A question about siblings??

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Ours son is doing great since his dx in school, therapy and mostly at home but we are having one problem with him that we don't really know how to handle. He is terrible to his little sister who totally adores him. She can't be in the same room with him just breathing that he isn't yelling at her to get out. I know most siblings fight but this goes way beyond that. She CAN be a pesky little sister at times but mostly she isn't doing anything for him to go off on her. Anyone out there dealt with this same problem??

Wow, I was wondering the same thing. My oldest stepson who has Asperger's is sometimes so cruel to my other stepson and our younger kids. The other day my younger stepson came downstairs on the verge of tears and said that his brother had just out of no where yelled at him with horrible profanities because my younger stepson asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with him. We have my Dx stepson who is 14, my younger stepson who is 10 and two much younger children and I am often very concerned with how our Dx stepson's behavior is effecting the other children. I am often on pins and needles at home because I have to constantly be supervising and watching for inappropriate behavior from my Dx stepson. We have just made an appointment with a psychologist who deals with Asperger's and I am hoping we can address this issue, among others. I wonder if anyone on here grew up with someone with Asperger's who did things like this and could tell us what it was like from their perspective. Thanks for your post.

It's funny, because we have the same kind of problem here. It's not ALL of the time, but when my son is agitated - it's bad. His older sister knows exactly which buttons to push - as does he for her - and they can really go at it. My son can be more than cruel at times, and lately he's really started to get to the point where he can scare his older sister, so we've had to intervene.

All of that said, we have a 9 month old as well (my son is 9, his older sister is 12), and my son ADORES her. He is every bit the doting older brother, and is nothing but sweet, nice, kind and patient with her. I wonder how that will change as they both get older - but for now, I really think having the baby has been one of the best things we could have done for my son. Not that I'm suggesting that everyone go out and have another one!!

We have EXACTLY the same problem. It's mostly my son's sensory issues that are behind it, and we're trying to teach her to respect that. He likes his things just so, he has a large need for alone time, he can't deal with noise, and so on. When they do choose to play together it can be wonderful, but other times .... ugh.

For us, it's a constant dialog with both of them, separately. They need to respect who the other is while also being who they are, and the two are inherently in conflict, which means that compromise at certain times is required, and is always going to be hard for both of them. But it's a great learning exercise, just one I wish didn't have to occur 24/7.

And we added a lock to the door of my son's room. That helps.

Funny you should mention the movies, because that is a constant source of conflict with my kids. The thing is, my son doesn't like to have movies on except for the occasional scheduled family movie night. The rest of the time, he finds the EXISTENCE of movies annoying.

I'm trying to teach my daughter to just leave him alone; that is what he wants and needs. He's not going to be offended that he wasn't invited; instead, he'll be upset at the intrusion it took to invite him. It's the flip of how us NT's think of things, but it is important to understand it. My son seems to honestly feel his inappropriate actions have been prompted, and has told us he feels that he is the one always getting blamed when his sister should know that he cannot handle her intrusions, so the instruction definitely has to go both ways, with the NT siblings learning to respect the AS quirks and needs.

At the same time, of course, I constantly remind my son that extreme reactions are not appropriate to a simple intrusion. He insists that his sister doesn't listen unless he yells, and I know he has a point there, but it is still not appropriate for him to act that way; what we ask him to do is to FETCH AN ADULT. I see no reason he can't learn to do this instead, so we're working on it.

And then we do have to calmly sort it out. The techniques they use in peer conflict resolution training work well, asking each child to calmly state his or her side of the story, and not allowing interruptions. Then each can be asked what they could have done differently. And so on. I've found both my kids KNOW at this point how to prevent all this stuff, they're just having trouble remembering it in the heat of the moment. That's step 2.

Funny you should mention the movies, because that is a constant source of conflict with my kids. The thing is, my son doesn't like to have movies on except for the occasional scheduled family movie night. The rest of the time, he finds the EXISTENCE of movies annoying.

I'm trying to teach my daughter to just leave him alone; that is what he wants and needs. He's not going to be offended that he wasn't invited; instead, he'll be upset at the intrusion it took to invite him. It's the flip of how us NT's think of things, but it is important to understand it. My son seems to honestly feel his inappropriate actions have been prompted, and has told us he feels that he is the one always getting blamed when his sister should know that he cannot handle her intrusions, so the instruction definitely has to go both ways, with the NT siblings learning to respect the AS quirks and needs.

At the same time, of course, I constantly remind my son that extreme reactions are not appropriate to a simple intrusion. He insists that his sister doesn't listen unless he yells, and I know he has a point there, but it is still not appropriate for him to act that way; what we ask him to do is to FETCH AN ADULT. I see no reason he can't learn to do this instead, so we're working on it.

And then we do have to calmly sort it out. The techniques they use in peer conflict resolution training work well, asking each child to calmly state his or her side of the story, and not allowing interruptions. Then each can be asked what they could have done differently. And so on. I've found both my kids KNOW at this point how to prevent all this stuff, they're just having trouble remembering it in the heat of the moment. That's step 2.[/quote]

I know, the other kids are not always totally innocent and I do try to be fair about things. (On another note, probably for a different posting, unless I write forever here!, I sometimes end up defending my stepson with AS because the younger kids can take advantage of him because he doesn't know how to express things all the time.) It can be really hard though. I find that my AS stepson and my 4 year old daughter play together very well at times and at other times I just don't know how to deal with them playing together exactly. It's confusing because I sometimes find my 4 year old being more rational and mature than he is at 14 years. At times, I feel like I am dealing with two preschoolers when they are together. And just writing that, made me realize that maybe that is how I should perceive it which would help me not be as upset by the 14 year old not behaving with the maturity of a 14 year old.

Another point of concern is how he is effecting the other kids with things like the noises he makes constantly. I know not all people with AS do this, or to this degree or at this age but his noise making is non-stop.... blood curdling screams and other indescribable extremely loud noises, along with the echoing. We have to explain to him and tell him over and over and over that he has to stop. I literally think someone is being hurt all the time because we have young kids and I am hyper sensitive to noises that sound like screaming in pain. I am hoping that all of this will just make the other kids more understanding and more accepting adults. Thank you for your post. I truly appreciate it.

My son makes a lot of odd noises when he is pacing, and some AS do noises as a kind of stim (self-stimulating / self-calming behavior). It could also be tourettes, although I would assume that would have been looked into by some professional involved with him by now. What I've tried to do with some of these things is to channel or limit them, but NOT eliminate them. A lot of these behaviors are so important to who some of these kids are that you do more harm than good, long run, but taking them away. These kids need some place they can be free to be themselves, and that should be home. That said, everyone in the home has needs, and those often run counter, so balance is required. Perhaps you can set "noise" intervals or places with him, or ask him to let you know beforehand if he needs to let out noise. A girl in my daughter's class who has a full time aid (I have not been told her diagnosis, but HFA or low AS wouldn't surprise me) came back from a field trip and was playing on the playground. At one point she went around to the kids near her and told them to cover their ears because she needed to scream. They did so, and then she did her scream, and then everyone returned to their business. I think what surprised me was that her scream wasn't very loud or long, not that she felt the need to do it or that she had learned to give warning; both are tools of balance. Once a child knows he WILL have the freedom, but just needs to meet a few rules of respect, it seems to be easier to learn a little self-control. I would recommend trying that, although it will work best if you can get his mother and other caregivers to adopt the same program.