How to handle sibling of AS

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I have a 10yo son with AS and a 12yo daughter with ADD. The 12yo gets so embarrassed by things my son does in public because he often does peculiar things, acts unintentionally rude, is socially ackward. I realize she is going through puberty - an age when its all me, me, me and when worrying about what people think hits its high point, but sometimes she gets to the point where she just can't stand to be around him. She also feels that he gets special treatment b/c of the AS. She is a bit of a drama queen, so I try to take that into account too.

Now, I know part of that is the age-old childhood complaint - "you treat them better than me, they get everything, I get nothing". But I feel torn between making certian allowances for my son's AS and letting my daughter feel like we take her feelings seriously too.

Any others out there who have AS sibling struggles? Anyone else have a Non AS sibling who feels they get the shaft?

you're not treating one better than the other just different. We as parents make accomodations for our children's differences..
Process with your daughter as to what things could make life better for her.
Lauré

*wryly* That sounds like me and my thirteen-year-old sister. (I'm the fifteen-year-old Aspie, she's the social butterfly. I occasionally joke we're polar opposites.) Unfortunately, I don't know what else to tell you; I would like to add that the things that my sister finds embarassing often confuse me, as I see them to be 'normal' or at least fairly acceptable. (Wearing a few sweatshirts very often, my attempts at whistling at our dogs, the fact that I could honestly care less about my appearence beyond 'I'm clean, what else do you want,' my habit of dissapearing when company is over, speaking in Latin or Spanish in an attempt to work on my fluency (Normal people don't greet people with 'salve,' Erin!), etc.)

This has caused quite a lot of strife between my sister and myself, as I tend to dig in my heels and refuse to accomodate her when she tries to make demands on me that I feel to be silly. My mother tends to try to work on compromises involving both of us; for instance, when company comes over I'm generally required to at least come up and say hi to everyone before making my escape. Has your daughter started telling your son her grievances yet, or is she addressing them all to you? I know from experience that it can be depressing when your sister starts thinking of you as a hindrance or something to be improved upon.

Oooh, yes, that caused major problems. Everyone felt I was treated as my mother's favorite, and that I got special treatment. I know I also embarassed my siblings a lot. The nature of our familial relationship was to use whatever foothold you could to impose psychological bullying on the other person. I would often use their embarassment of certain things in order to make them angry. At any rate, that doesn't help you with your children. What my mother did, was she took my siblings to see a specialist on autism, and explained to them what it was about and other things I'm not exactly sure what they talked about. They were, though, 17 and above. That may help for you to do, if you haven't already done it.
The following website contains a bunch of articles about the sort of problems siblings of autistic children face:
http://www.aspires-relationships.com/ar ... blings.htm

Isn't this what happens to most families anyway. I think even my younger sister and I went through it. Of course, my father and mother wouldn't stand for any bickering or unkindness (even though when they weren't around it would happen). You might have some hormonal issues as well with your daughter. Sometimes girls don't know how to handle their mood swings at this age and need to be taught how to act appropriately even if they don't "feel" like it.

However, you should try to treat them equally. Your son has AS and your daughter ADD. Neither of this issues deserves a handicap you would give in golf or bowling (if you get my meaning). Teach them compassion, compromise and understanding.

Good luck!

Thanks for the suggestions and insite. My kids do fight, just like any brother and sister would. She mainly directs her aggrivations to me, not him. Probably because he wouldn't have a clue what she was so angry or embarrassed about. Usually, if he's doing something that is embarrassing her in public she'll just look at me like "um, mom? are you going to do anything to make him stop that?".

We've sat down with her and gone over what Asperger's is, what symptoms she sees that are related to that, etc. And at first, she was understanding about it. But then again, that was before puberty hit. Now, she doesn't care that he's got AS - he's embarrassing her and that's all she sees.

But to be fair, she truly is a good kid. I hate to sound like she's a spoiled brat who doesn't think of others. I just have a hard time trying to play both sides of the fence with her and him. They are both 2 very different children with different needs, but in her eyes, my son gets treated different because he's the favorite and b/c he's got AS.

I guess I would have these same problems, regardless of whether they had AS/ADD. I know part of it is just normal sibling rivalry. I just wish she had a bit more compassion for her brother and understanding of how he sees the world. She might not get as frustrated with him.

Thanks again guys!

i remember being horribly embarassed to be out anywhere with my brother ( who i think is AS)...
it was just reinforced that i needed to be kind to others, if i wished others to be kind to me.........i do remember avoiding any sort of activity that would involve me having to be seen with my bro in public. what exactly are the behaviors that bother your daughter ? do these behaviors happen all of the time, or just some times ?
in my case, i wish my parents had paid more attention to me~ that i would've been able to take a class or go somewhere with my parent(s) without my bro.

There is a book called Siblings Without Rivalry that I really like. I highly recommend it. It does not specifically address when there is ADD or AS involved. However, it does help you address the "normal" sibling issues quite well, IMHO.

I don't know about you, but these are tough ages because as a parent you wonder how much direct involvement you should have with certain issues. I really liked how our therapy team put it to my DH and I - since the kids are older (except for 2yo) we are not the "go to" guys anymore. We aren't there to solve their problems for them. However, we are there to help them in the problem solving process for themselves. I don't know about your kids, but mine often want me to take sides or just "make" things right somehow without them having to do anything. That drives me nuts!

Well, over the past couple of years, I have tried to stop being the referee so much - although, that's my natural tendancy....to try to bring peace. Usually the things that embarrass my daughter are when he's rude to people (unintentionally), digs his heels in about having to stick to a routine, or saying inapproriate things in public. For example,

At my granfather's funeral a few months ago, we were all standing outside as the pallbearers where carrying out the casket and my son says (in a loud voice b/c he has no clue what a whisper is) "There goes that old Paw Paw!"....then, at the graveside service, just as my aunt finished reading a beautiful poem, my son has had all he can take and said at the most quiet of times (again, in a loud voice) "when are we going to put Paw Paw in the ground and go home!". Needless to say, yes, I was a bit redfaced, but both times I took him to the side and tried to explain to him that if he had something like that to say, to whisper it in my ear, etc. My daughter wanted to KILL him! These types of scenerios happen all the time. Sometimes, I find them humorous, but she almost always wants to immediately leave.

I have found here recently, that doing things with them seperately works a bit better. They have gotten to an age where they fight a lot, so it seems to work better for everyone when my husband and I do things seperately with them, or I with my daughter, he with my son - that kind of thing. But there's no way to completely avoid these situations, so I guess I'll just take them one at a time.

Thanks for the book suggestion - I will check that one out!