How can I get a 'girly' Friend (No not a Girl Friend)

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Gliesen_Antrho
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11 Jan 2009, 8:51 am

I am into activites often considered sterotypically girly. e.g dance,RomCom, Musical Theatre. I want to meet someone with shared interests. Hetro guys don't have these interests(or won't admit it). Girls just don't seem intreseted in these things. (Or probably think I'm up to something.) Curiously straight guys often think I'm gay but girls never do?! I thought that an openly gay friend woud be good as they wouldn't be bothered about being seen as into dance or whatever. I only ever knew one openly gay person and I didn't make firends, I thought about trying to find some more ppl but I'm not gay and so can't join a gay society.

Sometimes I think about trying to get a girlfriend just to have a friend but I don't like being touched and physical intamacy.

I really just want to meet people with the same intresets as me of any gender/orientation so I can try to make a friend

Any Ideas?



Last edited by Gliesen_Antrho on 11 Jan 2009, 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Marcia
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11 Jan 2009, 9:43 am

Do you actually dance, or participate in musical theatre yourself, or is your interest restricted to being part of the audience?

My nephew got into dance and musical theatre when he was about 14. He joined (and set up) drama societies, took singing and dance lessons, participated in competitions and productions. He is now 18 and at drama school studying musical theatre. Most of his friends are people who share his interests and who he knows through all his various activities.



Gliesen_Antrho
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11 Jan 2009, 10:32 am

I would participate if given the chance. I prefer the acting/singing to the dancing, I enjoy it more as a component of the show (even though I am terrible at all three :) )
The MT society I joined didn't have enough members and collapsed before we even got to start a show :(

I joined the dance society attended every week for about 4 months but left becuase no one would talk to me during the break or even at the social. :(



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11 Jan 2009, 2:05 pm

Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
Sometimes I think about trying to get a girlfriend just to have a friend but I don't like being touched and physical intamacy.


I'm pretty sure that's what my last bf did to me. It's horrible to be deceived like that and I wouldn't advise doing it; not if you intend to keep the relationship going as friends afterwards.

Most single girls don't mind having male friends (if they're taken, there may be a jealousy issue from the bf). So long as you make it clear you just want to be friends and don't try to flirt with them (or at least, not seriously), you'll find someone.



Gliesen_Antrho
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11 Jan 2009, 3:16 pm

Quote:
deceived like that
I wouldn't lie. I just meant I think about putting up with the physial I don't like to get the companship I do like. I dunno.
Quote:
if they're taken, there may be a jealousy issue from the bf
perhaps that's the problem I hadn't thought of jealousy, and being young thin girls who get a lot of excersie from dancing are probably fit and therefore taken.
As far as I know I don't flirt with anybody. Getting friendships is hard enough :D Besides I've never really wanted to.
How do you make it clear is blunt and obvious enough :?: or do NTs read something else into that :?:



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11 Jan 2009, 7:05 pm

Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
Quote:
if they're taken, there may be a jealousy issue from the bf


perhaps that's the problem I hadn't thought of jealousy, and being young thin girls who get a lot of excersie from dancing are probably fit and therefore taken.
As far as I know I don't flirt with anybody. Getting friendships is hard enough :D Besides I've never really wanted to.
How do you make it clear is blunt and obvious enough :?: or do NTs read something else into that :?:


Well, from what I can tell, it is a fairly common strategy; some guys try to chat up girls by pretending to be their best friends because they secretly fancy them (hence the myth of the 'friends zone' to dissuade this sort of thing).

It can be very hard to tell who's genuine, so maybe if you had a plausible reason not to fancy them, it might work (saying that you're 'just not attracted to them' may be true, but might also hurt their feelings). Possible reasons for only wanting to be friends include:

1. you are in a long-distance relationship
2. you're just getting over a messy break-up
3. you're assexual (careful with this one)
4. you're gay but just not out of the closet (again...careful)

I'm sure there are plenty of others. To be honest, if you can trust the person, this might be a time when having aspergers comes in use; aspies are considered honest, so if you do say you just want to be friends, then she might be more inclined to believe you.



Gliesen_Antrho
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08 Mar 2009, 8:24 am

This dosen't seem to be working for me. I've tried with girls I know are single to avoid jealousy problems. I've tried inviting a couple of girls together since then it isn't one on one and seems less like a date. I tried going to a gay friendly bar when I found out that the uni LGBT grouo where there, that went well, but I don't know where else they will be going, I would fel a fraud joining cos of not being gay or bi. I thought about going in a dress, but of course I don't have the confidence to go and buy one or a girl or gay friend to go with me and help get one :(
All I ever get is a facebook and the occasional hello in the hall way :( At one point I got offered a set up with a girl :roll: I said that wasn't exatly what I wanted. I hoped she would ask or listen to what I did want but was gone before I got a chance to explain. I feel at my wits end. I'm running out of ideas :idea:



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08 Mar 2009, 10:02 am

Unless you actually like wearing women's clothing I wouldn't recommend wearing a dress, fakeing something is not a good long term strategy to get accepted by a group.

If your set on it the idea then as a word of encouragement I can say when I wore drag (school fancy dress party) the crowed loved it mostly.



warface
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08 Mar 2009, 3:53 pm

90% of platonic friendships with females are a complete waste of time, unless you enjoy being patronised.


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Gliesen_Antrho
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08 Mar 2009, 4:54 pm

Well it doesn't have to be a female :)

I must have had that one 10% in the past



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09 Mar 2009, 5:58 pm

warface wrote:
90% of platonic friendships with females are a complete waste of time, unless you enjoy being patronised.


I'm best friends with a woman, good friends with at least six others and friends with many more none of these where a waist of time, none patronise me.



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09 Mar 2009, 6:39 pm

warface wrote:
90% of platonic friendships with females are a complete waste of time, unless you enjoy being patronised.

Bullshit. It is you with the problem. You can't get over that fact they don't fancy you. Consider this: do you stop to think about the people you don't fancy much? Are you patronising them?

To the op I would answer your question however my female friend is feminine in some respects, but not overly and in a way quite tomboyish in her tastes. She finds the whole 'girly' scene quite boring and innate especuially the small talk.

Ther are creative people who are femine but have more substance. I think that is what you are after correct?



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09 Mar 2009, 6:59 pm

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Gliesen_Antrho
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10 Mar 2009, 5:19 am

Quote:
Ther are creative people who are femine but have more substance. I think that is what you are after correct?


Not sire what you mean by substance. A female friend with some girly qualites would be fine I'd imagine.

TheKingsRaven thanks at least I know it can be done. The previous poster had me worried.

Would any of your female friends, evn occasionaly go shoping with you, get a facial scrub, go to watch a chick-flick,to a massage parlour, split a pitcher of cocktails? If you wanted them to help you choose your drag, would they of?

That is all I want. It wouldn't matter if they were tomboy in other ways, they might understand. Why is it that girls are happy to be either girly or guyey but guys won't admit if they enjoyed some thing girly.

Why is it everytime I try to chat to girls about things I like I'm being silly or hitting on them?
They wouldn't like it if I laughed at them if they said they're into football.

What the hell kind of chat up line starts with "I like your purse, can i borrow it just to see if it goes? " Why did the girl pull away the only drag queen I ever meet at a club, whom I thought might have some advice? Not like I was talking to her. Or hitting on anybody.

I just want to maake friends with common interest, I can't help what my intrests are. Why should I put up with sports crap and pretend to be something I'm not? I tried to make friends with my neighbour that's all I get back talk to the guys. About what? Their conversations are boring. She hangs with guys sometime, I wouldn't tell her she should stick to the girls.

To each, their own, I say



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10 Mar 2009, 6:39 pm

Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
TheKingsRaven thanks at least I know it can be done. The previous poster had me worried.

I've noticed quite a few people here rather negative views on women, don't listen to them.

Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
Would any of your female friends, evn occasionaly go shoping with you, get a facial scrub, go to watch a chick-flick,to a massage parlour, split a pitcher of cocktails?


Short answer: yes I've done a few (just checking: Pride and Prejudice is a chick-flick?).

Long answer: While I've made friends with some very girly people most of my good friends (a good friend is someone I invite, or am invitied by outside of school / uni) are geeks, unsurprising since I'm shamelessly geeky. Also mostly they're as good at making male friends as I am at making female friends.

That said we've done quite a few of those things with a geeky slant to it:
Pride and Prejudice (probobly the only chick flick I watched) won me over with the archaic language and humour: Elisabeth's ultra-polite way of insulting Darcy to Jane in the ballroom, and Mr Bennet is just fantastic. "Oh, people", the romance was just on the side although my friend is a romance fan but she would probably agree with the above.
Shopping: didn't last long and we got fantasy books.
Share cocktails, we've gone out for drinks before and had a picnic once.


Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
If you wanted them to help you choose your drag, would they of?
My friends, definitely :lol: one was a bit freaked as a first reaction but quite a few knew in advance (I'm awful at keeping secrets) and they loved it.

Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
Why is it everytime I try to chat to girls about things I like I'm being silly or hitting on them?


I don't know enough context to say for sure but if you start a conversation with something like this
Gliesen_Antrho wrote:
"I like your purse, can i borrow it just to see if it goes? "

I have to admit I'm not that surprised. A man asking that is so unusual that its probably creepy or a pick-up line simply because "what else could it be"? I don't know much about fashion but I suspect that its unusual for women to ask something like that without being at least aquainted first.

Anyway tips:

I think first and formost its really really important that you don't think of anyone as "girly" you should think of them as a person. Once you start thinking of everyone as an individual there will probably be enough subconscious changes to your behaviour to make a big difference. Whenever I try to translate my knack for making friends into words treat everyone as an individual generally comes out as key although I suspect stuff was lost in translation, it always is when you go from instincts to language.
On a similar note, if you start the conversation with an agenda, even a pretty clean one like making a friend its probably putting you at a disadvantage, a good conversation will be natural.
Note, talking about making a girly friend in this thread wasn't wrong, your talking about people rather than a person, but the moment you see an individual you need to instantly think "another human individual" rather than "a girly person I want to befriend".
P.S. I know that suggesting this implies your not doing it, if you are sorry about that.

Secondly: go with the flow of the conversation, and the hardest part of that is knowing where its safe to join in, I've been thinking on this for a while and a good tip for someone you don't know yet is to focus on the subject they're talking about. If they're discussing the latest chick-flick joining the conversation by commenting on the lead's performance is probably better than "hey we have the same taste in films".
If you know they share a few of your interests but they're talking about something your not interested in, definitely don't try to force the conversation back to mutal interests. They probably wont mind if you politely step back though, no one worth knowing expects you to act a part for friendship.

Also I asked one of my (NT) female friends, here's her advice.

MyFriend wrote:
but you can tell him just to be himself, girls don't get it when guys like to show off in front of other boys, friendly, someone to confide in, someone to give a hug to ;-), and just be abke to talk about anything really, honesty is the key fact if you see what i mean

and to be someone who the girl can pick up the phone to call or send a message to when she needs anything, girly friendships are different, you're there for each other no matter what, different than boy friendships, you can talk about anything or everything at any time

The hug part is probably extra relivent, first time we met it we were leaving school and she casually said goodbye, I gave her a hug. (well I remember different, but she's probably right). That said I don't recommend casual hugs unless you know you can do it without seeming creepy, I can but not everyone can and even then some people just don't like hugs.