because of the way I process things, I ask these questions fast and can still hold a conversation while I'm deciding these things.

But this is not something I've learned easily over the years. There were some friends in college that if they weren't quirky like me, I would have lost very quickly. (tangent)I would stay at their apartment until 3 am. At times, I'd even come over at 4 am just to see if anyone was awake. (Though, they did have an open door policy with friends that anyone could come in if the door was unlocked. If the door was locked, then they were asleep.) But you can still see why this could be an obvious problem.

It was not until I started asking myself questions on what's appropriate that I feel I mastered "going to a friend's house." I know that it's inappropriate to go over to some friend's houses spontaneously, but okay with others. I don't understand why. But despite not understanding why, I know I need to ask myself if I should call. It is a standard, concrete rule. It's not a matter of being told what's right or wrong, but of coming to the conclusion myself what I should do.

When you have a standard set of concrete questions, then it's easier to come to what's appropriate. It's not a matter of remembering what you've been told, but being able to make the distinction yourself. I think that's what's so hard about generalizing "rules." You either under-generalize or over-generalize. Like, I think you said sometimes he doesn't mind being hugged, but a lot of the time he does. Well, you can't generalize a rule that's only good sometimes. If he accepts the hug once without problem, then your rule is thrown out the window (under-generalizing). If she over-generalizes it, then she will most likely never give him a hug even if she really needs it herself. So, it's much easier to ask what's appropriate for that moment.

Also, this will reduce the crying and whining. She came to the conclusion herself so you cannot be "wrong." She would be arguing with herself because you did not tell her what to do.

Does that make sense?

yes, thanks. this makes sense. i just need to figure out how to get her to start asking those questions to herself.......my hubby does this for numerous situations as well...