Just needed to get this off my mind...
05 Jan 2009, 2:44 pm
I've felt alot more bad than this, i've really been low. But i don't know what to do anymore, how much i try to explain, over and over. Neither my mother or my boyfriend won't understand, they just make it worse.
I don't know if it was 1 or 2 years ago i was really down, everyone started blaming me, i was lazy and and...my mother was to easy on me. That's what everyone else was thinking, my mother started blaming me aswell, calling me things and telling me she was gonna send me to a institute.
What exactly did i do? I didn't do anything, that was the problem. I was so tired of absolutely everything, i didn't find strenght in me to do anything. And i locked myself in my room. For short moments i played MMOs but they didn't comfort me anymore.
I'm over all that, that happened 1-2 years ago, but i'm afraid it will happen again. I'm afraid my mother haven't learned anything and will make the same mistakes again that just makes everything so much harder for me, she just keeps saying: "When are you going to overcome that?"
And i tell her "never", but as usual she doesn't take me serius, these things she keeps telling me that I HAVE TO overcome IS APART OF ME AND MY DIAGNOSE, what the f**k am i supposed to do about it?! AND WHO ARE SHE TO TELL ME TO OVERCOME MY HANDICAP WHEN SHE OBVIUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT!?
But she's my mother, im an idiot and i want her to understand but, all these little comments about things i should be able to do when i can't makes me so sad. i can't ever be the one she wants me to be. She always make me feel like it's my fault. I don't eat at the dinnertable anymore, and haven't done for quite awhile. I don't have any hobbys, i barely watch any tv-series. i lock myself in because i can't stand her presence, whenever im around her she doesn't miss a chance to pick on me, just making everything worse for me. She probably means well but..it's not helping.
i don't want it to become like before, because i actually go to school now, a school for people with AS, i'm the only student there that's a girl. I like it there, even if the math and the english is a bit to easy for me, i feel that i need to have it a bit easy for at least a little while, im so tired of the competition.
Even tho i will probably not make any friends, because i'm that fat girl in the corner. The teachers are nice, and when i'm there it feels like i can do something with my life.
But when i get home, and the first thing i hear is all my flaws, you can't really blame me for being down.
I want to take up my hobbies again but, im afraid it will be to much. im afraid i will let everyone down again. Because i know even if they say it's ok that they were hoping on me, and i let them down. They all try so hard, and it always feels like it's my fault. Whereever i go i make everyones lives harder, it doesn't matter how much i try, my handicap will always bring people more trouble than happiness.
I don't know what to do, the more i try to do what my mother wants, the unhappier i get, sometimes it's a struggle with myself just to do something like showering. Showering! Why, why can't i just go shower? I'm not a stupid person, i can understand perfectly well why you have to shower and why it's good to do so. But whenever my mother starts to pick on me, telling me i have to shower, it becomes harder and harder and then just impossible to do a simple little thing like showering. I know i can walk there, i know i can shower. But my mind won't let me, it blocks me from moving. I CAN go there, but my legs won't move. It sounds so strange even for me, but it's something about how my mother says it that makes it impossible to do what she asks for. Am i just doing it to make her crazy? I'm not, but that's probably how it feels for her, and that makes me more sad. She just doesn't understand me, she's never tried to either, she's never read a book about AS, maybe she's denying my diagnose, even tho i was diagnosed many many years ago as a child. I don't look handicapped so it's probably very hard to understand that i am, and not just sometimes. All the time.
Because of all this i keep eating to keep myself somewhat happy. She picks on me for that to and that makes me eat more...
I'm not sure on what i should do now. At least i got some of my anger washed away by typing it down.
05 Jan 2009, 3:32 pm
I don't know if it was 1 or 2 years ago i was really down, everyone started blaming me, i was lazy and and...my mother was to easy on me. That's what everyone else was thinking, my mother started blaming me aswell, calling me things and telling me she was gonna send me to a institute.
What exactly did i do? I didn't do anything, that was the problem. I was so tired of absolutely everything, i didn't find strenght in me to do anything. And i locked myself in my room. For short moments i played MMOs but they didn't comfort me anymore.
I'm over all that, that happened 1-2 years ago, but i'm afraid it will happen again. I'm afraid my mother haven't learned anything and will make the same mistakes again that just makes everything so much harder for me, she just keeps saying: "When are you going to overcome that?"
And i tell her "never", but as usual she doesn't take me serius, these things she keeps telling me that I HAVE TO overcome IS APART OF ME AND MY DIAGNOSE, what the f**k am i supposed to do about it?! AND WHO ARE SHE TO TELL ME TO OVERCOME MY HANDICAP WHEN SHE OBVIUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT!?
But she's my mother, im an idiot and i want her to understand but, all these little comments about things i should be able to do when i can't makes me so sad. i can't ever be the one she wants me to be. She always make me feel like it's my fault. I don't eat at the dinnertable anymore, and haven't done for quite awhile. I don't have any hobbys, i barely watch any tv-series. i lock myself in because i can't stand her presence, whenever im around her she doesn't miss a chance to pick on me, just making everything worse for me. She probably means well but..it's not helping.
i don't want it to become like before, because i actually go to school now, a school for people with AS, i'm the only student there that's a girl. I like it there, even if the math and the english is a bit to easy for me, i feel that i need to have it a bit easy for at least a little while, im so tired of the competition.
Even tho i will probably not make any friends, because i'm that fat girl in the corner. The teachers are nice, and when i'm there it feels like i can do something with my life.
But when i get home, and the first thing i hear is all my flaws, you can't really blame me for being down.
I want to take up my hobbies again but, im afraid it will be to much. im afraid i will let everyone down again. Because i know even if they say it's ok that they were hoping on me, and i let them down. They all try so hard, and it always feels like it's my fault. Whereever i go i make everyones lives harder, it doesn't matter how much i try, my handicap will always bring people more trouble than happiness.
I don't know what to do, the more i try to do what my mother wants, the unhappier i get, sometimes it's a struggle with myself just to do something like showering. Showering! Why, why can't i just go shower? I'm not a stupid person, i can understand perfectly well why you have to shower and why it's good to do so. But whenever my mother starts to pick on me, telling me i have to shower, it becomes harder and harder and then just impossible to do a simple little thing like showering. I know i can walk there, i know i can shower. But my mind won't let me, it blocks me from moving. I CAN go there, but my legs won't move. It sounds so strange even for me, but it's something about how my mother says it that makes it impossible to do what she asks for. Am i just doing it to make her crazy? I'm not, but that's probably how it feels for her, and that makes me more sad. She just doesn't understand me, she's never tried to either, she's never read a book about AS, maybe she's denying my diagnose, even tho i was diagnosed many many years ago as a child. I don't look handicapped so it's probably very hard to understand that i am, and not just sometimes. All the time.
Because of all this i keep eating to keep myself somewhat happy. She picks on me for that to and that makes me eat more...
I'm not sure on what i should do now. At least i got some of my anger washed away by typing it down.
not to be mean but the complete shutdown is not part of AS neither is your low self esteem. I think soon like myself about 6 years ago or so your going to come to a fork in the road. Your going to have to choose whether you want to keep on this self loathing kick or change who you are to meet your own criteria. Whether all you change is the self esteem you lack or you change major factors in your life (IE: you don't like your weight then lose it). I wish you the best when you come to that point I think you'll see alot of the stuff you claim here will dissappear but its going to take some work on your end.
05 Jan 2009, 4:05 pm
Yes Abangyarudo is right, your complete shut down in not due to AS. However it could be due to your low self esteem. Years and years of negativity can destroy you mentally and physically. I suffer from very low self esteem myself, and I would just like to say I understand how tough it is. I hope you feel better soon, and if you do maybe you should look for some help from a psych. It sounds like you have elements of depression and post traumatic stress.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you overcome this difficulty.
05 Jan 2009, 5:36 pm
I wish you all the best, and I hope you overcome this difficulty.
yea if you compared me now and compared me then its two different people. It took work to get here but I would have most likely destroyed myself emotionally if I continued along that same line.
05 Jan 2009, 8:12 pm
Yes ofcourse, work. Wooho, am i supposed to jump in joy? I can't or choose not to sit at the dinnertable, how on earth am i supposed to lose weight? Not only do i hate to go outside, there's absolutely nothing exercise way to do in my little town that i would be able to stick with. I feel like my stomach is twisting into a painful lump with just the thought of it.
I eat to feel better, telling me to stop is like telling someone to stop smoking.
That's the whole problem, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING, because it never matters if im right or wrong, i always lose. MY MOTHER OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER can't support me, because they don't understand me. I gave up looong loong ago, and i'm not even old enough to drive a car.
I CAN'T CHANGE, i've been like this almost my entire life. It's not that easy to just change, for you maybe it was, but i'm different. I was bullied my first 6 years of school, my dad got cancer when i entered 8th grade and he died 1 year later. I've barely been happy in my life. I don't have much to fight for, most things just fade away in comparison of all bad things i've gone through.
Ofcourse i should just change, why don't i invent a cure for cancer while im at it? WHY should i change? Life has yet to give me any reason. Why should i fight? life is unfair, and i hae really low odds. I don't HAVE that strenght anymore, i faught for 9 years. I've had enough. I'll just let the bad guys win, giving up is so much easyer.
It doesn't matter if i fight and get better, with my luck something bad will happen again. Why would i want to live in this stinking world, people behave like 5 year olds all their lives. Everyones beauty obsessed and greedy idiots.
I HAVE TO and I HAVE TO DO THIS AND THAT, here's a newsflash for you I DON'T HAVE TO f*****g DO ANYTHING. I'm out of gas, have no batteries, whatever. I'm dead like a car that ran out of fuel in the desert. There is no oasis or end to the desert for me.
I need fuel, you don't get fuel by trying to push your car out of the sahara desert. You get fuel at a gas station, right now im not looking for a way or someone telling me to get out of the desert, because i can't get anywhere without fuel.
I want help with finding a gas station in the middle of the desert, i already f*****g know how to drive out of the desert, but this car is broken, without fuel and slowly rusting away.
But there is no gas stations in the sahara desert. And i can't f*****g push a car out of the desert.
f**k, that made me mad >_<. IM SO TIRED OF THIS. That was just like my mother! It sure is easy to tell someone to do something huh? f**k <_<
HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO GET STRENGHT TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ANY HELP?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE WHEN IM ALREADY DOWN >_<
God, just ignore my post <_< i was typing out of anger and i didn't really think about what i said, it doesn't matter, my life is screwed. Might aswell enjoy the little i have left.
i won't look at this thread again, it just makes me angry.
05 Jan 2009, 8:14 pm
Yes ofcourse, work. Wooho, am i supposed to jump in joy? I can't or choose not to sit at the dinnertable, how on earth am i supposed to lose weight? Not only do i hate to go outside, there's absolutely nothing exercise way to do in my little town that i would be able to stick with. I feel like my stomach is twisting into a painful lump with just the thought of it.
I eat to feel better, telling me to stop is like telling someone to stop smoking.
That's the whole problem, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING, because it never matters if im right or wrong, i always lose. MY MOTHER OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER can't support me, because they don't understand me. I gave up looong loong ago, and i'm not even old enough to drive a car.
I CAN'T CHANGE, i've been like this almost my entire life. It's not that easy to just change, for you maybe it was, but i'm different. I was bullied my first 6 years of school, my dad got cancer when i entered 8th grade and he died 1 year later. I've barely been happy in my life. I don't have much to fight for, most things just fade away in comparison of all bad things i've gone through.
Ofcourse i should just change, why don't i invent a cure for cancer while im at it? WHY should i change? Life has yet to give me any reason. Why should i fight? life is unfair, and i hae really low odds. I don't HAVE that strenght anymore, i faught for 9 years. I've had enough. I'll just let the bad guys win, giving up is so much easyer.
It doesn't matter if i fight and get better, with my luck something bad will happen again. Why would i want to live in this stinking world, people behave like 5 year olds all their lives. Everyones beauty obsessed and greedy idiots.
I HAVE TO and I HAVE TO DO THIS AND THAT, here's a newsflash for you I DON'T HAVE TO f***ing DO ANYTHING. I'm out of gas, have no batteries, whatever. I'm dead like a car that ran out of fuel in the desert. There is no oasis or end to the desert for me.
I need fuel, you don't get fuel by trying to push your car out of the sahara desert. You get fuel at a gas station, right now im not looking for a way or someone telling me to get out of the desert, because i can't get anywhere without fuel.
I want help with finding a gas station in the middle of the desert, i already f***ing know how to drive out of the desert, but this car is broken, without fuel and slowly rusting away.
But there is no gas stations in the sahara desert. And i can't f***ing push a car out of the desert.
f**k, that made me mad >_<. IM SO TIRED OF THIS. That was just like my mother! It sure is easy to tell someone to do something huh? f**k <_<
HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO GET STRENGHT TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ANY HELP?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE WHEN IM ALREADY DOWN >_<
God, just ignore my post <_< i was typing out of anger and i didn't really think about what i said, it doesn't matter, my life is screwed. Might aswell enjoy the little i have left.
i won't look at this thread again, it just makes me angry.
Its something that you need to do alone so hopefully you end up gathering the strength to do so. Otherwise let me make it clear none of this is due to your Asperger's it is due to depression, depression can be conquered.
