An Aspie choosing neurotypical friends over his real friends

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Miyah
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14 Jan 2009, 10:37 pm

Recently, I have had a falling out with a guy on the spectrum. In his case, he had gotten a good job 2 years back and he has been changing. For one thing, he has been going around with a bad attitude and stomps around like a 15-year-old if things aren't his way. I.E, he stomped off after a movie and took off with out telling us what was going on. The next day, I confronte him on his behavior and told him that if he did not feel good in the future, just let me know. However, he took that as a major offense and made crude remaks like that he had mental issues. He also called me a b***h.

Then a few weeks ago, I invited him to go see a movie. He said yes and acted like there was no problem. However, I asked him if he wanted to pick some other of my friends up at a friend's house, he did not call. So, I had to get an answer out of him, which was a ,'no,' and couldn't tell me over the phone what it was. So, I sent him an e-mail and told him I felt like he was not treating us very well. I also got onto him about his lack of communication and that he is supposed to be a friend. Unfortunately, he told me that he wasn't interested in hanging out anymore because he his new neuro typical girlfriend is more important and that he has new friends. He also said he feels like they are better for him at this point. However, he didn't tell me that I did anything wrong or that he hates me. Unfortunately, he said that he wants to go different directions and not have me call and invite him out anymore. As a friend though, he wants to e-mail me but I told him that it is a brain dead relationship, what do you think?



Alisscious
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14 Jan 2009, 11:14 pm

I would have to say, that the first responses in my mind were. Stand back for a while because:

Overwhelms are difficult to break out of, due to the fact that there is usually a very emotional reason for me to being overwhelmed, it simply takes time to realize and take care of it.

I feel his overwhelm is related to a feeling inside, that is in conflict with his decision's to only have one type of friends, over dumping and burning bridges with his old friends.

I believe that that part in conflict is fighting the decision to drop all older friends for girlfriends' friends by, trying to keep in contact with you.

Give him a couple months. Go about your life. He will need his old friends again. And if you all normally receive good feelings, by having him around, then, be his friend in this way and let him be here as much as he can for now.



aninimous
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15 Jan 2009, 1:43 am

He may be at a stage of his life where he wants to "forget" he has a disorder and wants to be pretend he's normal. Some people accomplish this by refusing to associate with people they connect with their "illness" or "challenge."

The way he is acting is definitely not acceptable, however, if you feel the relationship is worth salvaging, you can e-mail him a good luck message and say if he ever needs you, he knows where to find you. Otherwise, I'd fire back another e-mail saying that you're sorry he feels they way he does and that you consider the friendship over. Again, it's your call.



Miyah
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15 Jan 2009, 7:55 am

I already sent those to him. I also said that I was sorry he feels that way. In addition, I told him that I don't want to have anything more to do with him for his attitude. As for his girlfriend and friend, he makes it sound like they are better for him at this point. However, how do you think he'll take it when he gets dumped by both she and those so-called friends?



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15 Jan 2009, 5:49 pm

Yeah, when he is dumped, is what I was writing for also. Since he is so royally flipping out, it shows that maybe he won't be able to navigate properly and that maybe, they won't be able to also.

That is why I felt that if he normally is a good friend to you and your friends, that maybe you could leave a line open, in case the pain comes to him.

Good luck in this and have a beautiful day :)



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16 Jan 2009, 7:40 am

He said that he doesn't want to hang out with you because he has 'new friends' but he still wants to keep in contact via email. To be honest, he doesn't sound like he knows what he wants (or more appropriately, where he fits) and he's trying to figure it out by being with new people. Either that or he's trying to be his perception of 'normal' but feels bad for leaving you out (hence he still wants to keep in email contact).

Basically, I agree with the comment above.


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Miyah
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17 Jan 2009, 7:43 am

Well, I blocked his e-mails because I feel like I don't want to hear anymore of his whining. Also, I don't feel like sending him any e-mails due to his negative behavior. However, another friend of mine is wondering why he is changing his tune all of a sudden. On top of that, he just started dating this women and she is older than he is, and is moving in with her.

What does anyone make of that?



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17 Jan 2009, 8:58 am

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However, how do you think he'll take it when he gets dumped by both she and those so-called friends?


Ok, I agree that he was acting childish and jerky but ...

and what makes you so sure that he'll get dumped by both? and what it makes you so sure that they are fake friend? They may stay together for life, maybe his 'so-called' friends might become closer friends than your friends to him.

If he found happiness in his new NT lifestyle then let him go.

It seems that your friends were never his friends and he didn't like them that much, how was the relation between your friends and him?

I would judge only if I read the 2 sides of the story.



Miyah
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17 Jan 2009, 8:03 pm

Well, he and I were close and he was so accepting. Infact, he always complained about other people at his old church constantly rejected him. He also complained that he didn't have any friends, which isn't true. Infact, he already had three friends that he had grown up with and went to highschool with. In terms of me, he was always someone who could make me laugh and enjoy his company. However, he also one of those guys who acts like a teenager when it comes to getting his own way. For example, went and saw the movie 'Twilight,' and he stomped out of the movie after it was over and left abruptly. Now in terms of his new life, I have no doubt that he is hiding his problems from his girlfriend and friends which is working well, at the moment. Unfortunately, once he moves in with her, imagine what with happed next. See, I can't hide my AS from anyone because my quirks give me away.



LePetitPrince
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17 Jan 2009, 8:58 pm

^ and are you sure he's really AS? AS diagnosis is just a theory you know , since there's no real medical tool that detects it. He might be just socially inept/ unsocial or had some personality disorder and now he's outgrowing it .

Whatever the condition he had, he obviously wants to forget about it and about every person that reminds of of this condition

You know what? if he succeeds to be really cured then he would find happiness. I am all with his struggle to the cure.



Miyah
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17 Jan 2009, 11:06 pm

Yes, he is AS and was diagnosed with it. Infact, you can tell he has it because of his lack of communication and his immature attitude.



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17 Jan 2009, 11:29 pm

Miyah wrote:
Yes, he is AS and was diagnosed with it. Infact, you can tell he has it because of his lack of communication and his immature attitude.


Well, I wouldn't take that as a 100% guarantee, though. Heck, two of the most stubborn/demanding/erratic/immature individuals I know both have ADHD, not AS.

Most of the AS people I know are pretty laid-back and low maintenance. Sure, some might be a little more opinionated, or might have a couple of small hang-ups; but at least they show concern when they think they've offended someone. This is different from someone who's willfully socìally inept, who knows that they've upset people but just doesn't care that much.



Miyah
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17 Jan 2009, 11:30 pm

He's narcicisstic.



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18 Jan 2009, 4:09 am

It sounds like you are jealous of him. Why is it bad that he refused to pick up your friends? He's not their chauffeur. Why do you seem to disapprove of this fellow hanging out with NT's?


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Miyah
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18 Jan 2009, 9:29 am

Yes, it's true I am jealous that he has a girlfriend and I don't have a boyfriend. However, I do approve of him hanging around with NT's. However, one minute he's our friend and likes everyone, and the next is he's suddenly better than us and that he doesn't like them. As far as the ride thing goes, he used to give us rides all the time and have fun with us. On the negative side, he would always make committments to join us places and do things with us and then turn around and stand us up with some excuse at the last minute. In the last incident, he agreed to go see the movie 'Desapraux,' with us. However, another friend wanted to go see it and was planning to meet me in another friend's neighborhood at a coffee shop along with someone else. So, I asked him to see if he could meet us at the coffee shop on his voice mail. Unfortunately, he never called me back. So, I had to call him and get the answer out of him by calling. Sadly, he turned me down and said that he couldn't tell me on the phone as to why he couldn't go which gave me a note that it was an excuse. Later, I had found out though that he didn't like one of my friends and didn't want to have anything to do with him.



Tias
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18 Jan 2009, 12:49 pm

I think it's good that you dot want anything to do with him.
As far as I understand, you have always been a good friend, and then he pulls of a stunt like that. And if you take him back after this he migth make the same number.

Move on and don't talk to him anymore, since you and your friends are not "good enough" as it seems