Normal conversations

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The actual content of the small talk doesn't matter much- the conversation is often fairly bland and predictable- but that's probably because we're focusing on absorbing all of the other non-verbal information while we're talking. The small talk is mainly just acceptable background noise while we assess whether we're going to get along, although if the person says anything inappropriate or offensive, that's a bad sign. I suspect most NTs use small talk in this way in any social encounter with a stranger. I can see that this would cause confusion if a person with AS was focusing on the content of the conversation as the main source of information. For NTs, it's probably less about WHAT you say than about HOW you say it.

I'm so sorry, Hovis- it must be tiring to have to concentrate so hard while you're speaking to a stranger and stressful to see that you're being misunderstood.

The problem for me is that social banter is excruciatingly boring and makes me feel stupid for even trying to participate in it. Not stupid in that I don't get, but stupid that I'm actually lowering myself down to their level. When I weigh the ups and downs of carrying on such a banter, I usually can't find enough positives to outweigh the negatives of boring myself and using energy to put up the facade that I'm interested.

I believe that modern conversation is backwards. In modern societal conversation you make small talk until you are comfortable and then either end the conversation (if you want to call it that) or move on to more serious subjects. Since you don't really learn anything meaningful during small talk, this is when you'll learn more about the person's interests, hobbies, beliefs (religious, political, social, whatever) and you'll learn whether or not you really have any interest in talking with this person. If you decide that you don't have an interest in this person based on more serious topics, then you've just wasted time and energy making small talk with them.

If I'm just meeting someone, why do I want to make small talk with them? I don't know them so I have no real interest in how their weekend was or how their pets are, etc. I only care about that kind of stuff if I already know the person and care for them at some level. Therefore, it makes the most sense to me to start conversations with the more serious topics in mind because you'll find out a lot sooner if the person is someone you want to put the effort in getting to know.

Take a big family gathering for example. I'm sitting at my table, trying to stay sane and people that I haven't talked to in 10 years or so come over and ask me stuff like where I'm working. Now, I'm not mad at these people, I don't dislike them or anything and I make polite conversation with them because you're "supposed" to, but I'd just love to be able to ask them why they bother asking. I mean if they actually had a genuine interest in where I'm working they could have called me, emailed me, etc at any time during the last 10 years to ask where I'm working. The fact that they wait until that time tells me they don't have a genuine interest so it's therefore meaningless. It's just what society has deemed appropriate to do in that situation.