Gah
14 Dec 2005, 9:34 am
The Day After My Birthday
I’m sorry moderators if there are adult themes in this post, but please don’t move it if at all possible. I doubt anyone will read it all any way.
Well I am upset yet again. I went to go to the radio station in an okay mood, I was planning on playing all cover songs. After the show started, our friend showed up, lets call her Sally, and she was upset. We asked her (I do the show with a friend) and she wouldn’t really tell. She went out to the computer for a few minutes trying to send an email for a job application to no avail, as it was stuffing up and came back all annoyed. I was generally concerned for what was worrying her. She pretty much is in a lousy situation where she feels alone, desperate and has an idea that having a child would be a good thing. She was complaining that she would never get enough money to have kids through an insemination service etc and she should go whore herself on the street in a self deprecating manner. Later on, when my co-host left the room, she brought up the Cronulla race riots and I had said that the previous DJ had said something which I had thought was really terrible. He had said: “They’ve (the Lebanese) have been fighting and killing each other for thousands of years” to which I had replied “So have Caucasians.” Now after telling Sally that, remind you she had brought the topic up so as had the previous DJ, Sally said: “Well they should wear our clothes and not tell us that our way of life is wrong.” I said that I felt she was exaggerating a minority to encapsulate the entire muslim community. Essentially the conversation got to a point where she explained that the reason she felt like this was because she was sick of them forcing their religions on her, in particular the wearing of the clothing in public. I had said, wanting to know why she felt that way, ‘When did they do that?” to which she replied “There’s always Jo-ho’s knocking on my door.” Jo-hos I later learnt are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I believe she had brought this up because my co-host, Adam, had brought up that topic earlier in front of her. I then said, quite logically and probably un-emotionally: “So because Jehovah’s witnesses knocked on your door, the muslim people who wish it, shouldn’t be allowed to wear their garments in public?” That was the end of the conversation as I had to queue up some records and she went back out onto the computer.
Later on she brought the pregnancy issue backup and Adam said he’d be the father and she said ‘No, they’d be ret*d.’ He then pointed to me. Just to clarify, there has been an ongoing joke for Adam about me and Sally should get together. I see it as because Adam has nothing better to do and because Sally is sad and alone and I’m probably the only alternative. Sally is a friend and I don’t see her in that way. Anyhow, he suggested I be the father and she said, ‘No they’d be even more ret*d.’ At first this didn’t bother me, but the more this conversation continued, the worse I felt. I said, ‘My children would be little geniuses.’ And she said ‘They’d have warped hair.’ It was stupid pointless stuff. I was starting to get the feeling that because she had felt so down in the dumps when she arrived, that once she started saying this stuff, she started to feel better, regardless on how bad it was making other people feel. This started to make me feel bad, for reasons I will soon clarify, and after the full blast finished, I went quiet thinking and she said, “He’s having a MJS-82 moment. Has to be the centre of attention.” Which made me feel awful for feeling bad. It hurt me. So I left the room and she said more things like that. I went out to the computer to not think about it and Sally and Adam were in the studio talking about what was happened and she was yelling out “MJS-82 thinks I’m a b***h.” And I said “No I don’t.” That happened a few times. When I finally went back into the studio she said something else and I said “I know you feel bad, but you don’t have to make me feel bad to make yourself feel better.” Even Adam could tell I was upset. But she said, they he goes again. Finally, I went back out and she said “Bye MJS-82” and I said “Bye Sally.” And she was gone. She had made me feel sad over the children comment, then made me feel worse for feeling sad, like it was her night to feel bad or something and I was stealing her spotlight. Look, I have nothing against Sally, like I said she was my friend. I wasn’t trying to force anything upon her in any way when we were talking about the riots. That stuff she said, was more misguided and angry because she was upset and probably didn’t want to hear it, which I was probably meant to realise but didn’t.
I don’t know why but I feel absolutely awful. On the drive home, Adam said “She’s probably watching TV, yet you’ll spend the next five hours thinking about it.” I said to him “There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t worry about what my children might turn out like. Like, they might be like me.” I hope this doesn’t offend anyone on her, but I actually said, “I just want them to be normal.” Which I know is a bad thing, it was just sadness that I said it. I also said to him “I don’t think I’ll ever actually get a chance to have kids. You know what happened.” He said “I know.” That was about it.
To explain that conversation, I must recap a series of tragic events from my earlier years. In annotated form, which I might expanded upon one day:
I was in love with my best friend whom I was in a band with her ex-boyfriend. She was a closeted lesbian in love with another friend of mine in her music class. The ex-boyfriend and a series of other people used me. I was repeatedly lied to, kicked in the guts and thrown on the ground. She was suicidal, repeatedly hospitalised in a psychiatric institute in high school and later diagnosed with bi-polar. This might sound awful, but she got help going through this. I didn’t. I had to give the eulogies at both my grandfather’s funeral when they within months of each other. I had no one to spill my guts to and cry to so all these events have permantly destroyed me and killed me quite a bit such that each day I die a little bit more. I am directionless and listless. I might be able to distract myself, drawing battlemaps of Arizona is an example, but its fleeting. Any how, sorry for that side track and rough summarization. I did not do it justice. Imagine hell and you might understand what it was like.
The second year of university I found out the girl, let’s call her Molly, had developed a uterine cancer which had the possibility of destroying her ability of ever conceiving a child. During the “I hate you” speeches of the end of high school and the unsubstantiated rumour that I was dying of testicular cancer, something was said that was important to me, probably unimportant to Molly. One of those throwaway lines. It was “If you want, I could be the father of your child.” In say ten, fifteen years, not thinking it meant anything. This was after a massive series of shock revelations.
All this stuff came flooding back once again. The reason when I brought this up to Adam on the car on the way home is at the time I had found out about her cancer, me and him had gotten into a petty argument, I can’t even remember over what, I think he had said that I was arrogant most of the time and I said “I hate you.” That is his pet peeve. I should never have said it, but I was just feeling awful from what I had found out. It was a “I Hate You” to the world in general. After grovelling etc, he forgave me but has pretty much never let me forget it, or is it me that’s not letting me forget.
Another person feels bad. Makes me feel bad. I remember old bad stuff. I feel worse. She makes me feel worse for feeling worse. I write this post. Any how, I suppose this awful tale is done now. And I see other people posting the question, “What the hell is wrong with me?”. Maybe I should ask, “Is there anything right with me?”
But you have my thoughts.
14 Dec 2005, 11:04 am
loads. you're intelligent, extremely witty and funny, nice looking (if that was you in your b'day pics - i assume it was), talented...
i could go on, but i also know it's a bit pointless to - if you feel like that, anything i say doesn't count (been there, done that).
but just to let you know there's at least someone out here who rates you.
Vivi
14 Dec 2005, 11:58 am
loads. you're intelligent, extremely witty and funny, nice looking (if that was you in your b'day pics - i assume it was), talented...
i could go on, but i also know it's a bit pointless to - if you feel like that, anything i say doesn't count (been there, done that).
but just to let you know there's at least someone out here who rates you.
Vivi
I'm past being upset over this now, I'm in a, for want of a better term, pissed off mood and am writing rock songs at 3:54 am in the morning to express my annoyance.
Sorry, but I suppose I am one of those lame "Question Everything When You're Sad" people. It's amazingly tragic though how badly I would like to have children, so as to explain to them how not to be like me.
BTW That's not me in those birthday pictures, so you'll have to keep guessing. As if I'd ever do anything that normal.
14 Dec 2005, 4:06 pm
I did. Wow. I can't believe I did that.
Wow. If she really believes that a child will make her happier, well, she is wrong. In the right place, at the right time, a child can bring joy (not that I'd know - honest!) but it won't help where she is right now.
To even consider whoring herself to have a child is a sign of extremely low self-esteem. Still, she has not hit rock bottom yet. A few women actually do go out and try to have children this way.
I doubt she is actually that far along, of course.
How were you able to infer the reference to Jo-ho's if you did not find out what it meant until later?
There are a lot of possible reasons for this. My uneducated guess: she likes you but is resentful that you don't return her feelings, and said that to compensate.
Not that she should have said those sorts of things to you in the first place.
You did nothing wrong. You were hardly taking anyone's spotlight.
Why she was trying to make you feel bad or guilty, I don't know.
My uneducated guess: She probably knows this.
The second year of university I found out the girl, let’s call her Molly, had developed a uterine cancer which had the possibility of destroying her ability of ever conceiving a child. During the “I hate you” speeches of the end of high school and the unsubstantiated rumour that I was dying of testicular cancer, something was said that was important to me, probably unimportant to Molly. One of those throwaway lines. It was “If you want, I could be the father of your child.” In say ten, fifteen years, not thinking it meant anything. This was after a massive series of shock revelations.
Whoa. Wow.
IMHO, if he is doing that then he shouldn't be.
Try not to feel bad about that kind of stuff ... it is hardly your fault.
Plently.
19 Dec 2005, 4:03 am
I am sick of constantly apologisng to people. We talked about this in the chatroom yesterday as someone else needed help. Probably a bad idea listening to me. I just did it again on a thread here.
I had this dream last night where I was trying to help a former friend and I kept feeling guilty because I was worried I was helping them for my own selfish reasons. Then in the end, the person I was helping got angry at me and said they never wanted to see me again because they didn't want my help.
It may be a dream but: damned if I do, damned if I don't
19 Dec 2005, 2:59 pm
I had this dream last night where I was trying to help a former friend and I kept feeling guilty because I was worried I was helping them for my own selfish reasons. Then in the end, the person I was helping got angry at me and said they never wanted to see me again because they didn't want my help.
Look, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. It's not like you are giving out bad advice on purpose. It may not even be bad - that could just be your perception on it.
If you think positively, your advice will always be positive as well.
Only in your dreams.
04 Jan 2006, 1:39 am
mjs82-
I love your offbeat random humor, don't let this sort of thing get you down for too long. It easily could have been a story from my past. I know it's a pisser and it may take a little while, realistically, but you'll get over it for the most part.
I have some things from my past I still think about and get upset over regularly, some things can be so traumatizing it's possible to heal over it, but a core wound still remains. With good fortune this isn't one of those times for you, but even if you think it is, be aware that it too will pass.
Embrace your pain, and understand it. Wallow in it, revel in it, understand it, and it will bring you peace of a form.
08 Jan 2006, 11:13 pm
I rang her the other day. Although I've briefly glimpsed her once or twice, it's probably been five years since I've said anything to her more than a minute long.
I offered to go for a walk. She really wanted to but she had to see her mother. I said another day. I will ring her back tonight and see what happens.
