There's simply no other explanation...

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I've ruled out all the negative things about me. Many people posess most or all of my negative traits and still get into loving relationships. There are some traits that I realize as negative about myself, like being fat, sometimes being a prick, and practically destitute at this point in my life. Then there's traits that I consider positive but society tends to shun, like being nerdy and introverted. Society would also claim that I am defeatist, though I contest that, as I am merely accepting reality for what it is, instead of living some fantasy...

The issue is that there are plenty of men with a lot of those traits that still get women. There are plenty of men with those traits that don't even have some of the positive traits I have (such as a good bass singing voice, technical aptitude, and the ability to cook worth a damn), and still have found someone while I am still alone...

I've used plenty of those negative traits as excuses before (especially the weight issue) to attempt to explain why I'm failing so horribly at love. But the bare reality of the situation is that I am, for all intents and purposes, unlovable. I simply cannot find any other reason as to why I am alone, while plenty of otherwise shy, nerdy, otherwise unattractive men are succeeding where I am failing...

edit: yeah, I'm having one of those doom and gloom moments today...

Maybe it's not about you. At least not directly. Do those other guys make the women they're with feel good about themselves?

Make them feel good about themselves.

I don't think being fat is enough to take you out of the race. There are plenty of people who don't think about a person's size. Neither is being destitute. When someone really likes you, it doesn't matter how much money you have or what you weigh. It's the person that you are inside, the personality and the soul.

You might be over analyzing yourself in trying to find what is wrong. It might not be you at all. It might be that you are not meeting enough women to give you a good choices.

You might try stepping out of your comfort zone. Ask out women you don't know well. Try talking to women you don't know. Practice just by smiling at women and saying hello. A simple "Hi, how are you?" might be enough to start a conversation or at least give you some practice with it.

Do you have a good female friend that you can ask for help? Ask her evaluate you as a potential date. Maybe take her on a date and ask her to give you feedback. Sometimes someone else can point out something you're missing.

The biggest thing is try not be negative. If you project an "I'm a loser" feeling about yourself, then that's what the world sees. You can't complain about your life in public, try to stay positive and try to smile at people. I know it's hard but confidence in yourself projects confidence to the world and that's appealing.

no, there's a more major reason for your situation: your routine.

The second reason is the weight.

That's what I was saying in the OP... I have all these issues, but none of them should matter since I know many others that are in the same condition and have no problems at all...


Initiating conversation with women is not even an issue for me... I can maintain conversation for as long as necessary, but only if the topic doesn't go into the romance department... on the other hand, asking a woman out is nigh impossible... it just becomes something very awkward...


I don't know if any of the women I know would really be willing to help me in such a way... just trying to stay on the topic of romance in the real world makes it awkward for me...


I actually tend to internalize the negativity when I'm out in the world (and then let it all out here), so generally, I don't (knowingly) give off any negativity while I'm out in the world (I just tend to dodge the subject, and focus on other areas, where I'm actually quite normal (if a little opinionated)...

TOS, it might just be a matter of luck. Surely you realize that women who are willing to overlook some of your issues are among the minority.. perhaps you just have not gotten to know a good one yet. It does not at all mean that you are hopeless or unlovable.

I used to have a friend who complained for years that no one would ever like her and she's so ugly and ect ect. I kept telling her it wasn't true but she never beleived me. She ended up getting married before me.

While there are words I'd like to say, LPP, they would only fall on deaf ears. While one's routine can restrict or limit one's interaction with others, it isn't a deciding factor in relationships. As for weight, if that is such a factor, I wish you could explain to me how there are so many couples who are overweight, either with one or both partners... man, they must not have gotten your message. How you view yourself, your expectations of yourself and others, and learning the balancing act of interaction are more important, in my opinion.


M.

It's about probability , while there are many overweight guys in relationships ...surely most of them are not stuck in strict routine.
Plus most girls don't like fat guys.

His weight is affecting his confidence and how he's viewing himself too , so as you said how one views himself is important and weight is not helping to view himself a better person too.

As for routine, yes ...this factor is a killer one. Most males aspies are single because they rarely break the routine, go out and meet new people.

PS: not all aspies run shops.

Wow - we're somewhat in agreement. The weight may be causal to issues with self-image, and therefore self confidence. However, weight and confidence are not mutually exclusive, and I am leery of the effects of the implication that they are inextricably linked. Routine can be a detriment, but need not be... more often, it is the expansion of routine, not its elimination or radical change, that has allowed me to comfortable meet people. Yes, not all aspies run shops. It is damnably frustrating at times, because while I've learned the patter, the pace, a general flowchart to handle customers to an extent I get complimented on it... it is an excruciating experience, with each and every person. I still have to stifle the panic, the confusion, to simply act instead of allowing myself to be caught in the paralysis of unresolved analysis. Don't think that simply because one can do something that it is an easy or truly functional skill.


M.

One more important point I would comment about "so many couples who are overweight, either with one or both partners." , yes that's true ...but based on my observation and at least where I live , in most of these couples one pushes the other to a hard diet. Most overweighted people I know go suddenly to hard diet once they are in relationship and that's true for both genders, I know that girl who was always used to complain about her fiance's overweight and now she's happy because he finally submitted to her condition to go on diet before marriage. And I know many overweight girls who say something like while they're eating some dessert "my bf would kill me if he see me eating this" , EVERY single overweighted girl in relationship I know go to hard diet while they were much more careless about their weight when they were single.

This phenomenon is caused by one true fact : Most people unconsciously don't like to have sex with a fat person.


As while I am telling that to TOS, I know for a fact that fatness isn't an attractive trait for the very vast majority of people , so eliminating this negative trait might help him to determine better the reason of his failure in case if it wasn't weight, so why stopping him to do that? Fatness isn't healthy anyways.

It is much better to encourage TOS to get rid of his extra weight , at least that would boost his self-worth, than telling him pinky misleading illusions such as " Don't worry about your weight TOS, you can remain very fat yet you have a high probability that a girl would like you like that" --> Crap.

I think that you're being way too hard on yourself, TOS. I've been on here a long time and I've heard you describe yourself several times. Then you posted your avatar and I had one of those moments where I think "What the heck is he talking about!" because I was expecting something awful. There's nothing wrong with you physically! You beat yourself up verbally so much that I think you may feel that you keep that negativity to yourself, but I'm betting that the women around you are picking up on it.

There's a saying that what you put out there is what you get back. As hokey as it sounds, I feel that one has to love themselves to be loved in return. You have to be happy with who you are in order to bring someone balanced and positive into your life.

Just me two cents worth. Chin up, TOS.

Strange - in my vicinity, while I have seen two people push each other to be healthier (this is part of my relationship that makes me happy), more often than not I have observed people take care of themselves in order to be attractive while single before letting themselves go completely once they have 'snared' a partner. That may be a large cultural divide there, LPP - I'm not familiar with your locale, so this may be completely different in our experiences. I think the issue may be a little more general; in most cases, people are not attracted to those who are unhealthy. A little, yes, perhaps - going out for a drink now and then, or smoke a cigar on a special occasion, or are full-figured without being obese - but what logical appeal is there for someone who will not care for themselves? In a mate, do we not generally seek someone who can fulfill our personal needs, who we bond with, and who we both care for and allow ourselves to be cared for by?

I agree about getting healthy... I'm down over 80 pounds now. I feel better, but I also know I'm the same person who wore the extra weight, just in a different package. I'm not suggesting it is a boon to dating, but refuse to accept that it is the millstone around the neck that many claim... that's all.


M.

Just so you know, I edited out the double chin...


I don't think I can even love myself anymore... Part of what happened when I finally was able to learn love for others was that I could no longer capable of love for self...

There's no point blaming yourself, not being in a relationship doesn't equal personal failure.

Look, I could put myself in your perspective and go. Ok - I'm not in a relationship, therefore there must be something wrong with me. What is it?

I'm too repetitive. I'm stressed out too often. I'm anxious. My butt is too big. My hair is frizzy. I'm clumsy and socially awkward. I'm self-centered. etc etc

The truth is, if you want a reason why you and me are not in relationships (apart from chance, which seems the most likely one) it's because we have AS.

I figured out long ago that for years I have been missing cues from people that, if noticed and reciprocated, might have led to relationships. I believe it's likely the same for your case. On occasion a girl might send you an "interested" cue, and (obviously being completely oblivious to it because of AS), you never picked up on it and never even knew about it.

Solution: Keep trying, keep positive, and watch closely for those elusive cues.

For another perspective: (face pixelated)



And that was after I lost 25 pounds...

In my culture , there's too much pressure on singles to get married (family pressure, peer pressure , social pressure...etc), and especially on females to get married before reaching the "spinster" status , now I know that the English word "spinster" refers to unmarried elder but the local word does really mean only this, in fact the "spinster age" for girls here is 25 while it's 35 for guys. Being spinster is looked down here and it involves a social stigma and stereotype (ie. homosexuality, loser).

Because of this , parents and friends push hard on their single daughters (and sons) to get married before reaching 25 , therefore many girls would pick the first available who ask them out as husband and they convinced themselves that they are "in love" with the picked one.

Because of this, so many of them end up unsatisfied because they find nothing attractive in their picked guy who doesn't even match the least of their dreams in any form or shape, therefore they want to change that , if he's fat them they push him to hard diet , if he's bony they push him hard to eat and work out.

Same true for guys when they are pressured to get married.


Here, "love" in just often used as a social excuse (in front of others) by two persons in order to stay together.